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Portland Invests in Unarmed Patrols [semi-satire]
Semi-News/Semi-Satire ^ | 11 April 2021 | John Semmens

Posted on 04/14/2021 10:29:52 AM PDT by John Semmens

Convinced that "we must do something to break the cycle of gun violence," the Portland, Oregon City Council voted to spend $1.4 million to fund unarmed patrols. The patrols will concentrate on public parks that have become prime locations for drug deals and turf battles between rival gangs.

Mayor Ted Wheeler (D) hailed the move as "innovative. Instead of sending in cops with guns we will be sending in social workers to intercede between potentially violent confrontations. The first 'weapon' these patrols will deploy is persuasion. A lot of violent crime springs from ignorance. Our patrols will inform gangsters of the harm their activity inflicts on others. If persuasion is unsuccessful our patrols will witness and videotape illegal activity that will serve as evidence in any subsequent trial."

"To keep costs low, each three-person patrol assigned to a park will work a different eight-hour shift so that there is always one person at the park around the clock," Wheeler said. "Criminals will know that they cannot expect to be unobserved. I think we can get a lot of bang for our buck with this strategy. At the very least, we will be showing the people of our city that violence isn't the answer."

Wheeler noted that "this move in Portland has some similarities to New York City's decision to retrain members of its police force to learn how to be unarmed human shields between gun-wielding thugs and their intended victims. Since our patrols will explicitly not be police officers we expect a much lower casualty rate because the knee-jerk hatred of cops won't be a factor."

In related news, Gov. Kate Brown (D-Ore) blamed Trump for the murder of a Trump supporter by Antifa terrorist Michael Reinoehl last year, saying "if there were no Trump, there would be no Trump supporters and no opportunity or need for poor Mr. Reinoehl to kill them."

If you missed any of the other Semi-News/Semi-Satire posts you can find them at...

http://www.gopbriefingroom.com/index.php?topic=433848.0


TOPICS: Government; Humor; Politics
KEYWORDS: crime; democrats; guns; satire

1 posted on 04/14/2021 10:29:52 AM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

They can issue scoldings!


2 posted on 04/14/2021 10:33:08 AM PDT by dynachrome ("I will not be reconstructed, and I do not give a damn.")
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To: John Semmens

This sounds closer to reality than satire at this point.


3 posted on 04/14/2021 10:33:57 AM PDT by Blue Highway
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To: Blue Highway

The unarmed patrols are real.

I merely added the unspoken rationale behind this idiotic decision.


4 posted on 04/14/2021 10:38:21 AM PDT by John Semmens
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To: John Semmens

Will Mr Wheeler be on the weekend night shift of patrols?


5 posted on 04/14/2021 11:17:52 AM PDT by Mark (Celebrities... is there anything they do not know? Homer Simpson)
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