Why We Must Become Liberals... (We must Ass-emulate)

…Psst. If I let you in on a little secret, you promise not to tell? Pinkie swear!

I have never been to a political meeting in my life. OK. Now that’s out of the bag, I’ll let you in on another one. Thursday, September 25, 2008 I plan to attend my first Democrat party meeting… and I’m takin’ popcorn and candy.

I’m not sure what to expect, but I figure it’ll be pretty cool. I think Whoopie Goldberg is the keynote speaker (I’m told she’s some Jewish chick from the Bronx). She’ll probably drone on about fiscal responsibility and states’ rights and the like.

I’ve got three boys and I’d like to get them involved in the political process as soon as possible. We home-school, so they don’t get a chance to be indoctrinated by the government on a regular basis. Heck; they don’t know anything about the government. All they know about is the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence… George Washington, Paul Revere and the rest of those old dudes, so our intention is to get them well versed in all the United States has to offer. I want them to know the ins and outs of Welfare, Social Security, taxes, Lobbyists. You know… the important stuff.

I also want them to be productive members of society, so I’ll make sure they know they’re only allowed to make a certain amount of cash before they’ll be classified as “rich” and that, when they reach that threshold, they will be required to give a large portion of their gains to those who are less fortunate or don’t have the desire to hold down a job themselves. And I want them to know they never have to work or provide for their families if they don’t want to.

I’m gonna make sure they get an education in tolerance. They already know that everybody is the same no matter the color of their skin, but I mean “real” tolerance. I want them to know it doesn’t matter who (or what) you love. I want them to understand even people who want to kill them for their beliefs are entitled to their own “religion of peace”. I need them to know how special their personal relationship with an Almighty God is, and that there is no right or wrong thing to believe, but that a belief in any god or no god at all is sufficient… I mean, true tolerance.

I want to ingrain in them the knowledge that children are a precious, wonderful gift lovingly crafted by the miracle of evolution. Then I need to teach my children to respect a woman’s right to kill her baby if she doesn’t want it, only stopping to reiterate what an incredibly special gift children are… how special they are.

I’ll show them how to pray to their own god without saying a word or even having an inward thought… the true meaning of “a moment of silence” lest they cast their religion on some unsuspecting citizen.

I want my wife to understand a few things too. She needs to know that she doesn’t need me or any other man to raise those boys. Before we leave that meeting, I hope she understands her rich Uncle Sam will provide for her and will give the kids a real man to look up to.

She has got to get that Hillary, Obama and the rest of them will give her and the children health-care so she doesn’t have to worry anymore.

I want my whole family to know that, should we be the unfortunate recipients of one of George Bush’s little Global Warming packages and our house is blown off the face of the earth, that the government will step right in and give us everything we need to weather the storm. Shoot dog… we’ll get our hotel expenses, our FEMA trailer while we rebuild and a monthly check to keep us afloat.

I expect them to tell us how they are going to make us dependent on them instead of foreign oil, because they know so much better than foreign oil. I want free medical marijuana, free child-care, free universal healthcare, free money, free love and free Willy...

When I look at what the Democrat Party has to offer, I’m overwhelmed… just think; these are the names of some of the people in Washington I’ll have caring for my children. To watch them grow and stand over their bedside while they sleep:

Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, Bill Clinton, Barney Frank, Charlie Rangel and Donna Brazille. Barack Obama, Henry Waxman, Al Gore, Al Franken…

I can rest easy knowing these people and many more like them are looking out for my kids, my wife, my money, my families’ education, my freedoms and all of our well being.

If left to my own devices, I’ll only screw up my life and everybody else in my family…

Last year, my (previously homeschooled) daughter was invited to attend a Young Democrats meeting at her high school.

She’s a gorgeous, spunky Jewess who wants to be a mother and a taxidermist when she grows up. (Go figger.) In all fairness, she did warn her friend that this was a bad idea.

The topic of the day was gay marriage. My little girl sat quietly until one of the other girls at the meeting turned to her and said, “What do *you* think?”

My daughter smiled and calmly replied, “I think homosexuality is a mental illness.”

There was a pregnant pause for about 30 seconds before the room *erupted* in horrified screams.

She calmly staved off their arguments for awhile before deciding it was time to leave. Her friend was banned from the group for bringing her.

She *loved* it. She plans on infiltrating many more meetings, “Just to mess with them!”

I gotta thank you for that comment...

It made my night. I’m so glad to see someone else is not afraid to put it out there to try and make a change.

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