Dave Screwtape Presents: The Liberal Authorized Version of the Bible

Adam's Blog ^ | 03/01/2006 | Adam Graham

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From: Dave Screwtape To: American Liberals

Friends,

You know me as a political consultant, writer and guru, but with the help of our beneficient friend, George Soros, I’ve produced my first ever theological work. Its a modest effort, but a good starting place in a new field: a brand new English version of the Bible.

Now, I know as much about translating Greek and Hebrew as Mike Brown does about running FEMA, so I’ve taken the text of the King James Version of the Bible to form my version because of the beauty and elegance of the language, and because it is the most easily accessible version for which I do not have to pay obscene royalties for.

What makes the Liberal Authorized Version different from any other version of the Bible out there? Most try a word for word or approximate translation of the whole Text. We take the philosophy that less is more.

Accordingly, all the geneologies are gone, along with the Pauline Epistles and the Epistles of James, John, and Jude. My reason for this is clear. None of these men obtained doctorates in their field or taught on the subject. Were he around today, Paul might be able to get into teaching one of those Mail Order Bible Colleges, but would Harvard accept him? No, and that’s certain now that Lawerence Summers is gone.

We also eliminated Hebrews (for fear of Zionist influences), and 1 and 2 Peter. I had great concern about these books. As Peter was listed as the 1st pope, I was afraid the Vatican had undo influence on their writing. I also got rid of the book of Revelations. There’s no need for apocalypse or the reign of God on Earth. The Democratic Party will fix things just fine.

I got rid of the book of Acts, because it reads like a Religious Right Wing Propoganda piece. I refuse to believe there were any stonings or arrests. We know that all that persecution stuff is just made up by intolerant bigots.

I also got rid of the Old Testament as it was far too bloody and also contains things like the creation story and the Ten Commandments.

While, the Jesus seminar got rid of 75% of the sayings of Christ and most of his miracles, I’ve gone further than that and eliminated all the miracles of Christ, and 98% of his sayings, leaving a selection of 4 verses that:

1) You can use against Conservatives.

2) You can easily memorize.

3) They’re already tailor made for the appropriate argument.

Most Bibles claim to make it easy to put their words into context, well I make no such claim. Every Liberal Authorized Version of the Bible is 100% context free guaranteed. Below are the scriptures in this beautiful 1,500 page leather bound volume:

Judge not, that ye be not judged. -Matt. 7:1

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone.-John 8:7b

Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s;-Matthew 22:21b

Blessed are the peacemakers-Matthew 5:9a

Yes, in 3 cases, we used only half a verse, but half a verse is all you need to score against Conservatives. Never, will you read anywhere in the Liberal Version, any call to “Repent and Sin No More,” or about Government being a terror to evildoers, or judging righteous judgments. You have a 100% clear slam dunk Bible.

Now, at this point you may wonder why you should spend $15 on my Leather Bound Bible and what the other 1496 pages in the Bible are for.

Well, as any idiot could print up the Liberal Bible based on these scriptures, it becomes necessary to have something special. Now, many Bibles have study aids and maps, but mine has an even better feature. 1496 blank pages.

The idea of printing up a 1 page Bible or a 4 page Bible (with extremely large print) seemed silly, so we printed the full enchilada, leaving most of the pages completely blank.

You can do what you want in the blank pages. You can scrapbook, press flowers, or journal. You can add in things, you think God should have put in the Bible.

We also do have a customization feature, where we’ll print up your Bible to include important liberal documents, such as content from MoveOn.org. We also have a Chairman Dean Special, where we include the book of Job with other New Testament books.

For those of you out there, who truly have no desire to understand Christianity and no respect for it, but want to sound intelligent, this is the Bible for you. If you want to look like a good Christian when visiting churches, whether you are or not, this is the Bible for you. If you hate religion, but would like a Bible to be sworn in on, this is the Bible for you.

Its the Bible every liberal has always wanted. Place your order today.