DUmmie FUnnies 02-28-08 (Look out, DUmmies! Peeved Pyro Pitt gonna burn your house down!)

DUmmie FUnnies ^ | February 28. 2008 | William Rivers Pitt, DUmmies, and Charles Henrickson

[Charles Henrickson]

It must have been a rough night at Bukowski's the other night. Maybe Kevin Spacey wouldn't give him an autograph. Maybe Ty the Bouncer had to help him off the floor. Whatever the reason, William "Cry me a" Rivers Pitt was in his cups and in a foul mood. At times like that, Bottomless Pitt is wont to get on the internets and vent his spleen. When he does, Pie-eyed Griper Pitt is likely to take it out on his fellow DUmmies. And that, my friends, is one of Wee Willie's TWO entertaining and DUFUable personae.

You see, to paraphrase John Edwards, there are Two Pitts. One is the Pitt we first came to know and laugh at: Pied Piper Pitt (ca. 2004-06), the pompous, long-winded, leader of the pack of DUmmies, the "journalist" and self-imagined "player." But then, in a span of 24 business hours sometime in May of 2006 (aka Fitzmas), the other side, the dark side of Pitt, began to take over. I'll call this one, Peeved Sniper Pitt (ca. 2006-present). This is the guy who gets mad when he is mocked or questioned by mere ordinary DUmmies. This is the guy who insults his former followers, burns his bridges, storms off DUmmieland in a huff, but then, like a moth to the flame, comes back recanting a couple weeks later, because he needs an audience. Swinging wildly from Pied Piper Pitt to Peeved Sniper Pitt, it's a Pitt and the Pendulum thing.

Well, this latest rant is a DUzy. In fact, for this one I'm going to call him Peeved PYRO Pitt, and you will see why. Our Boy is in his profane, pugilistic persona, and there are 450 replies to follow! SOMEBODY shook up the ants! The THREAD is titled, with typical Pittian restraint, "OK, that's it. That's JUST ABOUT F***ING ENOUGH, thank you."

Oh, one more thing: Will picks as the target of his outrage what only a COUPLE of DUmmies have said, so the effect is that the majority of posters on this thread cheer Willie on and shower him with praise, which is no doubt the effect he desired. Some, though, find his rantics off-Pitting.

So now imagine we're sitting in a booth at Bukowski's overhearing Pitt and the DUmmies yap away, in Bolshevik (or Killian's?) Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent and resident Pittologist, Charles Henrickson, wondering if Journalist Pitt can land a gig with Jason Leopold's new BackGroundBeefing.org, is in the [brackets]:

OK, that's it. That's JUST ABOUT F***ING ENOUGH, thank you.

[ATTENTION, everyone! Peeved Sniper Pitt is in the house!]

"I swear it is my great hope tha McCain wins the election." Your great hope? Really?

[Pitt is ready to lay into a DUmmie who was not impressed with either Hillary or Obama. Of course, the REAL purpose is to show that no one is, or has a right to be, more righteously indignant than William Rivers Pitt. Pitt Rule #1: It's ALWAYS all about Will.]

If so, you need to get out of the house more...so you can find some nice highway traffic to play in, you wretched pathetic pallid pale weak watery sh*tass excuse for an American.

[Pathetic Pallid Pale Pitt brings the hammer down!]

Second time in 48 hours I've seen this exact sentiment posted ON DEMOCRATIC UNDERGROUND.

[Das ist verboten! Vote for Democratics only! Party Hack Pitt has spoken!]

I don't give one wet slippery sh*t who you support for the nomination.

[The Logorrheal One does not care if you prefer Ol' Crusty or B.O. Plenty.]

I don't care if you vote in the general come November, either. If you're so catastrophically f*cked in the head that you don't know the difference between the Devil and the deep blue sea come November, well...you represent 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000002% of the left-leaning electorate, so we can pretty much survive your masturbatory self-righteous abstinence. . . .

[Deep Blue Pitt does not care if you sit out in November.]

I don't care.

[He does not care.]

But. I. Swear. To. God.

[I. Am. So. Sick. Of. This. Tired. Period. Thingie.]

If I see another poster in this godforsaken testical-kick of a forum say they hope the GOP wins the White House in November, I will personally burn your f*cking house down, drive your car into the nearest available bridge strut, ruin your credit, deflower your chicadee, manhandle your couch cushions after eating lye with my bare hands, and make you watch while I sit down in the charred wasteland of your former livingroom and punch myself in the face over and over and over and over and over again, until the chicadee throws in the towel or until you pee your pants and promise never to do it again.

[Look out, DUmmies! Peeved Pyro Pitt gonna burn your house down! And deflower your chickadee! It's been a while since Pedagogue Pitt has deflowered a chickadee. Actually, the part I want to see is where Pugilist Pitt punches himself in the face over and over and over and over and over again.]

The Supreme Court matters, assbag. Choice matters.

[Gasbag Pitt reminds everyone of what is at stake, what is indeed the Most Sacred Value of the Democrat Party: Big Abortion MUST be preserved at all costs! We MUST protect a woman's right to get rid of An Inconvenient Youth!]

Lather rinse repeat.

[Blather, rant, re-Pitt.]

Gonna be a lot of smoke and sore-ass birds if this stupid idiotic self-destructive garbage comes up again on my watch.

[Wee Willie Threat Level: Orange. Now for the reaction in DUmmieland. . . .]

THe voice of reason!

[The voice of Riesling!]

Will, you're like a grownup among kindergartners.

[Junior High to High is more Will's speed.]

William! Take a deep breath and GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!!!!!!

[Mother Pitt, aka DUmmie Raven, sends Wee Willie to his room, as she fetches the Lifebuoy.]

Willy is fired up!

[Willy is used to getting fired.]

How ever much you actually do post around here, Will... It's not enough. It's not nearly enough. Please post more. Thank you.

[Ah, the post worked! Praise for Pitt!]

Not that you're wrong, but the style is the greatest blow to your credibility since Fitzmas.

[Oh, oh! Someone said the "F" word! Pitt will not like this. . . .]

I'm Biblically knowing your chicadee at this exact moment.

[Willie gives him the bird. So to speak.]

Tell me again about the indictments, Lenny -- I mean Pitty. . . .

[Of Mice and Fitzmas.]

The only thing I've noticed in some of your posts that you've seemed to put a hurtin' on - is a bottle of liquor!

[A-hurtin' we will go, a-hurtin' we will go. . . .]

Burn their houses down! I would have thought that people uttering such a thing would be TSed.

[Pitt has a special "Get Out of Tombstoning" pass from the TSA.]

there are many places, such as Massachusetts, Illinois, and Kansas, where a DU can write in the name of The Pied Piper and it would not make a TANJ bit of difference. . . .

["The Pied Piper"?! Somebody's been reading the DUmmie FUnnies!]

After all this *is* the DEMOCRATIC Underground. Not the "Feckless, Braindead, Lunatic, Repubican-loving Underground"

[D*mn straight! This is the Feckless, Braindead, Lunatic, DEMOCRATIC Underground!]

WORD. That is all.

[WILL. That is all.]

You know where I live?

[Mom's basement?]

I support anyone's right to rant, but I still think your ego and need for being the center of attention, are very unflattering. "On YOUR watch"..... As my mother used to say, "who died and left you boss?"

[He is the Great and Powerful Pitt!]

Don't envy Will for his popularity. Envy his sophisticated ale palette!

[Beerness envy?]

Rant of the Year?

[Rant of the Beer?]

Threatening to burn their houses down? It seems like this thread should be locked AND deleted.

[OK, now wait for the comeback. . . .]

It will be..... in 24 business hours.

[Burn!]

William Pitt - my hero of the day *sigh*

[The sought-after effect.]

I'm getting tired of your constant self-promotion and chest-beating on this board. . . .

[Correction: This time Will offered to beat his FACE.]

"deflower your chicadee" ???? ok, burn the guy's house to the ground if you must but i see no reason for avian abuse.

[LEAVE BIRDY ALONE!!!]

please video the chickadee bit. Inquiring minds want to know.

[benburch checks in.]

Holy sh*t, can someone please get WP some Tylenol?

[Tylenol the Bouncer.]

I do not believe this. What maniacs recommended this insane screed?

[Your fellow DUmmies.]

I know very well who the OP is. Which is why I'm not a member of his fawning fan club.

[The Will Pitt Fawning Fan Club is trying to get its membership back up, but this DUmmie ain't joinin'.]

Pitt, when you're on a bender like this I'd put nothing past you. I'm surprised you haven't started in with "sh*tdogs, f*ckwits and cretins" yet. Or have you forgotten about that?

[That was EARLY Peeved Sniper Pitt.]

When can we expect your "backstory" and apology of sorts?

[Cue "Self-Recanted Evening."]

Are you off your meds? Or drunk?

[He's William Pitt the Drunker.]

Hey, I post stupid shit when I'm drunk too, but d*mn. I think it's time to find a meeting.

[The only meeting Will wants to find is the Will Pitt Fawning Fan Club.]

Ahhh...the warm zephyrs of a Will Pitt Rant... Wafting over this forum.

[Like the breeze coming in off a landfill. . . .]

YOU SPEAK MY LANGUAGE, WILL PITT!!!!!!

[YOU MAKE MY CAPS LOCK!!!!!!]

I'd say about three sentences into your "discussion" you stopped posting and started performing.

[I'd say first sentence.]

if there's anything more laughable than the bad writing it's the part about physical violence. If you've ever seen the guy behind those words, you know how funny it is.

[Are you implying Wee Willie could not back it up?! Have you SEEN him with a black cowboy hat on?!]

That was smoking hot stuff Will!! I think I love you.

[DUmmie shaniqua6392 loves it when Will talks tough.]

Sounds like you got your angry back.

[Last year Will had famously lost his Angry.]

William Rivers Pitt: an Oscar Wilde for this modern-day America!!!

[Will's Gone Wilde!]

[PJ-Comix]

If I see another poster in this godforsaken testical-kick of a forum say they hope the GOP wins the White House in November, I will personally burn your f*cking house down, drive your car into the nearest available bridge strut, ruin your credit, deflower your chicadee, manhandle your couch cushions after eating lye with my bare hands, and make you watch while I sit down in the charred wasteland of your former livingroom and punch myself in the face over and over and over and over and over again, until the chicadee throws in the towel or until you pee your pants and promise never to do it again.

It sounds like the Pittster is plagiarizing a similar threat that Alec Baldwin made towards Henry Hyde about 10 years ago.

[PJ-Comix]

Actually, the part I want to see is where Pugilist Pitt punches himself in the face over and over and over and over and over again.

Actually, I saw this happen years ago at the Indy 500 (before Tony George ruined it). It was on the Saturday night before the race. Some drunk (actually EVERYBODY is drunk the night before the big race) tried to pay for a sandwich and discovered he had lost his wallet. He got so angry at himself that he kept punching himself over and over again. Did some serious damage including bruises and bleeding.

[Paul Heinzman]

Yes, sir, I am. My hope is to someday visit Bukowski's and observe Pitt in his natural habitat. I'm sure he's one of those characters who walks into a bar with that air of self-importance that just screams out OK, everybody I'm here now, and then sits and talks just a little too loudly to whatever poor soul happens to be occupying the barstool next to his.

In his mind, he's Norm Peterson. In reality, he's Cliff Claven.

[Paul Heinzman]

Did we ever find out if he went through with wearing that getup when he went down to Texas. Cause if he did, boy howdy, I’ll give him credit for guts.

[Paul Heinzman]

It sounds like the Pittster is plagiarizing a similar threat that Alec Baldwin made towards Henry Hyde about 10 years ago.

Sounds like something Alec Baldwin would say to his daughter, too.

[Paul Heinzman]

Some of the DUmmies posts are actually pretty funny.

They were. Have you noticed ever since the May 12 non-indictment and subsequent non-apology that, while Pitt himself remains immune to tombstoning, he is fair game for other DUmmies (even the ones with fewer than 1000 posts)?

[Charles Henrickson]

wearing that getup when he went down to Texas.

Continuing our Pitt songfest . . .

MAKE ME KNOWN, COUNTRY ROAD
Tune: "Take Me Home, Country Roads"

Almost hades, Crawford Texas
Bush Ranch protest, Sheehan doin' talk shows
Press is out there, underneath the tree
Lookin' for some talkers, might as well be me

Country road, make me known
To the place I belong
Guest opinion, TV pundit
Make me known, country road

All my DUmmies rally round me
Mindless, lazy, looking for a leader
Read my bloggings, written on the fly
Boring waste of bandwidth, glazing of the eye

Country road, make me known
To the place I belong
Guest opinion, TV pundit
Make me known, country road

I wear a hat, in the mirror I see Eastwood
The ladies on DU think I'm hot when I pose
But sweatin' in the sun I get the feelin'
That I should have worn some lighter clothes, lighter clothes

Country road, make me known
To the place I belong
Guest opinion, TV pundit
Make me known, country road
Make me known, country road
Make me known, country road . . .

[Paul Heinzman]

But. I. Swear. To. God.

[I. Am. So. Sick. Of. This. Tired. Period. Thingie.]

Holy sh*t, can someone please get WP some Tylenol?

Midol would be more like it.

Midol will make his periods milder, but not less frequent. They also don't help with the bitchy.

[Charles Henrickson]

You win today's Creative Connection of Two Unrelated Comments Award®.

[denydenydeny]

William Pitt the Drunker.

LOL.

[Right_Wing_Madman]

please video the chickadee bit. Inquiring minds want to know.

[benburch checks in.]

Charles, benburch may indeed be posting on DU under a different name. He was TS'ed from the asylum back in 2006.

I googled "benburch" and found that he had over a thousand posts at DUmmieland - most of them ridiculous. Here's a sample:

Any other "Swingers" on DU?
DU - Aug 27 05

There is still a thriving prostitution scene, but not with minors, and it is no longer inexpensive.
DU - Jun 27 06

Do you tape olympic figure skating?
DU - Jan 13 06

The kits make you dirnk lots of water. That is the only part of the kit (other than the urine coloring capsule) that is worthwhile.
DU - May 23 06

Personally, I think 24/7 roleplay BDSM is tedious, but that's just me.
DU - Feb 20 06

You know what Beloit is, don't you? The sound a nickel makes when you drop it into the toilet!
DU - Jul 7 06

I run a slightly famous mailing list called WhoreNet for sexworkers
DU - Aug 27 05

Rush had penis balm in somebody else's name because he didn't want it to be known that he was having sex with ANYBODY.
DU - Jun 28 06

Many of the condoms we use here in America are made there. Their quality is second to none.
DU - Jun 27 06

And my friend, Mistress Susanne D'Arcy? She's a model of Patriarchy too? I'll be sure to tell her.
DU - Feb 20 06

I'll wear a kilt...And leave a steaming reminder of my love for the GOP there.
DU - Sep 3 05

This was actually a funny response when Will Pitt threatened to leave DU his fourth or fifth time:

Don't go, Will. Because if you do, they will all flame MEEEEE!
DU - May 1 06

"Golden Age" (Though about 1983) porn films rarely had women who shaved their genitals. It was considered fetishistic, and where it existed in films it involved an eroticized "shaving scene".
DU - Feb 20 06

Prison rape happens in every sort of jail including county lock-ups where prisoners awaiting trial are housed.
DU - Feb 20 06

I do love soap and hot water...
DU - Feb 20 06

By July 2006, Skinner finally had enough and banned him from DU. Ben Burch has since been posting on Democratic Warrior:

Well, I guess DU doesn't want me around. Because I was TSed without warning just now...DU used to be an amazing web board, but it has changed to the point where I hardly comprehend it any more.
DW - Aug 1 06

With the exception of Traci Lords and Alexandra Quinn, I know of NO underage women who have worked in adult commercial pornography in the USA.
DW - Aug 4 06

We interrupt for a public cervix announcement.
DW - Aug 2 06

We porn lovers have to stick together... Well, we'll get sticky anyway, and its more fun in company.
DW - Aug 4 06

We don't have a spanking emoticon
DW - Aug 24 06

And finally, this Ben Burch's response to a thread titled "BenBurch is pissing on the Freepers!"

I'd shit on them too, if I could. And I have some intestinal distress today too, so it would be a real mess!
DW - Jun 16 06

[Paul Heinzman]

we can pretty much survive your masturbatory self-righteous abstinence. . . .

Pitt knows masturbatory (from necessity).
Pitt knows self-righteousness (from Raven).
Pitt don't know abstinence (from being too drunk to use a dictionary).

[mikrofon]

I'm getting tired of your constant self-promotion and chest-beating on this board

(S)Will is just ticked that he hasn't gotten picked up by one of the campaigns, as thinks he deserves:

[dirtbiker]

“punch myself in the face over and over and over and over and over again” ...

May I volunteer to do the honors for you, Seenyor Pitt?

No charge....

[Paul Heinzman]

Charles, I know this is your bailiwick, but I couldn’t resist a parody of one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite groups: It’s “Burning Down the House” by the Talking Heads, and here goes:

Watch out; Will Pit is in a lather
DUmb baby; McCain is not Dan Rather
I’m in Dum-mie Un-der-ground
Burning down your house

I’m tight; Read me on your computer
I’m tight; I really should be neutered
An-dy’s luck-y he was gay
Burning down your house

Where’s your cushions where’s your lye; time for bes-ti-al-ity
Chickadees are cute
Drunk enough but not too drunk, DUmmie my career is sunk
Fire ants in my pants

All wet hey you might pee your pants
Shakedown mess-ing up your sofa
But. I. Swear. To. God.
Burning down your house

Lather rinse repeat myself sometimes I flagelate myself
Gonna come in first place
People on their way to work say USA! USA!
Gonna post this here flame

My house is close to Bukowski’s
That’s right Don’t want to hurt nobody
Twelve beers sure can sweep me off my feet
Burning down your house

No visible means of support and you have not seen nothing yet
Everything’s stuck together
I don’t know what you expect staring into the DU set
Fire ants in my pants

Burning down your house

[beckysueb]

Egg-cellent!

[beckysueb]

He must have got that hat in a goodwill store somewhere.

[beckysueb]

I noticed that. They took some potshots at him that are pretty funny. How the mighty has fallen.

[Deetes]

” If I see another poster in this godforsaken testical-kick of a forum say they hope the GOP wins the White House in November, I will personally burn your f*cking house down, drive your car into the nearest available bridge strut, ruin your credit, deflower your chicadee, manhandle your couch cushions after eating lye with my bare hands, and make you watch while I sit down in the charred wasteland of your former livingroom and punch myself in the face over and over and over and over and over again, until the chicadee throws in the towel or until you pee your pants and promise never to do it again. “

Animal , at least use a spoon !!!!

[alarm rider]

God, Pitt is such a drama queen. If Pitt were able to be shamed, he ought to be ashamed of himself. What a lot of silly girly-man screed.