Psaki Touts Free Speech Workaround [semi-satire]

Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 1 August 2021 | John Semmens

[John Semmens]

Presidential Press Secretary Jen Psaki boasted that "due to an evolution in 'outside-the-box' thinking that has energized the Biden Administration, the problem of unpatriotic dissemination of false narratives has been solved."

"A key breakthrough was achieved when Attorney General Merrick Garland pointed out that the prohibition against government censorship in the Constitution applies only to Congress," she said. "Specifically, it says Congress shall pass no law abridging freedom of speech. There is no prohibition against the President doing this by executive order. Neither does it bar private corporations from censoring anyone it wants to censor."

"Luckily, the major social media corporations are eager to assist the President in stamping out disunifying memes that customers attempt to post on their platforms," Psaki observed. "Thus far, they've been censoring undesirable ideas out of ideological solidarity with the progressive vision for America. It's time we adopt a more organized approach. So, I'm pleased to announce that we will be meeting regularly with our corporate allies to ensure that a uniform message is promulgated on all platforms. We will determine what that message will be. They will implement it on their platforms."

"A best-case scenario is that unapproved ideas will be intercepted within seconds of being posted," the Press Secretary predicted. "Individuals guilty of wrong thinking will be identified and reeducated if possible. Recalcitrant offenders who cannot be reeducated can be removed from normal society and placed in work battalions where they can make a more meaningful contribution through hard labor and the President's promise to 'build back better' can be realized."

Not everyone is pleased by this innovation in censorship. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla) has introduced legislation that would require technology companies to disclose any U.S. or foreign government requests or recommendations regarding content alteration or deletion. "While this bill alone will not change the poisonous role that Big Tech and social media corporations are playing in our national politics, public debate of the sinister collaboration is a valuable step toward alerting citizens about the tyrannical impact it will have, he said. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif) guaranteed "there will be no debate in the House on this bill." Senate Majority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY) seconded her stance and assured that "we will not be taking this issue up in the Senate." And Psaki dismissed Rubio's effort, calling it "pointless. No bill will be passed. Even if it were the President will veto it."

In related news, the Biden Administration has returned 27 refugees who escaped communist tyranny in Cuba. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas justified this reversal of longstanding US policy, saying that "previous administrations overlooked the fact that Cuban refugees have pretty consistently been among the most anti-progressive people on Earth. Cuba is the kind of egalitarian society that sets a model for the rest of the countries of the world. They have free education, free health care, and marvelously preserved and maintained vintage 1950s automobiles. There is no good reason for people to think they need to escape from such a paradise. There is no good reason why we should allow these malcontents to undermine our unity."

If you missed any of the other Semi-News/Semi-Satire posts you can find them at...

https://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php/topic,444170.new.html#new

[John Semmens]

ping

[knarf]

"A key breakthrough was achieved when Attorney General Merrick Garland pointed out that the prohibition against government censorship in the Constitution applies only to Congress," she said. "Specifically, it says Congress shall pass no law abridging freedom of speech. There is no prohibition against the President doing this by executive order. Neither does it bar private corporations from censoring anyone it wants to censor."

This is exactly the tactic the enemy has been using for decades.

The decimation of the second amendment in 1968 (GCA1968) is an excellent example.

Prior to 1968, a felon, having served his time and paid his debt, received back all of his rights INCLUDING the second amendment right to own a gun.

This is not semi satire

[marktwain]

Great work, John.

Sadly, all too, too, close to truth.

[dynachrome]

Work around? ha. The rinos will give a reach around.

[COBOL2Java]

When the White House staff talks about thinking "outside the box" they're referring to having to deal with Joe's empty brain.

"OK, it's agreed; we'll work outside the box on that"

[aquila48]

👍👍

[Seaplaner]

"Luckily, the major social media corporations are eager to assist the President in stamping out disunifying memes that customers attempt to post on their platforms," Psaki observed. "Thus far, they've been censoring undesirable ideas out of ideological solidarity with the progressive vision for America. It's time we adopt a more organized approach. So, I'm pleased to announce that we will be meeting regularly with our corporate allies to ensure that a uniform message is promulgated on all platforms. We will determine what that message will be. They will implement it on their platforms."

"A best-case scenario is that unapproved ideas will be intercepted within seconds of being posted," the Press Secretary predicted. "Individuals guilty of wrong thinking will be identified and reeducated if possible. Recalcitrant offenders who cannot be reeducated can be removed from normal society and placed in work battalions where they can make a more meaningful contribution through hard labor and the President's promise to 'build back better' can be realized."

When satire is indistinguishable from the actual (but censored) news...

Thanks, John, for another insightful/semi-scary column.

[Overwatcher]

I don’t know if you are old enough but there was a song that reminds me of Jen Psaki and the wonderful job she has been doing.

Buckle down, Winsocki, buckle down
Circle back, Jen Psaki, circle back
You can win, Winsocki, if you knuckle down
You can win, Jen Psaki, if you weren’t a clown
If you break their necks , if you make them wrecks
You are such a hack, ‘cause you don’t know Jack,
You can break the hex, so buckle down
And Shinola you don’t know, so circle back

Make ‘em yell Winsocki, make ‘em yell
Make ‘em yell, Jen Psaki, make ‘em yell
You can win, Winsocki, if you give ‘em hell
When they ask you questions, do not tell the truth
It you don’t give in, take it on the chin
If you don’t give in, you can lie and grin
You are bound to win, if you will only buckle down
You are bound to win, if you will only circle back
If you fight you’ll chuckle at defeat
Just make sure they send you questions in advance

Knuckle down Winsocki, knuckle down
Circle back, Jen Psaki, circle back
You can win, Winsocki, if you buckle down
You can win, Jen Psaki, if you tell the truth
If you mow them down, if you go to town
When you lie instead, Trump’s inside your head
You can wear the crown, if you will only buckle down
You can wear the crown, you silly little clown

[ding_dong_daddy_from_dumas]

John, do you have a link to Garland attacking free speech? I searched everywher including the Russian search engine.