Posted on 03/29/2014 5:59:41 AM PDT by NYer
Let me just start by saying two words which you can accept as fair warning to avoid this stupidest movie in years: Rock People.
Need more?
Tragiclly, as Western Civilization continues to decay all around us, one thing remains unmuddled: everything is politics. And nowhere is that more true than in media. The same polarization that fired Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty and then got him rehired, and made Mel Gibson $600 million, and then lost him his Hollywood career, and made half the world want to canonize Roman Polanski with the other half wanting him castrated — these are the same social causes propelling the embarrassingly awful horribleness of Darren Aronofsky’s Noah, into an 76% fresh rating from the shameless, agenda-driven critics at RottenTomatoes.com, and setting so many Christian leaders and critics into shilling for the same. Please, stop the madness. It is astounding to me how Christians can be lured into a defense of the indefensible because they are so afraid of the charge of “unreasonablenes.” Trying so hard to be nice, we end up being patsies for people who have no other agenda than to make money off of us.
Oh yeah. And ROCK PEOPLE.
Honestly, there is so little that is Biblical in the piece that it isn’t even worth critiquing it as an irreverent adaptation. If the Bible was an original writer of the material, the WGA wouldn’t even insist on it getting a shared story credit with Aronofsky. It isn’t an adaptation in any serious sense of that term. There is a boat, a flood, and a guy named Noah in both pieces, and that is all they have in common.
Noah is a terrible, terrible movie. I kept thinking all through, “Wow. The secular critics hate Christians this much. They hate the Christians so much, that they will rave about this piece of crap because they think the Christians are going to hate it for ideological reasons.” And the Christian critics? Well, too many have been all balled up in the throes of self-loathing for at least a decade, which leads them to depths of self-contradiction in their popular culture appraisals that never seems to have a bottom. As soon as the momentum around this picture as offensive Scripturally began to go – and it is clear that this was generated intentionally by the studio and PR people promoting Noah – the Christians felt themselves double-dared to show themselves “enlightened” enough to embrace the movie even as it spits in their eye in every way – as an adaptation of Scripture, as a work of cinema, and as a plain old story. Remember when so many Christians felt the need to embrace the neo-porn mess, The Master? I remember one guy insisting that it was the best film of the decade. It wasn’t. It was an offensive, puerile mess. And remember when we were all told to go see The Da Vinci Code to promote “dialogue.” What a crock! In this case, the insane need to embrace modern sewage has the critics swallowing huge, gargantuan portions of ROCK PEOPLE!
Where was I? Oh yes, Noah is a terrible, terrible movie. As a story, it doesn’t attain to the level of the worst of the cheesy Biblical movies made in the fifties. Aronofsky broke the first and sacred rule of storytelling: you have to make the audience care. We never cared about Noah even after he was kind to a wounded, half dog – half snake. (No, that wasn’t a mistake.) We never cared for any of the characters. I kept hearing people say this movie is deep. It isn’t. It is psychologically pedestrian. The only emotion the movie elicited in me was laughs of scorn. The script is problematic in every way in which a script can be problematic. Bad characterizations – no complex personalities, just stereotypes. Unmotivated choices abound. No imagery or story subtext. Huge story problems requiring ark-sized suspension of disbelief. Earnest, oh so earnest, dialogue with every syllable on-the-tedious-nose. Awkward transitions. Completely missing a coherent theme. Embarrassing soap-operaish holds on actors looking tense or worried or just staring ahead trying to convey lostness and doubt. And the fakest, funniest looking, plastic green snake used repeatedly to indicate badness.
It’s so dumb, I can’t even write a serious review. Seems likely the studio purposely created and then drove all the controversy around the movie because they knew they had a dog. They’re hoping they can have a huge opening weekend because as soon as word gets out that this is a dull, idiotic waste, it’s going to drop like a rock person next weekend.
Here is a short list of some of the stupid story problems in Nooah: (Is it possible to spoil a rotten thing? Well, be warned anyway…)
- Some of the angels felt compassion for Adam and Eve. God was so petulant and wrathful that he turned those angels into rock people. Then, human beings killed most of the rock people somehow. So, the rock people hate humans. But they take a hankering to Noah for no reason and build the ark for him.
- Noah chides his son for ending the life of a teeny wildflower. And then he cuts down an entire forest to build his ark.
- We are told that the cities are centers of technology, but when we see the cities close up, they are just tents and unwashed people with really bad hair. You would think if they were so advanced they might have invented shampoo.
- It starts to rain, and five minutes later, Tubal Cain attacks the ark with an army of thousands and thousands. That’s a great general!
- The evil city people believe it is the apocalypse within seconds of the first drops of rain.
- Tubal-Cain hides on the ark -unknown to Noah – for nine months. He stays hidden despite the fact that he is eating the animals raw to keep up his strength. There went all the unicorns, I guess.
- The animals are lulled to deep sleep by a herbal smoke potion. But it has no effect on the humans.
- Noah spends nine months firmly entrenched in his plan to murder his grandchildren at their birth. He’s intractable and insane in his conviction that this is what God wants. But then, when he is about to stick the knife in the children, he just changes his mind. Unmotivated choice.
- Five minutes after they emerge onto the new land, Noah makes himself a winery and gets crazy drunk and naked. It’s not clear if he is angry at “The Creator” or angry at himself or just an introvert who suddenly has nothing to do.
- ROCK PEOPLE. ROCK PEOPLE. ROCK PEOPLE.
I was looking forward to the effects, but, really, the movie storytelling is so bad, that the effects fall flat. The score is over the top and intrusive. It is striving so transparently to make up for the lack of emotion in the picture that it repeatedly calls attention to itself, in the worst way.
Oh yeah, and there is a ton of annoying, superior liberal preaching about how we should all be vegetarians, and that technology and cities are innately bad because they hurt the planet. Dumb, oversimplified liberal utopia nonsense. But it barely offended me because I was so much mre offended by the terrible story craft in the piece.
Stay far away and save your money. Rent The Ten Commandments for the weekend. Or Ben Hur. Or even a bad Biblical movie like The Robe. Any of them are a thousand times better than this piece of pretentious, over-hyped garbage.
Galaxy Quest called. They want their rock people back.
Anybody who says Christians need to see the movie to promote dialogue is being a tool. Anybody who says the movie is visionary is jumping on an Emperor has No Clothes bandwagon. Any pastor who creates a sermon to coincide with this awful piece is being played for a sucker. And the Christians who are promoting the film for money should be ASHAMED of themselves. Really, how dare you?
P.S. rock people
The tv ads began early. As soon as the question of authenticity surfaced, the advertising shifted to promoting "respect" for the biblical account. This past week, several of the cast and the director made appearances on various news programs defending their interpretation. At that point, I knew the film was doomed.
> I thought it was laughably bad. Just weird. It was so bizarre and confusing to me, I didn’t even notice any big-budget special effects. I just wanted out of the theater.
Have you read Erick Erickson’s review/summary? It’s funny and spot on. (Spoiler alert for those who wish to experience the awfulness first hand):
http://www.redstate.com/2014/03/27/darren-aronofskys-noah/
WOW. Just read the review. I’d say they too kway more than artistic license and turned the story into a complete farce. Heck anyone who doesn’t know about the bible or read it would be completely convinced it is just a book of fiction and superstition after watching the movie which says it is potraying the story of Noah in the bible and I THINK THAT IS THE POINT of the movie. I hope it really bombs for trying to intentionally harm people of faith by poking fun at them in this manner and that they go into debt big time. Expect “the Garden of Eden” with God being space aliens placing DNA they have culivated and placed on earth as an “experiment” next year. Wait they already did that with Prometheus...
Don’t worry I wasn’t going to see it anway and just watch it when came out on DVD but after heaing your review it ain’t happening. I guess that’s what happens when a biblical movie is directed by an ATHIEST director. i’ve heard Mara Rooney and her husband of the Bible Series were involved in the movie. I had my suspicions about her when I saw photos of her with plastic surgery and open blouses down to her naval. No true Christian woman dress like that nor would her husband approve of it. Well at least we know to not endorse or buy anymore of their products
What next? A Disney adaptation to "Paradise Lost" (those lovable satyrs go against that mean "man upstairs"!)? Oliver Stone's "Sodom and Gomorrah" (where self-righteous homophobes surround Lot's house to demand he bring out the two gay angels)?
They did ...
Agreed, that was the closest....and it’s the best movie of the 21st Century (so far).
Comical disasters such as this are the natural result of the ungodly trying to make movies about God. Their fear and loathing prevents them from understanding what it is all about. It’s much like asking a hyena to tell you about life.
This review is spot on
This review is spot on
Even that's not right...there were 7 of every clean animal!
At the start of the 1956 version of The Ten Commandments, Cecil De Mille came on the screen and explained that he was taking dramatic license so as to tell a good story. However, in my opinion, sticking to the original story would have been better.
Box Office: ‘Noah’ Winning Over Faith-Based and Mainstream Moviegoers
http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/box-office-noah-friday-matinees-691984
It’s a movie and it’s a good movie. Crowe and Connelly are great and should be nominated for academy awards. I saw it yesterday.
Here’s a story line that is a little more accurate, and very funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfU92tDr8rg
That`s funny, from a time before profanity laced skits.
Just saw the movie today.
If the movie was not supposed to based on the biblical story of Noah it would be barely passable simply because the acting is good.
The script is just silly and roams so far from the biblical story it should not be viewed as a bible story.
Review by Randall Price ...
Noah, The Film: All Washed Up
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138756/posts
thanks, just e mailed this to friends and family...many people in my parish wanted to see this movie, I hope this link helps in making their decision.
A collection of FREEPER threads on the movie - Noah ...
Religious tide turns against ‘Noah’
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3138393/posts
Noah: a classic blunder
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3138403/posts
Nine problems with the movie “Noah”
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138569/posts
Don’t Get Punked by Paramount’s Pagan Noah Film
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3138604/posts
Noah – The Emperor’s New Movie (The Utter Embarrassing Mess of ‘Noah’)
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-bloggers/3138663/posts
‘Noah’ Review: Brilliantly Sinister Anti-Christian Filmmaking
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3138716/posts
Noah, The Film: All Washed Up
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138756/posts
Box Office: ‘Noah’ Winning Over Faith-Based and Mainstream Moviegoers
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138788/posts
No meat at ‘Noah’ party
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3138805/posts
The Noah Movie: Our Detailed Review [Christian Review]
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138815/posts
The Noah Movie: Deconstructing Noah’s Ark; Godawful Storytelling
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/3138821/posts
wow, that many! I guess no FReeper will ever watch that movie.
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