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Government Promises To Wrap Up War On COVID As Quickly And Efficiently As The War On Terror
Babylon Bee ^ | 08/02/2021 | Babylon Bee

Posted on 08/02/2021 8:26:38 AM PDT by DFG

WASHINGTON, D.C.—White House press secretary Jen Psaki announced Monday that the Biden administration is committing to wage a war on COVID that will be as fast, efficient, and effective as the war on terror.

“Today, the Biden administration is pleased to declare an all-out war against COVID," Psaki said. “If the war on terror has taught us anything, it’s that if we set aside our political differences and spend a few dozen trillion dollars, there’s no end to what we can achieve in just 20 short years."

The plan is entitled “Two Decades To Stop The Spread,” and the crux of the program revolves around three initiatives:

1. Expand the Transportation Safety Administration from 50,000 employees to fifty million employees. This will allow for 100% virus screening at all public and private indoor spaces carried out with the efficiency and professionalism that we’ve all come to expect from the TSA.

2. Enhanced use of domestic drone surveillance for contact tracing purposes, as well as the repurposing of drone-mounted munitions to drop vaccines instead of explosives.

3. Expansion of the prison facility at Guantanamo Bay to hold our most dangerous political prisoners, such as folks who participated in the January 6 Capitol riot or those who share misinformation on Facebook.

“With these initiatives in place, we believe we will quickly crush the virus and establish the first Galactic Empire for a safe and secure society!" Psaki said. Quickly correcting herself, she added, “Er, I mean we can get back to normal.”


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; biden; covid; guantanamo; psaki

1 posted on 08/02/2021 8:26:38 AM PDT by DFG
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To: DFG

Casualties will be high but we will save the Planet from Global Warming or something


2 posted on 08/02/2021 8:29:34 AM PDT by butlerweave
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To: DFG
“Oceania has always been at war with useless eaters Eastasia”
3 posted on 08/02/2021 8:38:00 AM PDT by Jan_Sobieski (Sanctification)
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To: DFG

Great, we’re doomed.


4 posted on 08/02/2021 8:38:05 AM PDT by VTenigma (The Democrat party is the party of the mathematically challenged )
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To: DFG

War on Drugs, War on Poverty.


5 posted on 08/02/2021 8:39:28 AM PDT by BusterDog
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To: BusterDog

War to end all wars.

Still, ‘War on terror’ had to be the dumbest phrase a politician has coined in a long time. How do you have a ‘war’ on a technique or method or strategy? After all, it’s not ‘terrorism’ when *WE* do it.


6 posted on 08/02/2021 8:49:39 AM PDT by RedStateRocker (NUKE MECCA. ABOLISH THE DEA, IRS, AND ATF)
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To: DFG

The War on Terror made billions for the military industrial complex.

The War on Covid is making billions for Big Pharma.

This is a coincidence, not a conspiracy—because if you believed it was a conspiracy that would make you one of those crazed conspiracy theorists!


7 posted on 08/02/2021 9:00:17 AM PDT by cgbg (A kleptocracy--if they can keep it. Think of it as the Cantillon Effect in action.)
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To: DFG

The War on Terror made billions for the military industrial complex.

The War on Covid is making billions for Big Pharma.

This is a coincidence, not a conspiracy—because if you believed it was a conspiracy that would make you one of those crazed conspiracy theorists!


8 posted on 08/02/2021 9:00:17 AM PDT by cgbg (A kleptocracy--if they can keep it. Think of it as the Cantillon Effect in action.)
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To: DFG

I confess that I didn’t realize it was a Bee article until I got to initiative #2.


9 posted on 08/02/2021 9:02:45 AM PDT by Sirius Lee (They intend to murder us. Prep if you want to live and live like you are prepping for eternal life)
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To: DFG

I can see it now.

Drones shooting Hellfire missiles tipped with vaccine syringes to take out insurgent anti-vaxxers.


10 posted on 08/02/2021 10:07:49 AM PDT by seowulf (Civilization begins with order, grows with liberty, and dies with chaos...Will Durant)
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