Spouse Moved Out and I am Picking Up the Pieces, How did you manage starting out again

11.19.03 | self

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

You know me by another name. This is too personal but I value Freeper advice. My husband has been gone for about 6 months and today he moved into a house he bought. The story is long, difficult and really not important. What is important is that I have to somehow manage the house, the children, the homeschooling and work. I have been on overdrive for two + years working full time and homeschooling. Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives.I am exhausted and need Freeper Wisdom and encouragement.

[AmericaUnited]

A big AMEN to what Saber said about staying away from other's with lot's of bitter baggage, who want a new friend to wallow in the mire with.

Don't get a lawyer just yet! They are basically blood suckers who feed off of the misery and pain of others. Once one gets involved, they poison things even more.

Read the testimonies of others who have been in your situation, trusted in God, and how He was faithful to make all things work together for good!

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I am trying to focus in the now and my future planning doesnot necessarily include my husband. It has been a slow long fall.

[learner]

No your not done.
Wake up and start living.
I had a wife stomp out and leave 3 kids.
So go figure it out and get your stuff together.
Do what is best for you and the kids.
Forget the past, it is not comming back.
Smile and move foward.
If that means you and the kids have to give up some stuff, tough luck. The sooner you do it the better it will be.
Half the counselors are moorons and all the lawyers are moorons.
You have to read and figure it out. You will do a better job than they will, if you will work at it.
Eventually you will need a lawyer, only because they have a fix on the system. But you need to figure out what you want and why first.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Are there things that you've always wanted to do in your life but never could because of him? If so, do them now.

When? I work full time and care for my children full time... that is the thing I am trying to balance.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Consider postponing the homeschooling for now.

The year has started, the local schools the pits.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

My advise: Hire a good attorney and get every dime you can out of him.

He went from a 6 figure provider to the next best thing to hamburg flipper. There is nothing left to get. I traded the retirement fund for the house and the apartment building.

[Capriole]

Sometimes, during the really horrible periods in life, you may pray but still feel alone. This happens. It happens partly because pain and fear can deafen you to the voice and leading of the Lord. Remember, He's not going to speak to you with a megaphone or with signs and miracles; you aren't going to hear magic voices. He doesn't often operate that way these days. He may work silently by bringing you wise counsel through His human agents, or by giving you patience, strength, courage, and wisdom. He is answering your prayers. The answer may be Yes, it may be No, it may be Wait. But it helps in praying to recall that the purpose of prayer is not to bend the Lord to your will but conform your will to His.

I know what you're going through. Over eight years ago my beloved husband left me with a six-year-old and a seriously ill one-year-old baby boy in order to pursue a relationship with a young woman half his age he'd met on the Internet. He ruined his brilliant career in order to do so and, like your husband, set off some additional bombs in our lives--things that still have repercussions. I didn't know how we'd survive, and the fact is that the first Christmas without him was cold--we would have had nothing to eat if it hadn't been for the generosity of our church. But God does help. He is faithful. In retrospect I'm so grateful for those hard times and the way we survived them; like someone who has had a long hard workout in the gym, I'm now full of strength and confidence at the way I'm rebuilding my life. Your time right now is ghastly, and I am NOT underestimating your suffering, fear, anger, and exhaustion. But you WILL come through this and be better for it.

So, on to practical advice:

1. Others have counselled you to put your kids in public school. For just a year, this may not be a bad alternative, depending on where you live and what the schools are like. Your children are unlikely to be permanently scarred by a year in public schools. Everyone will be disappointed, of course, and the kids will doubtless be bored and annoyed, but it's not forever. Meanwhile, be investigating parochial schools in your vicinity. As a single mother with five children you may well be entitled to major scholarship assistance at Christian schools that won't be as bad as public schools.

I advocate giving up the homeschooling for awhile because if you're homeschooling all day and working at night, who is watching the kids? And when will you sleep? If you don't get enough sleep you'll screw up at work and lose your job, and then where will everyone be?

2. The kids have to help you with the house. They have to. Anyone over the age of nine can cut the grass. The other kids can do laundry and run the vacuum cleaner, wash dishes and clean bathrooms. Even the five-year-old can pick things up and clean her room. The fifteen-year-old can make dinner and next year she can run major errands for you in the car. But with all those strong young bodies around you should not have to do as much physical labor.

3. Get a lawyer and clean your husband's clock. If he just bought a house he was using your joint assets to do it. Depending on what state yall live in, you may own half of a new house--did you realize that? He ought to be paying child support 'til each of the kids is eighteen, and if he doesn't you garnishee his wages. He's the one who abandoned the kids, not you, in order to pursue his new lifestyle. Go get him. Don't be swayed by sentimental memories of the past; they didn't stop him from leaving you with this nightmare to contend with.

[Arpege92]

The REAL reality of your situation is the fact that you are strong. Working, home schooling and running a house by yourself requires not only physical energy but mental energy as well.

With that said, maybe you should look into other schooling possibilities. A little breathing room always does wonders, so don't feel guilty about that and don't forget that you are setting an example for your children too.

I wish you luck.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

We have had a very shelterd homeschool life without television. I work Wed and thurday afternnons, all weekends and homeschool M-Thur a.m.'s and friend takes them Fridays.

[Diva Betsy Ross]

This is what I would do, for what it is worth. The last thing I would want to do is place my kids in public school, esp. after what they have been through, unless they themselves had some desire to attend public school. The older kids I might say okay to, younger .. no.

I would reach out ot every homeschooler in the area ,and espicially in any church I was affiliated with ,and ask for help with babysitting, cleaning, lessons.

I would join a support group , on line or local , for single parents who homeschool for advice. I would find an older person with a teaching background, through church, retirement center, who could help me with lesson plans and perhaps do some hands on for trade, or what ever pay I could afford. Perhaps one who has no family and looking for something to do. I would sell my house if it was too big, and cost effective. I would get a small used car and tell the kids to get ready to tighten the belt. I would try to find ways to make it seem fun.

I would tell my husband that as long as he is fair, I will be fair, but we had to do whatever it takes to finish the commitment to the kids.

The 15 year old could do some work for pay, you may even be able to find work to do as a family.

I would see about starting a family owned homebased business ,that I could use as a big lesson plan on how to survive. Perhaps something you could sell or some service you could market to other homeschoolers, single parents etc...

Good luck, it is not going to be easy, but I know you can do it. Get yourself lots of support from groups and churches, even if you haven't been for awhile. Ask and you shall recieve. Keep me updated if you can.. I will be thinking of you!

[umgud]

My heart does go out to you. I know you have been thru the worst pain and turmoil you could imagine. But..... you will overcome.

[YaYa123]

Your husband has put you and your family through hell for 3 years. He moved out 6 months ago, and you think a reconciliation would be ideal?

Our best intentions won't help you. Get professional help.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Been with great marriage guy. Now the children and I are with a very good family therapist to help us piece things together.

[GovernmentShrinker]

Since you'll have an apartment to rent in your home, perhaps you can find another single/divorced mom with similar values and priorities. Having someone reliable to share child care responsibilities would take quite a load off your shoulders. There may be a wonderful mom out there who needs free or low cost housing for herself and a child or two.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Why do you want him back? (honest, sincere question)


I am not sure I do, the children are having a tough time.

[TXnMA]

As others have implied, there is no better support for you than being actively involved in a loving church family. (Better, even, than FR...) (And, if you do not already do so, you WILL quickly begin to look upon a good church as your "family".)

Get involved with a group of folks your age. Many larger churches have special groups of folks like yourself who ar going through crises. And 'most all good churches have 'singles' groups where you can find some really enjoyable friendships. The main thing is to stay active. And involve your kids in church activities too -- when they're there...you get a break!

Of course, hang in with us on FR -- we're "family", too...

[jackbill]

Thirty years ago my then-wife left the home, and our four young sons. Fortunately, I was making enough money to hire a live-in "housekeeper", so it had some, but not significant impact on my ability to work and provide for them.

When I approached my church for help, the pastor bailed. He wanted no part of the situation, and as a consequence I haven't been back there since.

I would recommend that you sit back and make a list of just what is essential. Others have recommended that you might have to give up the home-schooling. Perhaps that's an option, if it interferes with a job that would allow you to provide the essentials for you and the kids.

Your next step should be to look for whatever "support systems" are out there for you, even if you don't agree with their primary agenda. You can most likely find a group that would provide legal service to ensure that the father of your children would have to provide appropriate support. Right now, making sure that the kids don't experience a wrenching change in their life is most important.

As for yourself, there is no easy answer. The primary burden will be on you. It will be tough, but believe me, if you do your damndest, you will reap a reward eventually. My sons have all become successful in life, and I believe that they respect whatever I was able to do for them. But it wasn't easy for any of us, and it took a lot of time.

God bless you. Stand tall, muster everything that you can from within and take it one day at a time. That may seem like a trite cliche, but it works.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Sometimes kids are better without a certain parent around.

These kids love their dad very much. And he loves them, It is just that he is a mess. I dont want to live with the mess, but mess or not, he is their father. I would move in a heartbeat but there is a ten year clause in our contract.

[AmericaUnited]

You can most likely find a group that would provide legal service to ensure that the father of your children would have to provide appropriate support

Don't waste one nickel paying a laywer to get child support. Every single state has child support agencies/programs that will do this for free!

[dandelion]

Stay with the homeschooling if at all possible; it will be hard to go in at mid-year, and the testing and admissions process could be traumatic.

We need to get you some childcare help, that's what we need to do! That way, you can continue your schedule and just keep everything as simple as possible for now. You would need that ANYWAY, even with the kids in public schools...

Let me know what I can do to help you - I'm starting with prayer...