Posted on 01/22/2011 2:38:18 PM PST by writer33
“Dragnet” Theme Song Plays
Johnny Gilbert: Live, deep within the bowels of the Pima County Jail. It’s the legend himself, the man that makes women faint from his machismo, that has Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin shivering behind their microphones, a man that is known for the sharpest of wits with the keenest of law enforcement instincts, and the man that once called Andrew C. McCarthy an ‘idiot’ and the U.S. Constitution a ‘ridiculous notion’. It’s America’s favorite lefty sheriff…Sheriff Clarence Dupnik and “The Ask Sheriff Dupnik Show!”
Applause and Cheers Sound Effect
Dupnik: Thank you, Johnny Gilbert. It’s great to be here broadcasting from deep within the heart of the Pima County Jail. Unlike the right-wing attack machine, on this show, your voice matters. Civility rules the day here in Pima County. So let’s go to the phones. And it’s Eric from Milwaukee. Thanks for calling, Eric.
Eric: Thank you, Sheriff Dupnik. You’re the greatest. I just want to say I love your show, I always agree with you and I voted for Obama.
Dupnik: Good man! So what’s on your mind?
Eric: We know that the EIB Logo is responsible for these dittoheads, emitting a low-pulse uranium, microwave, laser feed thereby lobotomizing the onlookers of the dittocam. I watched the dittocam for two minutes during a commercial break. I couldn’t help it. I was drawn to that huge EIB Logo. And in those two minutes, I wanted to get my hands on an AK-47, chug a glass of Snapple Raspberry Tea, and start shooting Mexicans, kittens, gays and blacks.
Dupnik: Oh, dear, God. What happened?
Eric: Beads of sweat the size of golf balls. I haven’t had beads of sweat like that since we played Tiddlytwister on the night of Obama’s inauguration. Fortunately, my lover—Andrew Sullivan—slapped me, force fed me a banana, and read Saul Alinsky’s Rules For Radicals for an hour while I lay in a fetal position, whimpering, “I want my Mommy.”
Dupnik: Limbaugh is sick. It’s just a matter of time before some right-wing fruitcake arms himself with plastic explosives, snakes and a Bible, and runs into The New York Times, screaming, “Die, sinners!” I hate that man. I’d love to get Limbaugh in my jail and give that man a little taste of Pima County civility! What a freak!
Eric: And I want pictures, Sheriff!
Dupnik: Thanks for keeping it real, Eric.
Eric: Thanks for keeping it civil.
Dupnik: You bet! Next, it’s Sherrie from Tuscon.
Sherrie: Hi, Sheriff.
Dupnik: What’s up, Sherrie?
Sherrie: As a Mom of four, I’m concerned about Sarah Palin’s daughter moving to Arizona. Could this mean the end?
Dupnik: It’s a valid concern, Sherrie. As we know, Palin’s hormones give off ultrasonic pheromone vibrations that can only be interpreted by those on the right. These pheromones produce an audible message in your ear: ‘lock and load,’ rendering the conservative unable to control their normal brain functions. If it’s true, and there’s every indication that it is, it means that Bristol Palin also carries the same gene. That’s doubling down on Palin pheromones. This could turn Arizona into another Oklahoma City.
Sherrie: Mother of God!
Dupnik: That’s right. McVeigh, Loughner, Stalin, King George III, Barney the Dinosaur. All brainwashed by the right. Barney the Dinosaur was a horrible tragedy, offing himself with jelly donuts just mere minutes after listening to the Mark Levin Show. These right-wingers just don’t give a damn about anyone or anything. They’re sick, raving maniacs!
Sherrie: But what can we do to protect ourselves from Sarah Palin?
Dupnik: What I like to do is cover my entire body with Vaseline and wrap myself in Saran Wrap. It keeps the vibrations out and sends them bouncing right back at her. Give her a little taste of her own pheromone medicine.
Sherrie: You’re a life saver, Sheriff.
Dupnik: No. I’m a conservative ball buster. And that’s all we have time for today. Tomorrow…we’ll discuss how to properly destroy Mark Levin’s Liberty & Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto. Burn it? Flush it? Shred it? Tune in tomorrow and find out!
Cue “Dragnet” Theme
Concept by rightwingintelligentsia. Contribution by Clint N Suhks and Mrs. Suhks Esq.
Satire ping!
He’s been in law enforcement for over 50 years yaknow.
Damn, he must have some vacation time built up..
He is the Swami of law enforcement. :-)
Concerned in Tucson.
Dear Concerned,
Yes, give me the address and I will have the SWAT team there by tomorrow morning. Remember to record it for the media. We can make an example out of them.
By the way, its Dupnik.
LOL!
Satire, you sure?
LOL!
Heard in Arizona; Just got off the can from taking a Dupe-Nik. LOL
And PS: Make sure the family dog is in the yard, off leash.
Maybe it’s time for him to retire
LOL!
I love it. Offing himself with jelly donuts. LOL!
You’re not getting the props you and rwi deserve :o(
lol
Thank you for reading, nick42.
It's okay. It's a posting time frame thing. Probably should've waited till Monday to post it. But either way, you, I and rwi know it's good. :-)
Glad you enjoyed it, bronxville. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.
(.....a little Dupnik lingo there).
Leni
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