President Neophyte Meets the Brits

Fresh off pummeling American conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh into cultural oblivion, his every verbal punch aided by the pecs and pseudo-six-pack that MSM closeteers and cheerleaders have presented to the US public since before ~~Obama~~ Christ was a carpenter, President Obama swaggered back into the White House, wiped off his sweaty bod with a towel purloined from the White House Gift Shop, and presented it to visiting British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, along with 25 Region 1 DVDs (which can’t play in Britain).

“Here, have some of these lickeys and chewys,” said Obama, using language the US military employs when referring to minor gifts presented to visitors. (Note that Obama never served.)

Brown then presented President Neophyte with an ornamental penholder carved from the timber of the HMS Gannet, a British naval vessel that took part in the battle to end the slave trade.

The snub was obvious and Obama pounced, first declaring that there would be no flag-waving over Britain’s desire to end a slave trade it started, and second, Obama was not a slave but in fact a major player in a new regional power called the United States, and again second, it was well-known in White House circles that Obama can’t write without a teleprompter nearby so all pens are banned.

The British Foreign Service acknowledged that it had tried to make a teleprompter from the timbers of the HMS Overcharge, but that Hillary Clinton (along with real pirate Johnny Depp) had already purchased all available ones off eBay and were selling them in the White House Gift Shop, along with those pesky bits of shrapnel and bullets that had attacked Clinton when she landed in Bosnia under fire, so many years ago. Model helicopters were also 50% off, according to Gift Shop manager Loreen Sellitall.

“Lordy, we’ve been trying to get rid of them toy hella-ma-copters since before Obama was a carpenter,” said Sellitall. “But with the new Marine Corps helicopters being procured, these old ones are a harder sell than getting a competent Russian linguist to join the State Department.”

“When the call for ancient naval timber comes at three a.m., who do you want to pick up the phone?” asked Clinton staffer Hillary Clinton, not rhetorically.

Bemused British pressers were reduced to shopping for outdated model Marine Corps helicopters in the White House Gift Shop, while Obama and Clinton plotted their next diplomatic coup upstairs, in Obama’s super-heated “Hawai’i room,” the only room in Washington DC where the temperature is allowed to be above 112 degrees Fahrenheit, thanks to a budget earmark that Obama said he’d refuse, but then he got cold and had it slipped it into an omnibus bill about Mayan salamanders living in the American River in California.

Meanwhile, it was revealed last night that Obama was “tired.” He reportedly has had many late nights of partying with B-List celebrities and eating Wagyu Beef while the country flounders, and the result is that he is already going Grecian Formula-ready gray. It is presumed that his rapid rise to the position of President Neophyte has not prepared him for the vagaries and stresses of the Oval Office. He was said to remark to one Secret Service agent, “I thought I’d only do like about 135 days of days of work in this Administration, just like I did in the Senate, but it seems like I’ve already done, like 46!”

The aged and lazy American press seemed disinterested in the stresses of financial recovery, social welfare or war, and focused instead on First Lady Michelle Obama’s toned arms and her predilection for wearing sleeveless sleeves. Her off-the-shoulder shoulders sent fashion guerillistas and Iranian mullahs into fits, with each attesting to the divine desires created by the awfully-good-looking, ermm, shoulderness of Ms Obama.

Hillary Clinton quietly took notes on this ominous shoulder-turn of media events.

In Washington, attending diplomatic officers from both Uganda and Mongolia (the only ones invited by President Neophyte’s ace staff of tweeners and 30-somethings) were appalled when Hillary Clinton met her British counterpart, Foreign Secretary David Miliband, and, playing on her recent success with Russia, presented him with a “That Was Easy” button from the US office supply chain, Staples. Unfortunately, the “Easy” lettering on the button was mis-translated, and read to the foreign-language speaking British as, “I’m in the Closet.”

After punching the button with Clinton, Miliband’s coming-out party was later held at “Purple Sox” just off Leicester Square. (In-the-know closeted British politicians will not need directions, nor will their spouses.)

Clinton, who later arrived at RAF Gatstanrow outside London on the well-appointed biplane Air Force Two and quickly and efficiently mispronounced on the rain-sodden tarmac the Foreign Secretary’s name as “Dexter Lackawood,” brought with her the spurned bust of Winston Churchill, which she referred to a small gathering of minor press (The Sun, The Upper Lochtonia Star-Guardian and the Tottenham Chicken-Chronicle) as “Busty Churches.” Then she acceded to a short meal at Wimpy’s after demanding to be taken to “McWimpy’s.” There, she ordered a “McBust with Cheese” and asked the staff to “hold the Churchills, as I don’t like long stiff things that go in the mouth.”

After that, she sped off in a London cab driven by Winston Churchill Singh, who told The Sun that she was polite and gregarious, as was Madonna who was with her, and that Clinton only mispronounced his name once while remarking repeatedly on Madonna’s “cannonball” shoulders as she kissed and bit them and called them “Bill” and “Dexter,” respectively. Madonna was later seen wiping lipstick (purchased as usual by Clinton from the White House Gift Shop) off her shoulders while talking with only a slightly fake Essex-gal accent into a cell phone with both US baseball star Alex Rodriguez and an unknown but apparently newly-liberated bloke named David Miliband (who according to Singh was on hold most of the time, which wouldn’t be surprising given the amateurishness of the new US Administration).

If Obama has got too much on his plate wouldn’t he defer to a protocol expert from State to determine the appropriate gift for the occasion?

They cleaned house when they took over. They fired everyone with a lick of sense and hired their own people.

We already know but its the sadistic streak in us, you can suffer as well and when you kill Brown for us you get Churchill back.
In the mean time our craftsmen are working overtime to produce a replacement bust for the empty plinth in the “Oval room”
Problems being encountered are that as Jomo Kenyatta has been dead such a long time we cannot find a recent likeness, and the only other pictures Britain holds of him have his prison number stamped across thus partially obscuring his features.
Also its knowing which tribal attire would be acceptable to the man from Mombasa. (Do you not think that sounds like the title of a Western).
But generally we just think (and you wont see this in the British press) F@:K him and the horse he rode in on.

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