DUmmie FUnnies 04-26-07 (Pied Piper Pitt Day Essay Contest)

DUmmie FUnnies ^ | April 26, 2007 | PJ-Comix

[PJ-Comix]

I'm the place where celebrity worship goes to die. ---William Rivers Pitt

It is just 24 business hours away from May 12 ---Pied Piper Pitt Day. Yes, I know there are at least a couple of other dates that could qualify as Pied Piper Pitt day such as June 16, the Day When Everything Finally Changed. That was the date in 2005 when William Rivers (Pied Piper) Pitt helped organized a rally in Lafayette Park in Washington, D.C. to protest about something to do with the now totally forgotten Downing Street Memos followed by a non-authorized Congressional hearing that tanked the moment some nutcase witness opened his mouth. Then there was the day in September of that same year when Pitt made a big hoopla of helping organize an anti-war demonstration in D.C. (Disclaimer: Pitt never ever had anything to do with the sponsors of that demonstration, the Communist A.N.S.W.E.R. organization even though they controlled the entire agenda.) Unfortunately, it never made it onto the TV news because hurricane Rita hit Texas that same day. However, the date of May 12 seems to have become strongly associated with Pitt due to his bold claim last May that Karl Rove had already been indicted by Patrick Fitzgerald. It was not only this claim but also the widespread acceptance of it that has entered political lore as one of the biggest but most hilarious blunders of all time. Even Hillary Clinton and the Michigan Democrats cheered the "news" of Rove's indictment when it was announced. Therefore this year and in all subsequent years, May 12 shall be Pied Piper Pitt Day.

I worked for a litle while as the Kucinich Press Secretary during the '04 run, as some of you might recall. Thanks to a variety of outside and internal circumstances, combined with my own utter lack of experience and what has to be called my rank incompetence in a position I had no grounding for, I am pretty sure you can pen me into The Book as the Worst National Campaign Press Secretary In The History Of All Known Universes.

In honor of the first Pied Piper Pitt Day celebration, I hereby announce a Pied Piper Pitt Day Essay Contest. The prize goes to whoever writes the best Pitt parody essay. The deadline for the entries is May 12 and there is a 100,000 word limit on the essays. Entries should be posted either here on the Blog or over on this Free Republic DUFU thread. The winner will receive a DUmmie FUnnies T-Shirt. I had been planning to put out a line of DUmmie FUnnies T-shirts later this summer but I will either up the T-shirt printing date or have a special DUmmie FUnnies shirt embroidered for the essay contest winner.

I have been told a thousand times at least, in the years I have spent reporting on the astonishing and repugnant abuses, lies and failures of the Bush administration, to watch my back. "Be careful," people always tell me. "These people are capable of anything. Stay off small planes, make sure you aren't being followed." A running joke between my mother and me is that she has a "safe room" set up for me in her cabin in the woods, in the event I have to flee because of something I wrote or said.....In case I disappear, remember this. America is an idea, a dream, and that is all. We have borders and armies and citizens and commerce and industry, but all this merely makes us like every other nation on this Earth. What separates us is the idea, the simple idea, that life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are our organizing principles. We can think as we please, speak as we please, write as we please, worship as we please, go where we please. We are protected from the kinds of tyranny that inspired our creation as a nation in the first place.

So how should you prepare for this essay contest? My recommendation is that you carefully study (after drinking several pots of coffee to stay awake) the overlong writings of Pitt as chronicled here in the DUmmie FUnnies. To parody the Pied Piper Pitt style you need to imitate Pitt with his overly wordy, pompous, self-righteous, self-pitying, contradictory, narcissistic, and dull yet with hilarious flashes of unintentional humor rantings. Perhaps the classic Pitt post in this regard was his Hockey Puck geopolitical thesis about the rise of the Third American Empire:

It is difficult to pinpoint exactly when the third American empire came into being, but a hockey game will suffice as a marker. On February 2, 1980, the American Olympic hockey team came from nowhere to defeat the unbeatable Soviet squad in Lake Placid. The subsequent eruption of nationalistic fervor, augmented by the American squad’s victory over Finland in the final round to capture the gold medal, led to an outpouring of public emotion that no sporting event had ever created.....It was at Lake Placid that the now-familiar chant of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” was born. The American people had been well-trained during the second empire to expect being on top, and the years prior to Lake Placid had been hard. Something so simple as a win on that ice was enough to strike sparks again, to ignite the long fuse that has been this third American empire. The American people were mesmerized by the vision of their flag rising next to but just a little higher than the red Soviet banner. It was their first taste of what would become a long and uninterrupted stretch of total global dominance.

Should you not care to spend a lot of time to hunt down Pitt's many writings, then you can access a wealth of Pitt material simply by checking out his partial birth "apology" for perpetuating the May 12 Karl Rove indictment scam at Pied Piper Pitt Performs Endless "Penitence" At DUmmie Canossa. Believe me, there are VOLUMES of endless Pitt material just in that one post. As soon as you think he is done, Pitt opens up with yet more chapters of his self-pitying rant. Here is just one brief excerpt from that endless Pitt post:

I have been here for a long time. I started here exactly like just about everyone else: I staggered in the front door, found a roomful of like-minded people, and said "Oh thank God." I used this place to vent, to unwind, to get unhinged, to get informed, to inform where and when I could, to sharpen my debating skills, to void my bladder on the occasional invading Freep...but at the beginning and the end, I posted here to be with and to plan with and to commiserate with people who saw the same writing on the wall I did..... Somewhere in the last couple of years, I became a name. I worked very hard to make that happen, to be sure. 18 hours a day, 350,000 miles across to and from pretty much every state in the nation...hell, we all started here wanting to do something about what was happening, and I did my small part to take up that call, and in the process managed to become a writer and a speaker that others looked to. I wouldn't be doing *any* of this, probably, if it wasn't for DU. I decided to try to do something, and managed to work myself into a position where I could..... The sticky part came when I forgot that I could no longer be "just another DUer" and couldn't let fly whenever I chose. You know what I mean, because if you've spent any time here, you've done this. Yes, you have. You get angry about the news, the state of things, some Democratic failure to act, and maybe you get a glass of wine into you, and you flame away on the keyboard...and then come back the next day hoping nobody remembers or gives a damn that you were throwing haymakers and acting the fool..... The stickier wicket, aw hell, let's be honest and call it the stickiest wicket, came when I posted the truthout story that Karl Rove had been indicted. Another thread in big block letters..... For clarity: Truthout stands by this story, today as yesterday, as described on the blog page. Period, end of file. I am not speaking for them in any official capacity, because this is a personal thread, but I can read the TO blog as clearly as you can. If you want more than that, consult an astrologist, or talk to someone besides me. Read the first sentence of this paragraph again if further clarity is required on the basic premise.

The key to winning the Pied Piper Pitt Day Essay Contest is to put yourself into the mind of Pitt. The best way to do this is to not sleep for several days, consume several pitchers of beer, and then make your post entry at about three in the morning when you are in a very bad and/or morose mood. And just as musicians and singers briefly tune up their instruments or voices before making their performances, feel free to post just a few sentences of Pittiana here before your final entries. Oh, and one of your mericifully brief practice posts might actually be a winner since there is no limit on the number of entries you can make. However, due to space and time requirements I am going to have to be firm on the 100,000 word limit. Difficult as it may be when doing a Pitt parody, please confine your entries to that length limitation. So stand up next to a mountain and start posting your entries for the Pied Piper Pitt Day Essay Contest!

I am about to crack 30,000 posts. I've been here since May of 2001. I have gone through a hundred evolutions in that time, regarding candidates, priorities, beliefs, hopes, fears, personal issues - had a marriage blow up on me while I was here, and the agony of that lasted more than a year - etc..... Look. I'm just another activist who happens to write well enough to get a message through. At some point I crossed a terminator and became a 'personality' here, and out there. For a long, long time, I fought it. I just wanted to post like any other DUer, to vent my spleen like anyone else and to be obnoxious like anyone else and to be contradictory like anyone else. This place was myIn the last year I have forced myself to understand that I can't do that anymore, and believe me, it has been hard. When I came here, I was NOBODY, just another poster needing help and support. Sometimes I fail at it these days, but not nearly as much. You are right to say that I have been an ass here on many occasions, but a lot of people here are asses on many occasions, yourself included. I didn't want to deal with the added burden. I hope that makes sense. security blanket, where I could freak out (!!!!111) and enjoy the catharsis.....

And one final tip when writing your entries. Please keep in mind that Pied Piper Pitt is always auditioning himself, whether for acclaim from his fellow DUmmies or for some candidate for whom he desperately wants to be a player. So if you add that ulterior motive to the equation, it will definitely help in writing that winning entry. And don't forget--- You must keep your entries to less than 100,000 words.

[PJ-Comix]

Hey. Since you’re in warehouse management, I might have an opening if my DUmmie FUnnies T-shirt sales take off.

[kevkrom]

Additional tips for aspiring entrants:

1. Keep a thesaurus handy. Being able to use the same idea in a dozen different sentences just by using synonyms is a great way to pad the word count.

2. No matter how small or insignificant the event, it is always best to frame it as if it is the nexus for all branches of the future.

3. Nevertheless, it should also eventually come around to self-aggrandizement, even if such ego trip is masked in apparently self-deprecating humor. (E.g., the "worst press secretary" line... still points out that Pitt was a Press Sec. [and you weren't], and revels in his "access" to people adored by the moonbats.)

4. Profanity is optional, unless you're going for the "drunken rant" sub-category, in which f***ing case, it's f***ing required.

5. Any criticism of your essay (especially anticipated criticism that you preemptively deal with within the essay) should be met with scorn, derision, and personal attacks. The more true and accurate the criticism, the more obnoxious the personal attack should be.

[Eagle of Liberty]

Actually I was the one who labeled him the Pied Piper because it seems he was always playing a tune leading the DUmmie rats over the cliff.

VERY fitting label.

[LonePalm]

Pitt needs to have another DUmb & Coke.

Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)

[KentTrappedInLiberalSeattle]

The key to winning the Pied Piper Pitt Day Essay Contest is to put yourself into the mind of Pitt.

... but... but... what if I don' wanna molest small, defenseless young schoolgirls, dammit -- ?!?

[steve-b]

The key to winning the Pied Piper Pitt Day Essay Contest is to put yourself into the mind of Pitt. The best way to do this is to not sleep for several days

...and wait for the Inca monkey god to dictate a Pitt essay. Then, all you need to do is translate it from his simple but beautiful language.

(With apologies to Scott Adams)

[steve-b]

Remember that one word reply by General McAuliff to the Germans when asked to surrender at the Battle of the Bulge: "Nuts!" Just imagine what and for how long Pitt would make the same reply.

Pitt's reply would be effective in and of itself, in much the same way as this example.

[kevkrom]

Order of the Stick rocks!

[Charles Henrickson]

Oh, PJ. Trying to capture the magic that is Pitt, the length and breadth and heighth and width of Pittiana in its many manifestations over the long and tumultuous history of DUmmieland, as chronicled here in the DUmmie FUnnies, to imbibe the essence of Pitt deep into one’s soul, so that the “I” key on one’s keyboard is worn down like the dancepad in Wee Willie’s lonely garret, and to call that forth here on this singular thread, much less into a single post of however many thousands of words, which, ironically, may mean writing only one or two typically Pittian sentences, this is a task of such breathtaking stupendidity that it would take the breath of away of any lesser poster other than someone as talented as I.

[PJ-Comix]

I’ll take that as an essay contest entry. Remember no limitations on the number of entries.

[PJ-Comix]

You can also do an entry as if Pitt is ordering ice cream. The reason that comes to mind is a friend of mine used to drive me NUTS with his complete indeciveness. Once he tried to order ice cream and went into an overlong analysis of the various flavors and then just when I thought he made a decision, reversed himself and then went on a long discourse on the other flavors. The kid at the ice cream shop was still waiting patiently for him to FINALLY make his order after about 5 minutes of this. He probably went on for a lot longer but I walked out since I couldn’t take it any longer.

[steveegg]

I don’t know if I can get that drunk and stupid.

[Charles Henrickson]

Remember no limitations on the number of entries.

I may take you up on that and, as time allows, get to work on my MAGNUM OPITT, so that it's done by May 12 . . .

THE DAY WHEN EVERYONE FINALLY STOOD UP NEXT TO A PITT!

[Charles Henrickson]

EVERYBODY'S TALKIN' 'BOUT ME
Tune: "Everybody's Talkin' at Me"
By Will "Midnight Cowboy" Pitt

Everybody's talkin' 'bout me
I don't hear a word they're sayin'
Only the hands held on my ears

People mock and laughin'
I can't see their faces
'Specially in case I disappear

I'm goin' where I stand with Sheehan
In a roadside ditch
Goin' where the weather suits my clothes

Headin' off to my happy place
Even if in my mind
And skippin' over the dancepad in my home

[Toadman]

Here's a start:

I I I I Me Me Me Me, because of ME, thanks to ME, I I I I, forbearance of ME, Me Me Me, not you, Me, I I, Me, Myself...

Shoot. Only 969,999 to go. Guess I'll have to use 'copy and paste.'

[cdcdawg]

Just to get clarity on the rules, is Pitt, himself, an involuntary entrant to the contest? This would mean we would have to out-Pitt Pitt. If so, it will be impossible to stay within the 100,000 word limit. It may also require longer than the period of time left to sufficiently pickle my brain. What amazes me is that Pitt can consume so much beer, and yet create these mammouth posts. You would think frequent breaks to pee would slow him down. I guess that is where he separates himself from mere mortals.

[Charles Henrickson]

Ty the Bouncer. . . .

BOUNCER FROM NEW ORLEANS
Tune: "City of New Orleans"

Writing 'bout a bouncer from New Orleans,
Plenty of Pitt--ain't no one I love more!
Pass the made-up facts in with the twaddle,
Full of Will's rambling speech galore.

Mid the grunts of barroom bouncers
And the sounds from here in Cheers,
Still my brilliance echoes through the rooms!
DUmmies with their minds asleep
Are buying all the crap I sweep--
This yarn's got the scent of certain barnyard fumes!

Good making DUmmieland my barroom!
Don't you know me, I'm so full of it!
I'm the guy who uses bouncers from New Orleans,
I'll be gone five hundred lines 'cause I'm Willie Pitt!

[Charles Henrickson]

imitate Pitt with his overly wordy, pompous, self-righteous, self-pitying, contradictory. . . .

SELF-RECANTED EVENING
Tune: "Some Enchanted Evening"

Self-recanted evening,
When you see the flip-flops,
You may see where Pitt stops
Across the DUmmieland.
And somehow you know,
You know even then,
That sometime you'll see him
Recant once again.

Self-aggrandized weaving,
Bloviating windbag,
Going where the wind blows,
Not knowing where to stand.
He'll write to the left--
That's left to go right--
Will's so busy dancing,
He can't sleep at night.

Who can explain Pitt?
Who can tell you why?
Will gives two versions,
Neither one can fly.

Some fantastic FReeping!
Someone may be laughing,
You may hear the laughing
Among the DUFU fans.
And night after night,
When we go to bed,
That sound is our laughter--
Will Pitt's in our thread!

Once we have DUFUed
Will Pitt's swing and miss,
Then he'll discover
He can't recant this!

[Charles Henrickson]

imitate Pitt with his overly wordy, pompous, self-righteous, self-pitying, contradictory, narcissistic. . . .

MAKE ME KNOWN, COUNTRY ROAD
Tune: "Take Me Home, Country Roads"

Almost hades, Crawford Texas
Bush Ranch protest, Sheehan doin' talk shows
Press is out there, underneath the tree
Lookin' for some talkers, might as well be me

Country road, make me known
To the place I belong
Guest opinion, TV pundit
Make me known, country road

All my DUmmies rally round me
Mindless, lazy, looking for a leader
Read my bloggings, written on the fly
Boring waste of bandwidth, glazing of the eye

Country road, make me known
To the place I belong
Guest opinion, TV pundit
Make me known, country road

I wear a hat, in the mirror I see Eastwood
The ladies on DU think I'm hot when I pose
But sweatin' in the sun I get the feelin'
That I should have worn some lighter clothes, lighter clothes

Country road, make me known
To the place I belong
Guest opinion, TV pundit
Make me known, country road
Make me known, country road
Make me known, country road . . .

And the sequel . . .

MAKE ME KNOWN, RANDI RHODES
Tune: "Take Me Home, Country Roads"

Almost radio, Air America
On with Randi, chance to go on with her
I can talk there, talkin' to my peeps
Wow them with my brilliance, put them all to sleep

Randi Rhodes, make me known
To the place I belong
Air America, my own talk show
Make me known, Randi Rhodes

Almost seven list'ners call in
Loyal DUmmies, stranger than your neighbors
Now they hear me, magic on the mike
Rabid barkin' moonbats, just the kind I like

Randi Rhodes, make me known
To the place I belong
Air America, my own talk show
Make me known, Randi Rhodes

They hear my voice, on the phone lines they all call me
The radio reminds me that my foll'wing is big
And sittin' at the mike I get the feelin'
That I should have my own high-paid gig, high-paid gig

Randi Rhodes, make me known
To the place I belong
Air America, my own talk show
Make me known, Randi Rhodes
Make me known, Randi Rhodes
Make me known, Randi Rhodes. . .

[steve-b]

"But I'm the magic man." --Will Pitt

Magic Man, Magic Man
Does whatever a DUmmie can
Spins a yarn, any size
Catches DUpes with his lies
Truth Out! Here comes the Magic Man

Is he DUmb? Listen, bud
Hoaxmas fell on him with a thud
Can he flame at his foes?
Read it on Daily Kos
Truth Out! Here comes the Magic Man!

In the Pitt of night
Booze goes straight to his head
Looking for a fight
He tells Skinner "drop dead"!

Magic Man, Magic Man
Friendly neighborhood Magic Man
To him, life is all freudenschade
Wherever there's bulldada
You'll find the Magic Man!