Disguise yourself as a Democrats.
Since Zombies are after brains... They'll leave you alone.
2. Pocket Map Start in the area you’re attempting to flee. Chances are you’ve heard about a magical camp/village/cargo ship some distance away that serves as a safe haven, if you only knew how to reach it. Steal more maps as you continue on your journey. Knowing where you’re are is the first step to getting where you’re going. Plus, this way you won’t miss the Grand Canyon on your way to your new home at the camp/village/cargo ship.
3. Gun and ammo Preferably something easy to carry with plenty of rounds per cartridge. AN assault rifle would be recommended. Range weapons are best, as they allow maximum casualties with plenty of room for retreat. Avoid weapons that hold fifteen rounds of ammo or less. Nothing sucks more than getting your arm gnawed off because you didn’t have time to reload.
4. Lighter Some might suggest lighter fuel and matches, but the truth is, one well stocked cigarette lighter (antique, of course – remember, old school) should see you through the worst of the apocalypse. Not only will it help you cook whatever pigeons and squirrels you manage to kill for food, it will also be helpful in setting fire to the living dead.
5. Hummer Sure, they’re bad for the environment, but then again, so are flesh eating zombies. These babies are built for high impact travel. They hold several adults, they don’t roll as easy as the SUV your mom owns, and they’re the next best thing to driving a tank. Sturdy and dependable, this beast will flatten anything in its path while doing 80 down a deserted highway on your way to the camp/village/cargo ship. Stop for gas at every deserted station.
6. Chain Mail What is this, a zombie attack, or a Renaissance Faire? You want to protect as much of your luscious, living flesh as you can from potential zombie bites. No one’s really sure how infection spreads, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Light weight full body armor is best, but at least do your best to protect your arms and upper torso. In the plus column, chain mail looks good with almost anything and you’ll be the envy of all your new friends, most of whom are probably going to die soon.
7. Zombie Movies You’ll be traveling a lot in that Hummer – probably with a ragtag group of friends and new acquaintances – so you should spend that time brushing up on how to kill zombies. Look for obvious mistakes made by fictional survivors and strive to do better than going back for a doomed friend or isolating yourself from the group in the middle of a battle. Do not make the mistake of assuming that you are the star of the movie, and therefore indispensible. You could just as easily be the funny friend that dies in the second act.
8. Military water purification tablets Let’s be honest: you don’t know how fresh that water’s going to be wherever it is you’re going, and you may be miles from the nearest zombie-free Wal-Mart. Ensuring you always have a source of fresh drinking water is a surefire way to survive in between zombie attacks. Always rinse out your canteen between purifications. Avoid bodies of water recently inhabited by zombies and/or zombie fish.
9. Comfortable shoes Zombies don’t move very fast, so it becomes probable that you can outrun them. Make sure you’re outfitted with the kind of high priced footwear a professional athlete or futuristic apocalyptic warrior would wear. You want to move like Kobe or at least appear just as cool. Remember to stretch before running from zombies, unless, of course, zombies are already attacking. The more unique your footwear, the better the chance that you are the star of this zombie attack, therefore securing your long term survival.
10. Ham Radio It will eventually become important to have contact with the surviving outside world. Since most modern forms of communication will be eradicated, it will become necessary to use sad, outdated technology to find other scrappy survivors who also had grandfathers that lived through World War II and never threw any of their old crap away. These people will be running the camp/village/cargo ship and you will probably not agree with how they do things. Luckily, zombies do not know how to use radios or other devices requiring more speech than the occasional needful moan.
Our biggest problem is that Zombies have the right to vote. And they are more than half the population.
Bump for later
I didn’t even know Rob Zombie was that mad at humanity.
“Plenty of rounds per cartridge”? I hate amateurs. The author is gonna be chum when the zombies come, bet on it.
“Gun and ammo Preferably something easy to carry with plenty of rounds per cartridge”
Just how many rounds are in a cartridge? LOL
Guns. Lots of guns.
LOL!!! Oh man, 5&6 hit so close to home!!!
I emailed a copy of this list to Mr. trisham. I'd like him to survive the coming zombie apocalypse as well.
That’s great. My son talked about this kind of stuff a lot before he left for boot camp. I printed this and sent it to him. I’m sure it will make him laugh. :-)
1: Zombies do not wave at other zombies - so don’t hit the one guy who does - he may not know about the zombie apocalypse
2: When the Zombie Apocalyspe begins - it’s no time to be a racist - you’ll probably lose a hand.
3: Glocks does not have a manual safety
4: Do your relatives a favor if they turn into Zombies - shoot them!
5: When picking upa bag of guns in the middle of the street - make sure you look left & right and check to see if there’s a car load of mexican “ese’s” waiting - becuae they will jack your a$$ once you get the weapons!
6: Once the Zombie apocalyspe starts - do not go to the CDC - they obviously did not prevent it - therefore it is doubtful they have the cure...
7: When wakling pass over run military check points that have large calibre weapon systems (crew served) - grab that sh*t and use it!
Don’t forget your “Lucky Ham”. Wear it around your neck for protection...
A back hoe and diesel.
Just dig a big trench around your place. Zombies are stupid and would walk into it and not get out. Burn them in the trench.
(And yes, like all fixed fortifications, would require upkeep and persons to man it.)
A nice, non-climable, wall would work, too.
Both together would be best.
“5. Hummer”
I’d rather have a long-haul Peterbuilt with a sleeper cab.
High metal doors, windows up high, long range, diesel doens’t go bad nearly as fast, secure place to sleep.
Plus, you could basically push anything you want out of the way.
I still need to get a radio, talk about procrastination!!
Well it did work against the Martians.
If you’ve got time, it’s very funny to set up a couple hundred yard rakes - they never see it coming!
#2. Make it a military map. Civilian maps are usually not very good for navigating terrain. Contour lines help you pick out defensible high ground.
#3. As soon as you can, break into a military post. Take several M4A1 carbines, some with the grenade launcher accessory, and a bunch of magazines. Also take an M249 SAW in case you need to spray down a crowd. Then get several cases of 5.56mm and some boxes of 40mm grenades. Might not hurt to get an M1014 combat shotgun with some ammo if you can find one.
#5. Hummer. Hard top, but not armored (zombies don’t use guns). You need the military version, which is called a Humvee, NOT the civilian Hummer, which is based on a standard GM SUV platform. Grab one while you’re on post, and grab a trailer for it too (they don’t use civilian trailer hitches). Make sure it has a turret ring for your M249. Don’t forget the extra 5-gallon gas cans.
#11. Food. While on post, grab as many MREs you can fit into your trailer while you’re getting those water tablets.
#12. Night vision. While on post, get night vision. Both for your face and as scopes for your guns.
#13. Some hose, bolt cutters and a hand-crank pump. You’ll need it to refuel from gas station tanks.