New Approaches for Dealing with Crime [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 14 November 2021 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

The spike in crime following some progressive reforms including no bail release of suspected felons, early release from prison for violent offenders, and reduced budgets for hiring police officers, has spurred enlightened thinkers to seek an alternate approach. In Los Angeles, that approach is a new advisory urging victims to "cooperate and comply" with those assaulting and robbing them.

LAPD Chief Michael Moore explained that "money that could've paid for increased police patrols in dangerous areas has been diverted to the city's new experimental guaranteed minimum income program. So there's very little we can do to protect the innocent from criminals. Even if we accidentally run across a crime in progress and apprehend the perp, chances are he won't spend more than a few hours in custody before a judge orders his release. As a result, we're now advising people to protect themselves."

"The best thing you can do to stay safe is not go out in public for any reason," Moore said. "Assuming that you might need to go out to buy food, for example, do it during daylight hours in safer neighborhoods. Avoid crime hot spots like areas near public housing, bars, restaurants, homeless encampments, public parks, drug pushers, sex workers, and the like. And don't take anything of value with you like cash, cell phones, watches, or jewelry."

"We used to tell people to drive to the nearest police station if they feel threatened," Moore remembered. "Now that is risky because we could be releasing dangerous suspects from those locations at any time of day or night. Your safest option is to cooperate and comply with whatever the criminal demands. If he wants to rob you give him whatever he asks for. You can always get new stuff. If he wants to rape you don't resist. Rape by itself isn't fatal. It's the force the rapist has to use to subdue you that is apt to cause great bodily harm."

"Remember, as we transition to the 'great reset' norms will change," Moore pointed out. "Those who adapt to the new lifestyle and values the quickest will suffer the least. As we lose our attachments to material goods, individualism, and privacy take pride that your city is on the leading edge of this transformation."

Meanwhile in New York City, Hawk Newsome, co-founder of Black Lives Matter of Greater New York warned newly elected Mayor Eric Adams "not to try to undo Mayor de Blasio's decriminalization of crime. If he thinks that they're going to go back to the old ways of policing, then we are going to take to the streets again. There will be riots, there will be fire and there will be bloodshed." If there is rioting it will be especially unpleasant wading through the tons of garbage that is piling up since 1400 sanitation workers were furloughed without pay at de Blasio's orders for not getting vaccinated for covid.

If you missed any of the other Semi-News/Semi-Satire posts you can find them at...

https://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php?topic=453684.0

[rktman]

Uh, roll over and give it up?

[Vigilanteman]

Sounds more like policy in certain $#*+hole big cities rather than satire.

[DIRTYSECRET]

Empty the jails. Handcuff the prisoners to a steel cable running down the middle of unused railroad tracks. Provide them with a backpack, sleeping bag, miniature tent. Air horn to scare off animals. Stations along the way can provide water, food and toilet paper. Use shipping containers. I’ve posted it here before. Cheaper than what we have now. They can discover America. Give them Walkmans that play only Rush tapes or Barry Manilow music(threw that in).