Posted on 08/25/2006 12:19:40 PM PDT by Lokibob
Security to the Max
I had to go to the Tooele Army Depot to get a new ID card. My friend, the Bishop graciously volunteered to drive me (I don’t drive due to an eye problem).
We go in the unmanned gate and go down the road a little way, only to face a maze of concrete barriers. Arrows pointing this way and that way, saying “Trucks to right, cars to left” and a bunch of stop signs.
The Bishop stops at a stop sign, turns off his pickup truck engine, jumps out and starts looking under his seat. At this point, we are about 50 feet in front of a security checkpoint. I ask the Bishop what in hell he was doing. He said “I’m getting out my wallet so they can check my drivers license”. Believe me, the guards on the gate noticed that he was rummaging under his seat. They were not very happy. I looked out the front window, and one of the guards had an M-16 pointed directly at us.
The guard at the gate tells the person ahead of us to go on, and signaled us to move up to the guard shack.
The Bishop pulls ahead while the guard with the M-16 , keeping his eye on us, slowly walks backward to the shack.
The guard at the shack asks us for ID, which we provide. Mr. M-16 still hasn’t flinched. Asked why we were there, I answered that I needed a new ID card. The guard questioned why we didn’t have the vehicle registered on base. We responded with “well, we do not work here” I hear the click of a round being chambered into the M-16.
The guard points to a building behind us and asks if we saw the arrow that said “unregistered vehicles”? I said “ARROW?? Hell, we didn’t even see the Indians”. CLICK, and guard #3 off to the right takes a bead at my head.
The gate guard says” make a u-turn and go back to visitor registration”. The Bishop says “I can’t make a ewe turn, but I can make her blink her eyes”. CLICK, as another guard appears behind us.
We turn around and go to the visitors pass section. We walk inside, fill out forms, and ran into a snag. The Bishop couldn’t find his insurance card, so he had to call his insurance broker to have one faxed over.
Meanwhile….
I had already received my visitors badge so I decide to go outside to have a cigarette. I get my butts out of the truck and light up. Enjoying my cigarette, up pulls a police pickup, lights flashing, and 3 police in the truck. CLICK, CLICK, M-16 again.
They wanted to know why I was loitering around the visitors ID section. I explained the no-smoking policy in government buildings, and asked where I was supposed to smoke. They told me in no uncertain terms what I could do with my cigarette.
Out walks the Bishop, laughing, because he had been able to tell his terrorist joke to the clerk behind the counter.
Back to the gate, the guard looks at my ID and says “you are a lot heavier than the 200 pounds it says on your drivers license” I couldn’t help it folks, I HAD to say “I’ve been eating well since I crawled under the fence in Juarez”. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK.
You know, when you are face down on the hood of a pickup truck, your perspective of what is funny really changes.
At any rate, we got through the gate ok, not by anything we did.
We proceed to the building we needed , and found the doors locked. Picking up the security phone outside the door, we go buzzed into the building and accomplished our business.
We had to go thru the same check point leaving as when we came in. We handed our badges to the guard, and told him that the depot was a wonderful place to visit.
Remember, it is humor, no flames!!!
LOL, I suppose when you're boarding an airplane and you see your friend John is on the same flight, you yell "Hi, Jack!"
I, too, have had an M-16 pointed at me... and heard the CLICK of the safety being removed... quite unnerving.
I was trying to get into a secure area on a base with my badge and for the life of me I couldn't remember the security code to punch in... little did I know that after three unsuccessful attempts at punching in the security code, I would be visited by two nice young airmen with big weapons and ordered to lay face down on the ground.
Needless to say, I made sure I remembered the security code from that time forward.
BTW, after 3 unsuccessful attempts, you can not call them and say "whoops, my bad".
They don't know (nor do they care) if you are being held under duress. All they want at that point is get you down on the ground and look thru your wallet.
Come to think of it, I had a wife like that.
Suffice it to say, one should NEVER attempt to joke with the security guys.
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