Posted on 09/07/2026 10:48:58 AM PDT by DFG
U.S. — Millions of murderers across the country expressed overwhelming optimism today following reports that killing someone is effectively legal, provided the perpetrator informs authorities they were sad.
According to legal experts, centuries of criminal precedent had been rendered obsolete by the simple, groundbreaking defense of "feeling a little overwhelmed."
"For years, we operated under the outdated assumption that taking a human life required accountability," defense attorney Arnold Carter explained. "We now understand that as long as you mention feeling sad beforehand, the entire legal system immediately pivots to asking if you've been getting enough self-care."
Hitman Frank Rizzoli noted that he planned to appeal his life sentence immediately on the grounds that his victims made him feel severely burnt out. "I didn't realize I could just say I was a little down that day and walk away clean."
"Looking back, I wasn't cold-blooded; I was just suffering from a profound lack of support from those around me," Rizzoli commented. "If I had known all I needed was a prescription note and some sympathetic press, I would have skipped the whole fleeing-the-country phase."
At publishing time, state prosecutors were reportedly dropping all pending murder indictments to instead issue court-ordered lavender tea and mandatory bubble baths.
This here is a rueful joke that is well worth telling.
People need to think “Is this what we are now agreeing to?”
“Tea and Bubble Baths”
Works Every Time...
Till it Doesn’t.
“Tea and Bubble Baths”
Works Every Time...
Till it Doesn’t.
The title should be “if you’re sad and female”, or perhaps “if you’re angry and black”.
Boo hoo.
The point these leftist women are making is “No child is safe unless a man is present.”
As usual the Babylon Bee means a satire but millions of women brought up a narcissists by the toxic feminist wave since 1973 believe they have special rights and need special attention and sympathy.
Actually, how do they now prove women shouldn’t be prevented from piloting a passenger jet, going into military combat, passing judgment on laws in the Supreme Court, deciding on shooting a suspect or not as a law enforcement officer and many more things that require steady judgment?
I remember an Esquire article back then actually saying women due to fluctuating hormones and emotional peaks and valleys should not be allowed to pilot passenger jets.
That view lost out as male politicians shuffled their feet, cleared their throats and pandered after women’s votes.
Like ones who pretended Jennifer Granholm, first female (and worst ever) governor of Michigan was just fine and perfectly okay. Now they got us Whitmer. Neither is qualified any more than Spanberger.
I read that 30% of women are on mental health drugs. This is SCARY. It means 70% of women are running around unmedicated~
Colleagues and acquaintances of mine from Asian countries and Eastern Europe say that what strikes them as strange about American society is how obnoxious women and children are allowed to be, because husbands and parents tolerate or even indulge such behavior. I see their point - there's something pathological about wives bossing husbands around (which seems to be the norm these days) and children telling parents what they want rather than doing what's required of them.
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