I Don’t Make the Rules, Hallmark Does

Hello, my name is MOTUS and I’m addicted to Hallmark Christmas movies – don’t judge, especially if your idea of a Christmas movie is Die Hard.

In fact, I’m watching one – A Boyfriend For Christmas - as I write this. It is one of the first of 5 Christmas themed movies that Hallmark made way back in 2004. There are now 136 Christmas movies if Wiki is to be believed, although I’m not sure if that includes the whopping 40 new ones they cranked out in 2020 despite the cooties. So I think we can all agree then when I say of Hallmark:

Now when I say I’m “watching” I mean that in the same way I once “watched” Fox and Friends First when I woke up at 5 AM: it is providing a low buzz of background noise as I work on my post. And for about 6 months at this longitude, it also provides background light in an otherwise dark bedroom.

Now I’ll bet there are some of you that pride yourselves on never having seen a Hallmark Christmas movie. Too bad, as that means you are unfamiliar with the unique genre in which 15 actors, 2 writers, 5 settings and a plot generator -

are used to create an endless array of escapist movies that are both cheesy and predictable while at the same time as comfortable as a pair of old jeans, assuming they still fit.

Up until this year the movies were, well, embarrassingly middle class and white.

But with BLM’s “encouragement” and the LBGBT community’s shaming, this year’s 40 entrees made up for that. You have never seen so many ethnic characters and mixed race couples enjoying Hallmark romance.

“Memories of Christmas,” “Majestic Christmas,” “Christmas Everlasting”

But aside from those new twists, everything else is the same: a plot selected from the matrix above, a conflicted main character meets his or her true love but doesn’t realize it: tension/misunderstanding ensues followed by a happy ending. To say that the movies are formulaic is an insult to formulaic fiction, but then…did you miss the part about a happy ending? Guaranteed!

Is there anyone out there who couldn’t benefit from a happy ending once a year or so?

And if you’re still not convinced allow me to point out other benefits of the genre: you can organize a whole evening of games around a Hallmark Christmas movie. There’s bingo of course:

And if that’s not enough there is the Hallmark Christmas Movie Drinking Game, which is basically bingo sans the markers.

So as the New Year approaches, and the Hallmark Christmas Movie season draws to a close – at least until July – you should consider catching one before it’s too late. There are worst things than happy endings you know…

Or you can just watch Die Hard again I suppose. It does have a happy ending so I suppose it technically qualifies.

Het, it wasn't ALL blondes. They also had Lori Loughlin (before she was convicted of acting like a Kennedy without actually being a Kennedy) and the Goodwitch. And Lacey.

And with all of the new diversity, there still is a remarkable lack of visible tattoos and piercings on the actors. It's like watching a Hollywood movie made prior to 1960 with current technology.

My wife recorded all 40 this year, and watches them a little bit at a time. She can summarize the plot within the first 30 seconds of the movie, even before the title and lead actors show on the screen. And she started watching Lifetime this year even more than normal, because 4 premieres each week on Hallmark just wasn't enough.

I was thinking about Die Hard as a “Christmas Movie” last week. Didn’t have it fully worked out - but did likened it to a Hallmark movie.

Estranged couple, but trying to be amicable.

Holiday party - but the other “friend” shows up to make things awkward.

Crisis arises.

Crisis shows that the other small stuff in life doesn’t matter.

Couple realize the true meaning of Christmas and ride off into the sunset (sunrise?) happy.

The best Christmas movie for me is still stored in my mind, ready for replay at any moment. It was the first Christmas with the steady girl that would become my wife. Among doing somewhat dangerous things (too numerous to count), there was the midnight ride on US67 (Mercer co, IL) of myself (alone, 23 and still taking teenager risks), about 1am on Christmas Day, 1977. The steed: a maroon, 74 corvette. It was not a powerhouse (as far as corvettes), but could eventually get the needle to almost touch 130.

Going home after spending a blissful afternoon and evening with my future bride, at her parents’ place in Moline, IL, I was only about 4 miles from home on the straight and wide open Mercer county countryside of US67, just cruising down the toboggan run at about 95. (Our area had received a lot of snow in the weeks and days preceding, and the state plows had the snow piled just outside of the while lines, often higher than my car. Kind of a false sense of security that the car couldn’t leave the road). Earlier there had been a fresh 1/4” dusting that wasn’t enough to warrant sending out the salt trucks.

It was fun to look in the mirror and watch ‘fog’ appear behind me as I rolled the 25 miles of open road, rolled through the small town of Preemption (300 pop. No stop sign) at about 85, the streetlights lighting up the swirling snow I kicked up. Then south of Viola the unexpected....

I saw a flat piece of something lying on the road zip under the right side, heard the unmistakable sound of steel slapping the pavement after being driven over by the right front tire, followed by the rapid “whoosh, whoosh, whoosh...” of a spinning tire with a big hole in it. The tire was flat a no more than 2 or 3 seconds. From the previous experience of decelerating a mini-bike too quickly (road rash moment) about 10 years earlier, I knew I needed to just keep it straight and back off the power slowly. Between that and the independent rear suspension, it stayed straight and smooth.

I eased off onto a well plowed and snow packed country road, stopped, and proceeded to put on the spare...... under a clear sky, and a lovely full moon lighting up the white blanket of snow as far as the eye could see. It was really a pretty sight. I was dressed warm enough. Except for the elevated disco era shoes. Thankfully the air was almost calm. It was close to 0 F, but just told myself, “the faster I’m done, the sooner I’m back in the warm car.”

Got done, and for a few moments just stood there looking around at the glorious moonlit panorama. At 1 in the morning Christmas day there was zero traffic, so I just rolled on the last 4 miles without turning on the lights. I wish I could have filmed it.

That fall and winter was a great change in my life, thanks to the lovely young woman that met 3 months earlier. It was over 2 months later that I finally got the courage to pop the big question. Her answer has so far lasted 42 1/2 wonderful years.

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