Posted on 10/31/2021 3:26:29 PM PDT by DFG
TUSCALOOSA, AL—The leadership of 4th Baptist Church in Tuscaloosa has just approved baptism "boosters" for their entire congregation starting at 5 years old. Elders believe these boosters will be at least 70% effective at saving those who weren't quite saved after their first and second baptisms.
"We recommend people attend this year's week-long revival and get their boosters," said head pastor Dale Smithers. "Sometimes the first baptism doesn't quite do the trick and it's always best to be safe! AAA-MEN? AMEN!"
Sources say teens are best protected against eternal damnation in the lake of fire, as they routinely get booster baptisms every year at summer camp. The elderly are most at risk, however, as many of them can barely remember their baptisms, and some weren't even baptized by full immersion.
"We trust we'll have strong attendance for boosters this year," said Smithers. "We invite you to attend our services, celebrate the 'old paths' with us, get dunked again, just in case!"
“… and we all got rebaptized whether we needed it or not.” — Ray Stevens, Mississippi Squirrel Revival
My daughter said they should have held me under till bubbles came up and then scrubbed a minute or two.
another home run by the babylon bee
You don’t get saved by baptism. You get baptized afterwards as a public proclamation of your faith in Jesus Christ.
What you said, but you have to admit the Bee is cutting edge.
Are you familiar with The Babylon Bee?
Ah yes, but what about the fallen sinners who want to rededicate their lives to Christ?
Yes, but they don’t usually wade into doctrinal issues like this (and get it wrong).
My post was for any humorless leftists or similar types that take everything at face value and might be led astray.
Think of it as a PSA.
More power to them, even though saved we're still fallen sinners, but once saved, always saved.
“””My post was for any humorless leftists or similar types that take everything at face value and might be led astray.”””
I have faith in the FR administrators and others who have zotted such folks from FR a long time ago.
They lurk.
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