Posted on 11/15/2011 10:02:56 AM PST by Kaslin
PJ Advice Columnist Belladonna Rogers on coping with the inevitable relative who turns up every year, preferring a debate to a drumstick.
Dear Belladonna Rogers,
Unlike last week’s advice-seeker, I have but one sibling. He’s 58, two years my junior. He hosts Thanksgiving dinner every year because our mother lives in a nursing home near him. He’s liberal and belligerently so.
If I want to see our mother at Thanksgiving — and I do — I have to drive 430 miles from Pasadena to Napa. During Thanksgiving dinner in 2009, my brother asked what I thought of Obama’s stimulus package. I knew we’d disagree bitterly, so I tried avoiding an answer. He persisted like a bulldog until I said I was against it. My wife and I gave specific, fact-based reasons we opposed it. He, his wife and grown children all piled onto my wife and me, trotting out all the liberal bromides against anyone who differs.
The following morning when we visited for breakfast, we were shocked to see he’d posted a new magnet, one that hadn’t been there the night before, front and center on his fridge door:
Both my wife and I took umbrage at such a hostile message intended as an obvious rebuke to our candid replies over dinner.
Thanksgiving 2010 he asked us about ObamaCare, and we calmly said we were against it, offering specific reasons for our opposition. The same pile-on recurred. Our mother has very high blood pressure, and she becomes visibly agitated when we argue. I don’t want to be any part of the cause of her fatal stroke, so I cleared the table, and was again confronted by the insulting fridge magnet. I was so offended I moved it to the far side of the fridge near the floor, and left not long afterward.
Our mother’s now 85, and in very fragile health, and I don’t want another pitched battle when my brother asks me which candidate I support. I can’t refuse to go because it means so much to our mother to be with both her sons.
What to do?
— Pissed in Pasadena
Dear Pissed,
Your brother’s behavior is deplorable. I’d be pissed, too.
In considering your options, imagine a speedometer from 30 to 80 mph, representing six potential approaches at increasing levels of confrontation as you pursue your goal of a politics-free Thanksgiving.
Just in case, though, I suggest arriving at your brother’s house with a few of your own favorite fridge magnets to leave behind as thoughtful gifts if, despite your efforts, your brother is unable to attain maturity by November 24.
Such trinkets are available here for $5 each. They’d be amulets in your pocket –protecting you from evil and providing you with a measure of cheerful confidence as you enter his house. Think of them as good luck charms. Cue Elvis…
For added holiday cheer, I’ve festooned this column with a few fridge magnets you may find comforting as you drive north:
Now for your approaches: starting at a leisurely 30 mph, email your brother that you’d like to talk on the phone before Thanksgiving. Tell him you’re looking forward to it but want to air your political differences beforehand to avoid another debate at the table. “It isn’t healthy for Mother, and it’s not so great for me, either. Let’s discuss whatever questions you have now, so we can keep politics off the table on Thanksgiving.”
If he fails to agree, kick it up a notch: “We’ve had two consecutive Thanksgiving dinners ruined by our political differences. You’ve seen how it upsets Mom when we bicker. For her sake, let’s get it over with now.”
50 mph: “I know you get off on goading me until I tell you what I think, but I’m not playing that game this year. I’m 60 years old, and I’m the one who has to drive 430 miles to be with you and Mom. It’s a pain to make so long a drive knowing the whole way that you’re determined to pick a fight with me.”
60 mph: “Life is short. Mom won’t live forever. Let’s agree to disagree, but not in her presence. I don’t like your politics any more than you like mine. But let’s give it a rest on Thanksgiving.”
70 mph: “These past two years you’ve picked fights with me at the table over politics. I’d rather visit Mom at the nursing home on my own and not see you at all if we can’t put our political differences aside for a two-hour meal.”
80 mph, and going for broke: “My wife and I drive almost 1,000 miles to be insulted by you and your family. Your boorish, intolerant behavior has been on full display the past two Thanksgivings. If you mention even one word about politics at the table, my wife and I will excuse ourselves politely, and won’t return. We’ll take Mom out to lunch the following day and enjoy some quiet time with her. I refuse to engage in your agenda again. You’ll have to find another conservative to bash. It won’t be as much fun as haranguing your older brother, but it will have to suffice. Maybe you’d drive that far for a pointless argument, but I won’t.”
It’s up to you how far you want to ratchet it up, but your goal is clear: to have your annual dispute over political differences before you make the drive, and out of your mother’s earshot.
I hope one — or, if absolutely necessary, all — of these approaches to your brother will result in a happier holiday for you, your wife, and your entire family.
— Belladonna Rogers
Anyone who says they are able to get through these insufferable family holiday dinners unscathed, with linquine spined libs attempting to hold everyone HOSTAGE, is in denial.
The economy, home sales, medical issues, The Supremes. They all lead back to Ground Obama and leave room only for conversations about the weather and a tooth fairy reality. Who’d wanna waste that kinda time when you can be watching football?
Even if you “agree to disagree”, it’s a lesson in futility and way too much effort.
I say, don’t punish yourselves. You can’t pick your relatives but you can sure decide whether or not you want to become a victim of their insatiable desire to try to change you, humiliate you or just make you damned uncomfortable.
See: fridge magnets.
Here would be my response: “Thanks for the invite. I’m not able to join you this year. Say hello to everyone for me!”
I’m almost Lib-free right now in my personal life...and have divested myself of toxic family and friend relationships in the process that are hazardous to my Conservative health. And I feel so much better!
An aberant nephew who praised unions and anti Scott Walker tactics last year,,,after getting a tongue lashing from me, his hostess, is no longer on the invite list.
Of course, I’m the matriarch and pretty much get to decide who is at my dinner table now.
Later, when I am older and have less inflence, I guess I’ll just blissfully enjoy my turkey at the nursing home while watching the Packers beat the Lions .
When not in mixed company, I've been know to fart loudly and walk away. :)
You’re lucky. I still hear from former girlfriends, who turned into super-Libs with the election of W.
On Facebook (I joined to view my niece’s wedding pix), a lot of young folks wanted to be friends but after some of them were stupid enough to show sympathy for the OWS crowd, I unfriended them ASAP. It is amusing that some have e-mailed wanting to stay in touch; my answer, “Sure, once you give up Socialism.”
I prefer to counter pushy questioning with absurdity. Refuse to play the game they're setting you up for.
"Why don't you like Obama?" - "He's an evil mutant. Look at those ears. He's obviously the result of a failed genetic experiment by somebody who watched Disney's Dumbo too many times".
"What do you think of Obama's Healthcare Initiative?" - "It's all a plot to deprive us of our vital juices. They will secretly siphon off our vital juices at checkup time."
I spent about 60 years of my life having every holiday ruined by my ranting liberal older brother (who is stuck in the Berkeley 60s). The rest of us are decidedly conservative, and his two or three day stay always ended with me in the bathroom hurling, right after seeing his car disappear on the road.
Wish I had felt strong enough years ago to put a stop to it, but alas, I didn’t. Until five years ago...........that’s when I declared that he was not welcome in my home....EVER. Yes, “ever” is a bit harsh, but the peace I’ve enjoyed is worth it.
I will not put up with anything from a family member that I wouldn’t put up with from a stranger.
Wait a sec. Your tagline indicates you support Perry, not Cain.
No matter the circumstances, it’s pretty stupid to put yourself in that situation.
LOL!!
that hadn’t even crossed my mind...ha.
You make a statement and then leave! ha.
You forget; elderly Mom is present. Elderly Mom - stroke, heart attack brought on by trauma and stress . . things like that.
It appears these “relatives” are prime examples of “irregular people”. If I “had” to be at Thanksgiving dinner with them, I’d simply REFUSE to discuss politics or religion with them. . refuse . . refuse . . refuse, and keep refusing until the visit was over.
The visit’s over in about two hours; take Mom back to the nursing home when limited visit is done. Enjoy your stay at the hotel, eating out and anything positive else you can do. Have fun; and don’t take the bait. Visit Mom on your own.
My MIL just turned 88; this “family togetherness” rule EVERY holiday finally got too smothering to abide EVERY holiday about eight or nine years ago. We had NEVER been able to adopt any immediate family traditions of our own because of this insistent “rule” of hers. Too bad, but now we are doing it anyway. She seems set to live to at least 100, and this business of “but this might be Mother’s last year” ever since she was in her 70’s has become hilarious on its face.
She caused a lot of trouble about not always getting her way for a long time; but seems to now have accepted that she has to be reasonable about it. (We still respect her and do a lot for her; except allowing her to continue dominating us.)
I put up with a lot of “passive agressive” behavior out of in-laws at those gatherings for years. It didn’t gore hubby’s ox, so he seemed oblivious to it. (I forgot to add that Mom had never had to cook a holiday meal herself; everyone else did it. Of course, now we don’t expect her to do that and never have; but I’ve often thought if she hadn’t been spoiled about that, she might have conveniently decided to do something else. This idea that the younger women have that the older ones’ most happy thing is to cook all day every holiday while they lounge needs to be reconsidered.)
My wife and I were going to have a quiet Thanksgiving in our home, but one of my sisters insisted that we come over for dinner. I can’t make my wife cook Thanksgiving dinner, although she’s very good at it, but she obviously would rather not cook for just two. So we’re going over to my sister’s house. Which mean listening to my liberal family members and in-laws getting drunk and talking loudly about how much they hate Republicans. I used to argue, now I just shut up and smile. But it is irritating.
Agreed - that’s appalling behavior.
“Sure, once you give up Socialism.”
Hey, great answer, 12Gauge.
Unfortunately, I recently had lunch with an acquaintance whom I hadn’t seen in years.
When she asked what my passion was, I told her Conservative politics.
She then proudly replied that she is a Socialist as she looked to me for a reaction. I said nothing..
Thankfully, the lunch ended soon after that. She looked perplexed and tried to bait me all the way out of the restaurant: “ie, What about BUSH?, and poor people who “can’t work” and need the Gov’t to provide for them?”
When I got to my car, I turned to her and said, “I am not interested in what your opinions are and would hope you wouldn’t ask me about mine. Unlike you, I love this country and feel that living here is the greatest gift that God has ever given me”. She looks bewildered. We haven’t seen each other since and won’t.
Glad I’m not the only one with holiday family problems. The thing that used to irritate me the most is we had to be there, on what should be an enjoyable holiday day, with people who really didn’t want to spend time with us, but who also didn’t want us not being there as it made mom/grandmom happy to have us all together. And thinking about it, if we weren’t there, mom/grandmom’s attention was probably focused on the fact we weren’t there, so even if we weren’t there, the attention was focused on us and not those who were there, which is who her attention was usually focused on when we were there. It all seemed like such a power struggle. Be here and make me happy, doesn’t matter if you’re not happy. LoL We finally walked away and spent holiday time at home with our own children. Now our children are grown and we don’t pressure them to come to our house. We have an open door policy, when ever you are here fine. There will be food if wanted and we may or may not eat with them because we eat when dinner is ready and with whoever is there then. And there are leftovers to reheat for whoever shows up later and is hungry. Which another complaint of mine was my extended family never gave an exact time to be there for meals. They would say noon and dinner would be served at 2pm. They would say 2pm and serve dinner at 1pm and complain that we were late. And of course at least one person had to break the political silence and start a family political battle. Of which neither side can believe what ideological stupid people they are related to. LOL Only one to stay out of it was mom/grandmom, and only because she never paid much attention to such things.
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