Posted on 01/18/2010 2:51:42 PM PST by Daniel T. Zanoza
SPECIAL REPORT
RFFM.org has learned U.S. Rep. Mark Kirk's first name and middle initial is really James T. That's right. The congressman from Illinois' 10th U.S. Congressional District is actually James T. Kirk, the Captain of the starship Enterprise. Captain Kirk is not really in the Navy Reserves, he's a member of the United Federation of Planets, as well as a member of Congress.
There has been much speculation why Kirk has not been participating in any U.S. Senate debates which led to this RFFM.org special investigation. In reality, Kirk is on a dual mission. He's not only seeking the Republican nomination for the U.S. Senate seat in Illinois, he's also a Captain of a ship that travels at warped speed.
According to reports, Kirk was cited in Peoria on the night of the ABC 7 Chicago (WLS-TV) debate, but he did not drive there. A source, who preferred anonymity, told RFFM.org Kirk suddenly appeared in Peoria as a result of being beamed down from his ship that was circling above. Scientists say this type of transportation is against the law of physics, according to the Heisenberg Principle, but ... Others who believe in quantum mechanics say this form of transportation is possible, however...
On the night of the debate, RFFM.org has learned, that besides appearing at a speaking engagement in Peoria, Kirk was also on a mission to a moon orbiting (REDACTED--CLASSIFIED). After further investigation, RFFM.org has determined Kirk's destination was indeed the seventh planet in our solar system. Check Google or your favorite search engine, if you don't the name of that celestial body.
RFFM.org has also learned, Captain Kirk has a secret campaign slogan which reads, "Politics: The Final Frontier". If elected, Kirk's six year mission will be: "To boldly go where no man has gone before (or at least in the privacy of his own home), to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and legislation." This report will bring criticism upon Kirk because his two missions will not give him time to perform either job well.
This story will expose Kirk to more criticism because of his all man crew which violates laws discriminating against women. Kirk's real campaign staffers' names are Campaign Chairman Spock (first name yet to be determined), Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Montgomery "Scotty" Scott, Pavel Chekov, Communications Director Uhura, and Hikaru Sulu. Kirk is reportedly close friends with Mr. Sulu, very close. What's that you say? Lt. Uhura is a woman? After diligent research, RFFM.org has learned Uhura's first name is Frank, who originally hails from San Francisco--not Robbins, Illinois--as previously reported.
Earlier this week, RFFM.org tried to file an injunction in federal court, citing discrimination against women regarding Kirk's all male staff. But the court proceedings were hindered because of Rep. Kirk's support for a bill, titled ENDA (Employment Non-Discrimination Act). ENDA is proposed legislation, now being considered in Congress, that would prohibit discrimination against employees on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity for civilian nonreligious employers with over 15 employees.
The starship Enterprise has recently been down-sized and now only carries a crew of less than 15 because of threats to global warming. Kirk supports ENDA's passage. RFFM.org argued the legislation should still apply to Kirk's campaign staff and the starship Enterprise even though Kirk's crew has been trimmed down to less than 15 employees. RFFM.org decided not to pursue this matter because RFFM.org is an all volunteer, virtually broke organization, headed by a former substance abuser.
Frank Uhura had a sex-change operation in approximately 1988 or 1989. But RFFM.org could not confirm the exact date because of privacy laws regarding a person's medical history. However, if President Obama's health care bill is passed into law, medical information will be made available to all medical facilities via the Internet which will then reveal the exact date of Uhura's surgery and more.
RFFM.org recently hired an unemployed, homeless former CIA operative, giving him approximately $15 worth of food stamps. His job was to encrypt a code which has been discovered in Kirk's television ad--which is now running across Illinois. If you listen to the commercial closely, Kirk said he served over Kosovo and Iraq. In reality, Kirk was circling far, far over these two nations in a synchronized orbit while fulfilling his duties as the starship Enterprise Captain. Spokesmen for the United Federation of Planets and the Pentagon (regarding his phony missions for the U.S. Navy) told RFFM.org, Kirk was never in danger in either mission.
Subsequently, RFFM.org is still calling on Kirk, even though Kirk's position as Captain of the starship Enterprise is fictional or in his own mind, to drop out of the Illinois GOP Senate race.
Keep up the good work, Dan - from the “Judge”
Was he arrested? Maybe he was sighted.
You got me. My bad.
Julie (Dan’s typist)
L
*ping*
If Kirk is Kirk does that mean the rumors about him and Spock and true?
Are.
Gee whiz, I hope not. As for Mark... well, his votes are gay.
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