It Depends on the Definition of "Need" (Are men attracted to needy women?)

Yahoo discussion group ^ | 6-30-06 | Dear Margo Column

[Enterprise]

"?DEAR MARGO: I am a 38-year-old successful female who is emotionally and financially secure. I have been told that I am very attractive and intimidate men. I would like to get married but am thought to be too independent"

[WolfRunnerWoman]

"Are men attracted to needy women?"


Some undoubtedly are. Those are the ones that need to be thrown back. They are "needy" too. They need to marry someone that is a black hole of need so that they can bitch about it, be martyrs and have an excuse to schtupp their secretaries.

[marajade]

Just looking for some frame of reference to draw from.

[marajade]

Right on.

[Enterprise]

Take a letter Maria.

[Enterprise]

"Just looking for some frame of reference to draw from."

Frame someone else copper, I'm clean on this one.

[Perdogg]

[Enterprise]

I'm having a HARD time deciding if she needs anything at all!

[marajade]

Definitely afraid.

[bray]

A man needs a Femichick like a Bicycle needs a Fish!

Pray for W and Our Freedom Fighters

[SauronOfMordor]

There seems to be some truth to "Men marry down, women marry up." She's not likely to marry "down" because she thinks her own snooty crowd will make fun of her. If she wants a man, all she needs to do is go get one. But she can't rid herself from her own image of "success." She's trapped, she doomed, and her biological clock is ringing so loud it's keeping the neighbors awake.

It's not that "men marry down" as much as men have different search criteria. Men look for a woman who is

• reasonably pretty
• has a compatible (high) libido
• is generally cheerful and fun to be with
• is intelligent enough to be worth talking to

For most of the guys I know, if she fulfills the above, then her earnings and social status are secondary. It's easy for a high-earning man to find a girl that meets the above criteria

Many women place a high value on "somebody with high enough status that my circle of friends will be envious". A lot of women see their status being determined by the status of the guy they're going out with. For high-earning professional women, the pool of available guys that meet the "status" criteria is small. The pool of guys who don't have better options is even smaller

[Perdogg]

I cannot figure why people make finding someone so difficult on someone else.


I think here in DC metro area, women make it especially hard for men to meet someone.

[marajade]

"I cannot figure why people make finding someone so difficult on someone else."

Most normal women can't meet the standard of looks you all have set up for us in judging the pictures you've posted in this thread.

I've had a number of men tell me I'm pretty and my husband wasn't the first offer of marriage I accepted either.

But when all you read in the thread is how men only want pretty women and that's their only criteria what do you really expect?

[dakine]

Rind on or off?

[marajade]

?

[HairOfTheDog]

"Are men attracted to needy women?" Some undoubtedly are. Those are the ones that need to be thrown back. They are "needy" too. They need to marry someone that is a black hole of need so that they can bitch about it, be martyrs and have an excuse to schtupp their secretaries.

LOL - Excellent post :~D

[Perdogg]

I agree that the perception of the typical woman that I or any other man expects to meet and date and possibly marry is extraordinarily high. However, in reality, which no one here here has privy to, I think most of the women that I have pursued since living here are by no means would be considered the "playmate" type. Yes, men have fantasy women (as well as women - fantasy men), but I personally have never soley judged some one on the basis of looks.
since I spend a good deal of time at the gym, I do prefer a woman who is fit.

[marajade]

When I go to the gym I go to workout and sweat and wear glasses and wear workout clothes. The gym would be the last place, at least for me, to think about the ideal place to meet someone.

[HitmanLV]

I have been told that I am very attractive and intimidate men. I would like to get married but am thought to be too independent.

I hear this line a lot. For all the talk of strong self esteem and independence our culture is fixated on, there really are a lot of fragile egos out there. One of the popular gimmicks I see out there is the 'frame a positive as a negative in a shallow attempt to appear introspective.'

Here, she basically tells us that she is consistently rejected by men because of good things. She is 'very attractive' and independent, but for some reason, these positive traits alienate (or 'intimidate') men.

It's far more likely that she is being consistently rejected on substantive reasons: she doesn't have the qualities men in her life care for. All that means is she has to get new men in her life, that's all. If they all reject her, it's more likely than not that she is being rejected for legitimate reasons (she is an unappealing companion) than for shallow ones, or being rejected for her strengths (good looks, independence, etc.).

She doesn't have what men in her life are buying. If she was genuinely intelligent, she would adjust. Instead, circumstantial evidence suggests she hasn't adjusted her approach as she reaches her 38th year. If something doesn't work, don't stick with it! Change! She either hasn't changed meaningfully or has changed in a poor direction.

Odds are people tend to be rejected for substantive reasons, not for their supposed strengths or good qualities. Sometimes people go to great lengths to believe a self serving 'limitation' rather than clearly evaluate things and actually change.

If the woman in the letter is for real, she will keep having the same problem until she adjusts. The adjustments may just be minor, but she has to make them to make positive change.

[marajade]

Its rare to find a man who really wants a truly independent woman. That kind of a man has to equally if not more strong in character.

They're becoming a rare breed in today's society.

[HitmanLV]

She's thirty-eight and wants to get married and have a family?

It's difficult for her at that age. I'm 38 and don't even consider dating women my age, they are just too old for my taste. I tend to prefer women in their mid to late 20s.

I know a lot of women in their mid-late 30s who are very goodlooking but have a hard time getting first and second dates. This is not surprising to me, but it's pretty shocking to them. The kind of man they want (someone close to their age, successful, masculine) tends to want to be with younger and more fit versions of them. I feel the same way.