Am I covered?

The American Thinker ^ | August 29, 2009 | Harold Witkov

[Scanian]

I see that you have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on your door and forgive me for not respecting your wishes. I am truly sorry to bother you during your vacation at Martha's Vineyard, but I decided to slip this letter under your front door anyway. I hope I did not alarm you into thinking it was your express checkout bill.

I know how hard you have been working at reforming health care, running the nation, and bringing about world peace, and I understand how important it is for your mental health that you can get away from work and enjoy some private time with your family. Still, I thought you and I might be able to do a little health care reform "business."

Mr. President, I know, lately, that you have been taking a lot of heat regarding the length of your 1,000-page health care reform bill, but I was hoping you might be able to add just one more page to it because, in its present form, it does not cater to me.

To begin with, I am spending thousands of dollars on my daughter's college education. Statistics show that college graduates live longer than non-graduates do. Since a college education will probably bring my daughter a longer and healthier life, I think your health care bill should cover my daughter's college tuition.

Mr. President, in my neighborhood, there are those who have nicer homes than my own. I know it is not right, but sometimes I get jealous. Jealousy, I know, is not a healthy frame of mind. I think your health care bill should provide me the money to upgrade my home so that is more on a par with my more affluent neighbors, so that I will never be sick with envy.

Mr. President, sometimes I am unhappy at work and the pressure gets to me. This, I know, is bad for my health. Perhaps your health care bill can make sure I only have to work when it is stress free.

Mr. President, I believe my taxes are too high. Watching you, and Congress, have a spending spree with my hard-earned money on stimulus bills that will never succeed, gives me a nauseous feeling. Is there something you might include in the health care bill for my taxpayer nausea?

Mr. President, I have heard you joke about having your personal physician at your beckon and call 24/7. I am older than you are and concerned for my well-being. Do you think your health care bill can provide me with a sidekick physician?

Mr. President, like all Americans, on occasion, I put my foot in my mouth. Sometimes, I say the wrong thing and pay the price for it. I know it is just a part of being human, but still, I wish I could have something, at hand, that could keep me on message and out of trouble. Is it possible your health care reform bill could provide me with my own teleprompter? Having one to watch over me, keep me safe, and tell me what to do and say, would be the ultimate blessing for both my physical and mental health.

[backhoe]

[Swing_Thought]

Dear Citizen,

Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions of new ways that my administration can help Americans. You will be pleased to know that I have decided to incorporate your ideas into my health care plan! Accordingly, I have asked Dr. Bernanke to double the number of new printing presses that he currently has on order.

However, please understand that before we can provide you with the assistance you request, we will need to assess your worthiness.

You see, my administration (the most awesome in history) realizes that health care services are scarce. Additionally, Dr. Bernanke’s printing presses can only pump out so much new money before our Asian friends dump the dollar. Thus, we have developed a “Health Urgency Relative Treatment Score” (HURTS) algorithm, as a fair measure of each citizen’s right to receive scarce health care treatment.

In order to calculate your HURTS score we will need this information: your age, your racial and ethnic background, your gender, your sexual preference, your union affiliations, and finally, a notarized history of your contributions to the Democratic party.

Best Regards,

B.O.