I am sorry
I went through this, after 16 years married. You are receiving good advice here from FReepers. When you list all of your assets, be sure to include furniture. Sometimes inheritances are exempt from property split, so if either of you inherited something that was then put into joint property, it might be backed out or considered as belonging to the one who inherited. If you are able to defer receiving any money, such as reimbursed work expenses, etc., that might be a way to keep some cash coming your way later.
Two other items to consider are whether or not you are in a Community Property state, and what is the age of majority for children in your state. It is likely someone will pay child support to/through that age.
Depending on your financial circumstances, you might looking at temporarily suspending contributions to your HSA and/or 401(k), if it seems like either of those will be split 50-50.
Good luck to you. It is a very long process, and not at all easy, under the best circumstances.
The key that put me over the edge to move forward on it was my son, who was 8 at the time, had been presented with some lesson in school, which discussed “healthy families” and things that healthy families do. And he pointed out to me that ours was not doing those things. Then I knew, I had to act. Within a few days of that conversation, before I had actually seen a lawyer, the ex- missed an evening activity at the school, in order to go drink with his work buddies. Reinforced the decision, and my son was highly upset, told me he knew what was more important to dad. People might criticize, but hold your head high.
You will be surprised at all the social and dating options that are out there after all this time. All you do is just have to take chances.
First of all DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE WHERE YOUR CHILDREN RESIDE! Don’t move out or you will be accused of abandoning the family and your claim to the house will be reduced.
Second, get a lawyer who specializes in representing men in divorces.
Third, remain calm and refuse to get into any arguments with your wife. Walk out and cool off for a while but do not argue with her.
Fourth, find a church and join it.
Finally, don’t go looking for another woman. That will only make things worse in the short term.
Even if you are not Catholic, but Christian, or a faithful man believer in God ... try to save it ... show an effort.
If it becomes truly intolerable, first .... DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. You have a right to stay in your own house ... find a bedroom, sofa, etc.
Next ... call on --> http://www.adamdivorcelaw.com/
I am just completing a divorce now. Wife and I have both signed a settlement we agreed on with a little assistance from attorneys. Divorce decree will be issued any day now.
My wife initiated it. There were longstanding tensions, and although I think the marriage could have been salvaged, she did not.
I was fortunate to have an ex-wife who was committed to doing it amicably.
I would hope that after 25 years of marriage, you don’t hate one another guts. You also have children, which again I would hope you and your wife can agree on how to handle. If you can both approach it with a spirit of fairness, love (though the marriage is ending), and compromise, you’ll both retain a much larger portion of your estate. Also, whatever you can agree on without attorneys, do so.
You both should want to get on with the next chapter of your life on as good a footing as possible. Don’t hurt yourselves by bringing your marriage drama into the divorce settlement discussions. If you and your wife can let go of any residual anger or bitterness, your future will be better.
If you and your wife haven’t attempted counseling, then you should try. If it really is a lost cause, then again just conduct yourselves in a way that minimizes future pain and regret.
As far as the loneliness goes, your youngest is in high school. When he/she graduates, see it as a chance to embark on whatever you want. Move to another city, travel the world, in other words, focus on your happiness, not on what you have lost. If you want to be with someone, believe me it will find you.
I had a friend at work who went through something similar. He really wanted the divorce when his youngest of two was just entering high school. He held out for as long as he could, at which point his kids were all 18 or older. As adults, they could choose who to live/associate with.
In this particular instance, the wife was a mental case and verbally abusive towards the children. While my friend could have attempted to have this resolved in court, he chose to hold on for a couple of years until his kids were adults. He now is divorced and has very good relationships with his children outside of any oversight from their mother.
The Lord fixed me up. My wife dumped me after 20 years and I prayed that my heart would be set free. Two weeks later, I realized I had lost ALL feeling for her. A week later I met the woman of my dreams and we’ve been happily married for 18 years.
i.e. Prayer
Oh, and I have three daughters. They were 10, 13 and 16 when it happened. Everyone is fine now.
These days in some cases the parents get “joint custody” of the children. It may be a little hard on the kids, spending half time at one parent and half with the other one, but there are also a lot of benefits. You might look into this — discuss it with your lawyer.
Also, you may feel lonely, but be careful to avoid another relationship, which may be detrimental to you.
It’s tough, but hang in there, try to stay friendly with your soon-to-be ex-spouse, for the sake of the children.
My ex cheated over past few years with 4 different people... decided to be 1600 miles with the last guy. We did a mediator... split everything up.
I went on match.com for semi-respectable women and adultfriendfinder.com for less respectable women.
Since my separation early June, I’ve killed more Trojans than Achilles.
The emotional pain fades fairly quickly if you get up and go to work every day no matter what.
The financial pain is around for a heckuva lot longer. At least an order of magnitude more.
My sincerest condolences to you.
And another thing; take the Red Pill.
Be prepared to get screwed over by the ex-wife, no matter how bad she is the judge will always give her the benefit of a doubt.
You will have regrets my friend, don’t fool yourself.. especially if kids are involved... fortunately yours are older which is good. My oldest was 13 when we split... she basically undermined my value to him passive aggressively from the divorce on...
Once he no longer had to visit, I have attempted to keep the Relationship, but I rarely hear from him, or see him... doesn’t seek my advice on anything. Is going to be 20, not going to school and mother is letting him just work minimum wage job and live at home...
I don’t regret divorcing my wife, but I know, and realized quite early after the split, that my son would not be able to reach his full potential with how she was interacting with him and undermining me. She’s will continue to enable his immaturity and coddle him, even if she intellectually knows he needs live to kick him in the teeth a bit to grow up.
Part of this is the age, so I do have hope he will come around, but the insanely strained relationship I have with my son today is far more heart wrenching than the end of the marriage.
My only words of advice is, don’t be nice, she’s not going to be.. the system is stacked against you, and no nice thing you ever do will be recognized, and it will be used against you. “Being the bigger man” when it comes to divorce sadly is only going to make things worse in the long run.
Good luck to you, your life will be hell for a while... find someone you can help you through it... You will get bitter.... You will find levels of hate you probably didn’t know existed in you... You will see just how nasty the woman you loved can be... and how petty.. and all the other things as well.
The only other word of advice is, get it done as quick as you can... mine should never have been as bad as it was, but she hired a grossly incompetent lawyer, who covered up his incompetence by claiming I was doing things to screw her over, when in fact it was just he didn’t have a clue what he was doing so every time he screwed up, he’d blame it on me doing something evil or wicked.
Again good luck.
You have to do what you have to do. I went through it 20 years ago and the kids were small. The relationship was toxic and would have never held.
I would suggest if you have not got an attorney yet. Get one that specializes in men. They know more than the ins or outs.
Be blessed and stay strong. It’s survivable I remarried 19 years ago an am happy as a lark!
Freegards
LEX
Why does divorce cost so much?
Because it is worth it.
Prepare to be accused of abuse.