The Story of Buzz

vanity | 11/22/07 | Vanity

[Lokibob]

The Story of Buzz

I was sitting in the local saloon, middle of summer, having a cold brew when I first ran into Buzz.

The bartender had a fly swatter, chasing the hordes of flies away from the brew he was serving.

Since I live in horse and cow country, flies can be a big problem around here.

My neighbor, the Bishop, once got some chicken droppings and spread them over his lawn as fertilizer. That was a miserable summer in our neighborhood.

I armed my 7 year old son with a fly swatter, and told him that I would give him 5 cents for each fly carcass he brought to me. He was killing the flies at the rate of about $1 an hour, then, all of a sudden, he came to me with 100 fly bodies. I paid him his 5 bucks and he was happy.

Another hour passed and he came to me with 300 dead flies. I noticed that some of the flies were kind of dried. I asked him where he killed them. His response, “Our basement windows had a lot, then I went over to Tinas, and got some out of their basement windows, too”. Turns out he was subcontracting the fly bounty hunting, paying other kids in the neighborhood 25 cents per hundred.

At the saloon, the bartender started swatting the flies on the ceiling. Of course, flies are not dumb. If they are going to make a crash landing, a water landing is preferred. So they would home in on my glass of bubbly. Sitting there at the bar, with my hands on top of my glass, I watched the world of fly combat.

Buzz landed on the bar and started stalking my glass of beer. As he approached, I slowly moved my hands to either side of him. At the appropriate time, I struck. My hands were cupped, and Buzz survived the initial clap inside the cupped hands, but his brain was scrambled. He could not fly.

Noticing that Buzz was staggering around the bar like the rest of the customers in the saloon, I started playing with him.

I put him on my finger and saw that he walked to the highest point, my finger.

So, I called the bartender over, and told him I had trained one of the flies.

“Sure” he says.

“Bet you a beer I can make Buzz (by now I had named him) do what I tell him to do”

“You are on“.

I had Buzz on my index finger, so I said to him “Buzz, move to my thumb” as I slowly lowered my finger downward and raised my thumb. Buzz promptly walked up my finger, and over to my thumb and climbed to the top of it.

The bartender and the other drunks were amazed. Buzz sat on top of my thumb for a few seconds, so I said “Buzz, take a bow”

Buzz immediately started grooming himself, and it really did look like he was bowing.

I then had a thought. I said Buzz could count. “Sure” says the bartender.

‘No, watch, I will bet you a round of beers for the house”.

I said to Buzz, “go to my 3rd finger“, and slowly raised my ring finger. Buzz walked to the proper finger. Then I said ‘subtract 2 fingers, and raised my index finger” Buzz strolls over to the index finger. I said “fourth finger, Buzz“, and he takes a walk.

Everybody cheers (now they are all getting a free beer).

The bartender say that he has a trick for Buzz. I say Ok and he asks me to set Buzz down on the bar.

The bartender says “play dead, Buzz”

WHACK goes the fly swatter.

[Lokibob]

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody

[SamAdams76]

I wish you wrote more vanities.

[Lurkina.n.Learnin]

I’m gonna stick around until the 77th reply.