Posted on 08/02/2016 10:56:43 AM PDT by Scythian_Reborn
I've been married 25 years, I'm not going to go into the reasons but I just need to file for divorce, we have three kids, youngest is in high school. Love them more than I can say, to live in a different house than them is the most terrible thing I can imagine.
Already my heart is breaking just thinking about it but there's no saving this marriage. Have any of you been through such a thing? How did you cope with the loneliness. I am not a drinker and don't have a lot of friends.
Do any of you regret it terribly, I need to know ...
Not on my first day, but soon after, they did.
Marriage has become a losing prospect, especially for men, in the last 50 years in this country.
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Marriage was a losing prospect for women for the last 2 thousand years..
So you fellas only got another one thousand, nine hundred and fifty years to catch up!
Pray a lot.
Control yourself.
Do not let the kids see or hear you raging at spouse.
(I am not implying that you do-just general advice here)
Maintain yourself above reproach at all times.
Do not drink or do anything unseemly.
The kids will see the truth no matter how the other party tries to spin things if they are old enough.
I have seen spouses try and discredit their better halves with lies and manipulation. If you’re in that situation it may be better to stay but completely disengage from spouse until they are up and out.
When the kids are young they can’t see what is really going on.
It’s painful when they are little and believe lies.
When they get old enough to see for themselves they will hate the person who tried to blow up their family with lies and manipulation.
It’s a long wait but it’s worth it not to lose them permanently because you went too soon before you could disprove the lies.
LOL that is absurd.
Fake your death
Not a drinker either and not one who planned on hanging out at local watering holes to find dates, he relied on friends to introduce him to their single friends for a number of months.
Already divorced, I had been attending local singles groups that met at churches and met a guy that I'd had lunch with but we knew we weren't going any further "dates" for a number of reasons (mostly he's very liberal and I'm very conservative - huge 2nd Amendment supporter.)
It just so happened once a month, one of the single groups met afterwards at a local "oldies dance club" for Happy Hour Buffet.
One such evening, it was raining cats and dogs but I had agreed to meet another woman after a late meeting with a client, I went to the Happy Hour.
My now husband went along with the fellow I had already met, he introduced me to my now husband, we realized we attended church the preceding Sunday morning, sitting two rows apart........and the rest, happily, is history!
Hang in there and follow your own moral code, you'll never regret doing the right thing though you might find yourself eating carryout pizza alone or with your kids but you will meet quality people if you persist.
Another hint that I followed: I got involved in things I always wanted to do and became quite busy following my interest (conservative politics was one and found that I didn't enjoy dating liberal men, so rarely ran into them!!!)
The loneliness - one of my favorite quotes is "to be an adult is to be alone."
Meaning - being alone is something you need to cope with and ultimately be okay with - else you hop into another bad relationship. It gets better and you will find peace with the decision.
Divorce sucks and I wish it on no one. But, when you have to go through hell, keep going. God will provide a way.
The advice about not leaving home is good. I'd also suggest some personal counseling. Get a name from a divorce lawyer who specialized with men.
If your youngest is in high school they can live where they want. The judge goes with what the kid wants. So is nvite them to live with you.
After a long day of him toiling at work to pay your bills and sustain your lifestyle, I’m sure.
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Wow, you have issues. Hate women much?
If no one wins, why go through with it?
Man, did it improve my life, though.
I actually have a friend that became an alcoholic to get his wife to divorce him (he refused to be the divorcer). It worked. Once she did, he stopped drinking.
1.Ask around and try to find the best attorney. Many attorneys offer a free 1 hour consultation. Do that with a few of them. See how sympathetic they are to you, plus you learn a lot of good free info. Lawyer fees can vary, and the most expensive isnt always necessary.
2.Search Google for your state laws on divorce. I live in Illinois, its view is that it is the childrens advocate. Women have no advantage. Right across the river in Missouri, women have big advantage. The internet is a wealth of good info. You may be able to get custody or join custody. Get the facts on child support percentages and stuff like that.
3.Be prepared for war. Do not be moved by being fair, you will regret it. Make a list of any and all assets you have. She should also. There may be things like pensions etc, involved, you might be able to take a part of it.
Find out who’s name every utility is in. As others said, do NOT move out of the house. No matter how bad it is, staying the house. That is definetly something to talk to your lawyer about
As for the loneliness, that is a hard one. Goto bookstore and sit and read books there.
If you have not been a church goer, casually talk to the Lord, talk to him about how you feel. Look to Him as a caring friend who is always there to listen. You may be amazed what comes out of that.
Do a Google search on ‘scriptures for hurting people’...very much there there
Sorry for your situation.
I not a particularly religious person, but I checked the Divorcecare program out at a local church. It was recommended by a friend that went through it. It was 13 weekly session with others going through the same thing. It helped enormously. I was a basketcase before I started going. I finished it up about 4 months ago. Glad I went.
Chocolate pie all over my computer................ haha!
I’m not a divorced man. Married female.
Remain calm. Always be the adult in the room. Don’t argue. If she seems like that is where she wants to go - walk away. Or better yet, tell her “I don’t want to argue with you, I want you to be happy”. Maybe you better not tell her that...it might piss her off.
Hire good legal advise. Divorce is expensive. Don’t try to bargain hunt attorneys. Not only do you have to protect your financial issues but also custody and placement. Children are your most valuable asset. Be there for them. You children are close enough to adult. You will not loose your children or their love. That lasts forever!
Don’t rush to meet women. If it is meant to happen, it will happen. Take time to heal.
Join new activities. Is there a hobby you always put off? Do it!! Find your passion. Go back to school. Low on cash to do things? Join a church, men’s group, volunteer.
It may seem hopeless now. But, the sun will shine again.
The worst part of divorce is change. Fear of the unknown. I wish you all the best and will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you follow up and let us know about the great new life you have discovered.
There is nothing worse than divorce - if at all possible consider sticking around until your youngest graduates high school.
No one wins in these situations and as an adult you are inherently stronger than your children. This is not a moral judgment on my part - There is a book you might want to read prior to making a final decision: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce - it is a 30 year study on how divorce effects children - in the study kids of divorce and their peers from non-divorced families are interviewed every 10 years to see how they are progressing.
For me the most interesting take away was that kids from unhappy non-divorced families do much better and almost as well as kids from happy non-divorced families - cause kids are not all that interested in the state of their parents’ marriage - they just want stability - and that is defined as having their parents there for them in the same house -
Once the kids are out of the house - then they seem to do better if their parents divorce.
And as I am sure you can tell - I am not a guy - I am the daughter of a horrible divorce and this book helped me understand a lot of things - that I was unaware of as a child / teenager -
Even if staying is not an option, this book would help to counteract some of the, as I now know, foreseeable consequences of divorce - when I was growing up they were considered to be unintended consequences - which I now know that one could only come to that conclusion if one willfully chose to.
Anyway - only you can make the decision - in my view there is no such thing as equal rights in divorce - women are angels and men pay - has nothing to do with the facts of the case.
Good luck to you!
That response is so uncalled for to someone you don’t know.
Found out I was getting divorced at 26 and 1/2 years. About killed me. Two kids in later teens.
Got a good attorney. Never did anything in the process that was unkind or that I would regret. Oldest kid decided to stay with me and his brother wanted joint but if my wife had fought it he would have stayed with me as well. Gave the spouse all the liquid assets and paid off her car which allowed me to keep my house.
The month my divorce was final I went out with a wonderfull woman who I married the following year. Started out dead broke, been remarried for 19 years and are still like happy newly weds. Financially ten times better off and blissfully retired last year. My bride is a rabid Trump supporter and is always asking if we have enough ammo.
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