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Protesters Attack Presbyterian Worshipers After Mistaking Them For Statues
Babylon Bee ^ | 06/22/2020

Posted on 06/22/2020 3:57:38 PM PDT by DFG

A gang of social justice warriors, roaming the streets in search of more monuments to topple, fell upon a group of Presbyterians holding an outdoor church service on Sunday and attacked them. The protestors apparently mistook the worshippers for a group of statues.

Members of First Elect Reverent Presbyterian Church were holding an outdoor worship service Sunday morning and were standing in an open courtyard next to the church when the activists approached. Just as the motionless figures completed a 23 minute period of silent confession, parishioner Calvin Archibald opened his eyes and saw dozens of picketers charging toward them. Archibald later told sources he remained frozen in fear, but when his daughter Grace reached up to scratch her nose, the protestors realized their blunder and halted just in time.

“They looked like a group of statues, the way they were frozen in that courtyard,” activist Cayden Gresham told reporters. “It didn’t help that they must not spend much time in the sun. They were as white as marble.”

“Honest mistake,” he added.

After the demonstrators left, the statuesque congregation raised their eyebrows in unison and faintly smiled to thank God he had not predestined them to die this day, though many told sources they would have gratefully accepted their fate had this been God’s ordained will.


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: babylonbee; calvin; congregation; predestined; presbyterian

1 posted on 06/22/2020 3:57:38 PM PDT by DFG
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To: DFG

Is this satire, or pre-news? Hard to tell these days.


2 posted on 06/22/2020 4:04:13 PM PDT by USFRIENDINVICTORIA
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To: DFG

That is a riot....

LOL


3 posted on 06/22/2020 4:05:42 PM PDT by Vendome (I've Gotta Be Me https://youtu.be/wH-pk2vZG2M)
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To: DFG

I grew up Presbyterian! Truth! Love the Bee!


4 posted on 06/22/2020 4:39:40 PM PDT by Bookwoman (And I am unanimous in that.)
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To: DFG

Lololol!


5 posted on 06/22/2020 4:54:55 PM PDT by silverleaf (Great Things Never Come from Comfort Zones)
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To: DFG

Delete the last five words and that’s what is coming to the USA sooner than people think


6 posted on 06/22/2020 5:36:22 PM PDT by Stravinsky (Politeness will not defeat the Marxist revolutionaries)
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To: Vendome
As an Apostolic Pentecost, my Pastor talks about loosening up during praise and worship, and jokingly says almost every Pentecostal church I've been to has a "Sister Bulldozer", and he goes on to say that "Sister Such and Such" was praying and stood up and screamed, and tackled a large group of people praying together, from that point the service broke loose, best revival he has ever seen, x amount of people baptized and service lasted past midnight. When we asked "Sister Such and Such" what she was feeling and how powerful was the Spirit moving through her she said " I tried to stand up, stepped on my dress, pulled it down to my knees, screamed, and tripped into a run trying to pull it up, and the people that I tackled were just in my way. Just a little funny story for my Brothers and Sisters out there 😁.
7 posted on 06/22/2020 5:47:10 PM PDT by Ponyexpress9790
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To: Ponyexpress9790

funny


8 posted on 06/22/2020 6:16:07 PM PDT by Vendome (I've Gotta Be Me https://youtu.be/wH-pk2vZG2M)
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