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CNN+ Exceeds All Expectations By Lasting Nearly 3 Weeks
Babylon Bee ^ | 04/21/2022 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 04/21/2022 11:16:23 AM PDT by DFG

ATLANTA, GA—Streaming service CNN+ blew away all expectations by lasting nearly three weeks before its demise was announced by Warner Bros. Discovery this morning.

Analysts had expected the service to last no longer than about thirteen hours, so CNN is calling the full three-week lifespan of the paid streaming platform "performance beyond our wildest dreams." Some more optimistic projections had expected the service to last through its first weekend, but regardless, no one thought the service would last as long as it did.

Primary among the factors that led analysts to this conclusion is that people won't even watch regular CNN at an airport for free, so getting them to watch a paid version seemed like a long shot. Also, many in the industry were concerned that CNN Plus programming was "painful to watch and barely more enjoyable than a root canal," lowering expectations for the streaming service.

"Rest in power, CNN Plus," said Brian Stelter, a tear in his eye. "We hardly knew you. Three weeks sounds like a long time for a streaming service, but in reality, it's just flown by. I remember the time a few weeks ago when we launched. It seems like just yesterday. But it wasn't. It was, like, 20 days ago."

"Time just flies by."

CNN is next going to attempt a streaming service that just shows CNN hosts screaming at Fox News 24/7. This one is expected to last significantly longer, maybe until the Fourth of July.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: atlanta; babylonbee; chriswallacesux; cnn; streaming; warner
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1 posted on 04/21/2022 11:16:23 AM PDT by DFG
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To: DFG

Wasn’t CNN+ where Chris Wallace went?


2 posted on 04/21/2022 11:17:40 AM PDT by Brilliant
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To: DFG

3 posted on 04/21/2022 11:18:34 AM PDT by dragnet2 (Diversion and evasion are tools of deceit)
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To: Brilliant

Yes, he gave up a very lucrative job at the #1 network for a highly speculative job at a streaming startup that lasted 3 weeks.

He’s probably having a tough time sitting down after the royal screwing he took, especially since he did it to himself.


4 posted on 04/21/2022 11:19:55 AM PDT by srmanuel (`)
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To: dragnet2

Way too funny!


5 posted on 04/21/2022 11:21:10 AM PDT by shotgun
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To: DFG
Hurry up and check the dumpster. You may still be able to get the furniture.

My favorite Seinfeld.


6 posted on 04/21/2022 11:21:21 AM PDT by ImJustAnotherOkie (Let's go Brandon)
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To: dragnet2

Chris Wallace is at heart a radical Left wing activist, and I give him credit for leaving FOX news and going to a radical Leftist network. Too bad it didn’t work out, but he was never going to attract viewers because he is talentless. He got a 9 million dollar consolation prize, kinda like Megyn Kelly got, so they can buy beer to cry over.


7 posted on 04/21/2022 11:24:50 AM PDT by 1Old Pro
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To: Brilliant

Wallace immediately improved the average IQ of both Fox and CNN when he left.


8 posted on 04/21/2022 11:26:02 AM PDT by God luvs America (63.5 million pay no income tax and vote for DemoKrats...)
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To: DFG

When something like this lasts only 3 weeks, that’s not a mere mistake. That is a catastrophic failure. Their biggest form of delusion appears to be self delusion. It does seem to be a leftist trait. When your beliefs come up against reality, it is only then that they can truly be tested.

It’s why neither the Zimmerman nor the Rittenhouse verdicts surprised me. I got my news from conservative, reliable sources. My friends that use CNN, MSNBC, and the three networks for their news were all shocked.


9 posted on 04/21/2022 11:27:00 AM PDT by cuban leaf (My prediction: Harris is Spiro Agnew. We'll soon see who becomes Gerald Ford, and our next prez.)
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To: DFG

Saw a Twitter post today that said “Technically, a one month subscription to CNN+ is also a lifetime subscription.”


10 posted on 04/21/2022 11:27:02 AM PDT by Yo-Yo (Is the /Sarc tag really necessary? Pray for President Biden: Psalm 109:8)
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To: Yo-Yo
Saw a Twitter post today that said “Technically, a one month subscription to CNN+ is also a lifetime subscription.”

LOL

11 posted on 04/21/2022 11:28:47 AM PDT by 1Old Pro
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To: DFG
Also, many in the industry were concerned that CNN Plus programming was "painful to watch and barely more enjoyable than a root canal,"...


12 posted on 04/21/2022 11:29:12 AM PDT by ShadowAce (Linux - The Ultimate Windows Service Pack )
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To: DFG
Minus side: lasted about 7 times as long as the Titanic

Plus side: Celene Dion is unlikely to sing the theme song My News Will Go On.

13 posted on 04/21/2022 11:30:03 AM PDT by KarlInOhio (If Hitler invaded Hell, I would make at least a favourable reference of the Devil...-Churchill)
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To: ImJustAnotherOkie

Definitely one of my favorite episodes. Back in 1980, I furnished an entire New York loft of 3000 square feet with stuff that came out of dumpsters within a three or four block area. We had a kitchen with a giant soapstone countertop long before it was cool.


14 posted on 04/21/2022 11:48:24 AM PDT by Attention Surplus Disorder (Apoplectic is where we want them)
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To: DFG

$300 MILLION

Awesome!


15 posted on 04/21/2022 11:54:29 AM PDT by Prov1322 (Enjoy my wife's incredible artwork at www.watercolorARTwork.com! (This space no longer for rent))
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To: ImJustAnotherOkie

Newman’s wax bean line is my go to whenever a conversation in real life or online starts to drag.


16 posted on 04/21/2022 12:34:26 PM PDT by Bruce Campbells Chin
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To: DFG

From elsewhere:

“Jeffrey Toobin lasted longer at that zoom meeting.”


17 posted on 04/21/2022 1:05:13 PM PDT by dynachrome ("I will not be reconstructed, and I do not give a damn.")
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To: DFG

LMAO, so true, so true.


18 posted on 04/21/2022 1:10:43 PM PDT by cranked
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To: DFG

It was on life support for the time, but someone needed to charge their phone, so they pulled the plug.


19 posted on 04/21/2022 2:20:54 PM PDT by The Sons of Liberty (If you attack the 2nd Amendment, You attack The Constitution!)
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To: srmanuel

Well it all depends on what his contract says. If his contract says that he gets $20 million whether the company craters or not, then he can sit on the beach for the next several years and collect his pay.


20 posted on 04/21/2022 4:08:24 PM PDT by Brilliant
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