DUmmie FUnnies 09-23-14 (The DUmmies ask: Who put the ISIS in CRISIS?)

DUmmie FUnnies ^ | September 23, 2014 | DUmmies, DUmmie Saboburns, and Charles Henrickson

[Charles Henrickson]

The Beaver is BACK! Li'l Beaver, that is. Yes, that lovable, cigar-chomping mascot of the DUmmie FUnnies is here to tell you: The DUFUs are back in business! After some months of on-and-off-again editions, DUmmie FUnnies founder PJ-Comix and affable co-host Charles Henrickson (yours truly) have decided to give it another go, just in time for the midterm election season. As you'll recall, here at DUmmie FUnnies we take an entertaining look at the Looney Left, particularly at the postings found at Democratic Underground, the home of those wacky moonbats affectionately known as the DUmmies.

PJ kicked things off yesterday, September 22, which was the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of the first-ever, official, stand-alone edition of the DUmmie FUnnies. From there, the DUmmie FUnnies rapidly grew to be one of the most popular features on the internets. The Andy Stephenson Situation, Pied Piper Pitt, Fitzmas Freudenschade, Trust-Fund Ted and the Occupests, Know-it-all Nadin--the DUmmie FUnnies has been there to chronicle it all. And now, as a Democrat Debacle looms likely in November, we will once again get to witness the DUmmies go absolutely CRAAAAZY!

One of the traits of your average DUmmie is that it thinks that everything that doesn't go their way is the result of some vast right-wing conspiracy. For example, if Dan Rather falls for forged memos, it's due to a Perfect Rovian Storm. If a Democrat loses an election, it's Diebold fixing the machines. If Karl Rove hasn't been frog-marched yet, it's because the indictment is still sealed. It's always something.

And so it is today, with this THREAD, "Somebody sure wants me to hate ISIS." DUmmie Saboburns is wondering out loud: Who put the ISIS in CRISIS? You see, it can't be because ISIS is an evil, murderous organization that goes around beheading innocent people. No, it must be a right-wing plot of some sort, brainwashing the 'Murican people into a frenzy of hate, so that the Military-Industrial Complex can launch us into another war. That must be it. Many of the DUmmies agree with DUmmie Saboburns, but even those who think that's a little TOO wacky, they at least feel that we 'Muricans DESERVE to have our heads lopped off.

But before we get to the DUmmies, let's sing this song that sums up the belief of DUmmie Saboburns. Click the music link and sing along!

YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFULLY TAUGHT (not to want to be beheaded)
Tune: "You've Got to Be Carefully Taught"

You've got to be taught
To hate and fear
Those who'd cut off your head
From ear to ear
It's got to be from
A Rethuglican smear
You've got to be carefully taught

You've got to be taught
To hate the guts
Of people whose knives
Make murd'rous cuts
It can't be because
They're just evil and nuts
You've got to be carefully taught

You've got to be taught--
Those can't be your views!
Those viewpoints were bought--
It must be the Jooos!
They're shaping your thought--
And there's always Fox News!
You've got to be carefully taught!

So let us now take this voyage into DUmmieland, where the rantings of the DUmmies are in Bolshevik Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, the wag tailoring the doggerel, Charles Henrickson--wondering how Li'l Beaver spent his summer vacation--is in the [brackets]:

Somebody sure wants me to hate ISIS

[Who put the ISIS in CRISIS?]

5 weeks ago I'd rarely/barely heard of ISIS.

[10 years ago you thought somebody set up Dan Rather.]

5 weeks ago I'd rarely/barely heard of ISIS. Now it's the most hated outfit on the planet.

[Except in DUmmieland, where the most hated outfit is the racist Rethuglican Party.]

It certainly didn't take long to be taught to hate them.

[Yes, DUmmie Saboburns, you've got to be taught not to want to be beheaded. There can be no other explanation.]

And that makes me ponder a few things.

[Ponder away, DUmmie Saboburns, while we hear from your fellow DUmmies . . .]

And we read, and we watched, all the specially selected news...

[That's got to be it. And so, somewhere, in some auto dealer's waiting room, Doug Bulna is disabling Fox News on the television set and hiding the remote.]

They've beheaded Americans on video. Why wouldn't you hate them?

[STOP! Stop, DUmmie woolldog! You're making too much sense!]

We've obliterated hundreds of Iraqi, Pakistani, Afghan and Yemeni children with our drone strikes. Why wouldn't they hate us?

[It's our fault! We deserve it!]

So your solution is to allow them to behead our citizens.

[Yes! Please! It's the least we can do!]

Thankfully Obama has more sense than that.

[Definitely. He doesn't get too worked up over these things. Whenever he hears of another ISIS attack, Obama beheading to the golf course.]

where have I heard this f***ing bullsh*t before? Oh yeah... I remember now... ... it's precisely the same line of lies used by George W Bush, Dick Cheney and company to drag us into Iraq in the last gigantic f***up. You want to fight those people? Have at it, jump on a plane and go do it. ON YOUR OWN F***ING DIME.

[Only a F***ING RETHUGLICAN like Chimpy McBushitler or Darth Cheney would get so upset over Americans getting killed!]

The current situation in Iraq & Syria is a direct result of the actions of the Bush Regime. ISIS would not have existed without the invasion of Iraq. . . .

[In other words . . . everyone? . . . BUSH'S FAULT!]

Ten yrs have gone by, and it's a different world because of it.

[Ten years have gone by, and DUmmieland is still the same.]

What reason do you have to think this criticism of O administration is hate for him?

[Whenever anyone criticizes President Obama, it can only be one thing: RACISM!]

Bombing ISIL will not prevent beheadings, nor bring back those who are dead. Bombing ISIL will only make them stronger.

[Really, we should be bombing ourselves. That may placate them.]

Obama is not demonstrating any kind of prudence on this issue. He's being led by the nose.

[THAT'S RACIST!]

We need to send them strongly worded letters expressing our disapproval. If they still refuse to cooperate, their name will be removed from the Secret Santa box.

[I detect a note of sarcasm.]

Consensus among the pro-war faction here seems to be that Obama is attacking ISIL because the publicized beheadings have left him no choice but to do so. If that is indeed true, then Obama is committing both a grievous error and a war crime.

[IMPEACH OBAMA NOW! CHIMPY MCSAME! TO THE HAGUE WITH HIM!]

Obama and Kerry are seeking to unite the region...and the world...around a solution to a bad situation, of which ISIS is only a part.

[John Kerry has Obama's back. Doesn't that fill you with confidence?]

I call ISIS' worldview tribal because it is. It's ummah versus everybody, with genocide as the goal (preceded by "pacification" or Islamization by imposing the proper order on the world--Islam on top, then others that have some revelation, and the destruction or conversion of everybody else).

[But wait! I thought the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria wasn't Islamic!? Dear Leader told us so!]

If you see a giant hill of manure, some cows are nearby in the field, and it smells like bullsh*t . . .

[. . . it's the DUnghill, aka the DUmp!]

Putting out videos of themselves beheading Americans might play some role.

[Ya think?]

You are being played.

[Yeah, why do you let such things upset you? Can't you see it's all a right-wing plot?]

Should we do anything to try to rescue the hostages?

[Ah, who cares? What difference does it make?]

Does ISIS really pose an existential threat to the U.S.?

[Really. I mean, what could Islamic terrorists do to us anyway?]

It's easy to dupe the American public. . . .

[DUmmieland: Putting the DU in DUPE.]

So ISIL, in your view, is the victim of a corporate smear campaign?

[Totally innocent freedom fighters. Those "beheadings" are just photoshopped in there.]

More likely the fabrication of those who would keep us in perpetual war.

[I think you're right, DUmmie Scuba. They get those prefab "beheads" from the prop shop. Well done papier-mâché.]

"Created for profit" is certainly plausible.

[I BELIEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE!!!!!!!!!]

You think you have an explanation that isn't a conspiracy theory? You just said that your suggestion is that a secret cabal created ISIS for profit. In what way is a claim of a secret cabal manipulating world governments and murdering hundreds of people for profit not a conspiracy theory?

[It's not a conspiracy theory if DUmmie Scuba says it's not a conspiracy theory.]

The name of this consortium is 'The Neocons'.

[AKA the JOOOOOOOS!!!]

People like John McCain, Lindsay Graham, Dick Cheney.....the usual suspects.

[Jooos, all of them. And you left out Karl Rove.]

what's not to love about misogynist, homophobic, theocratic thugs marching across a huge swath of the globe?

[Are you talking about the Neocons or ISIS?]

I used to joke about Dick Cheney making the Osama bin Laden videos in his basement. Now we know he didn't need to resort to that - they are making them right in the Pentagon (or at Langley). It's pitifully transparent at this point but still the masses go for it.

[You know, at the end of those ISIS clips, I think the "A Dick Cheney Production" is a dead giveaway.]

Seriously? You think the ISIS videos are made at the Pentagon?

[I mean, really! I think Langley is MUCH more likely!]

[kevkrom]

They’re crazier with Obama in the WH than they were when Bush lived there.

They have to ratchet up the crazy conspiracy theories to 11 to account for the failures of their messiah.

[Fantasywriter]

You’re on the money. With Bush in the WH, the moonbats could coalesce around bashing & blaming him.
When Obama won, it was supposed to be unicorns & skittles. From a practical POV, however, things are as bad or worse with the Won than they were with Bush. It takes industrial grade conspiracy theories to harmonize this disconnect. More than that, it takes crazy. Lots and lots of crazy.

[luvie]

Welcome back, guys!

Just in time, too. The looney left is going right over the edge! :)

[eyedigress]

Charles, that is most representative of the looney left.

They have 6 years of Bronco and still admit defeat. They will never have a cogent thought in their mind.

Music may help their addled brain but coherence will not.

[Charles Henrickson]

The thing is, lonevoice, I was not the only one to use a "Obama beheading to the golf course" line. I've seen it done in a number of places. It's a pretty obvious thing to come up with.

(Sorry for not getting back to you sooner on this.)

[lonevoice]

Thanks for the reply, Charles. Your use of the line was the first I've seen it, and I've yet to see it anywhere else. We must travel in different corners of the interwebs. :) I still like it as much as the first time I saw it, and I'm glad you brought it to the DUFU.