Definition of a liberal

See this before, but it's worth another go. Mentioned these on the radio show.

A conservative takes pride in what he has done in life; a liberal takes pride in what life has done to him.

My favorite definition of a liberal: One who bites the hand which feeds it while licking the boot which kicks it.

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

Honest to God, I worked with a guy who tried to turn that very argument into an attack on pro-life conservatives. He said something to the effect that "they [conservatives]won't support abortion, but they'll get them at the other end with the death penalty."

When I pointed out that he was basically arguing criminal behavior was genetic and not learned, and/or he was saying blacks and Hispanics (the most common abortion demographics) were predisposed to criminal behavior, he got red in the face and stormed off (liberals do so *hate* to have their bigotry exposed :).

LOL, very good! Want to have more fun? Ask a PETA moron at a protest how it feels about abortion.

I like those! They're good.

I wrote up a similar list last year and sent it to our local paper in response to a barfish letter to the editor that contained a long list of high-minded, lofty traits that the writer claimed differentiated liberals from unnamed other political persuasions. (Well, now, I wonder who that would be?) Here's my letter. Hope you enjoy it.

The letter "You might be a Liberal if...." (7/12) differentiates between Liberals and Conservatives. For example: Liberals (as opposed to Conservatives) show compassion to pets, the elderly, the disadvantaged, etc.

What fun! Can I play too? Here are my additions to the list of differentiators:

If it's obvious that the 10 or 15% of Americans who agree with you on some political issue are "mainstream" and the 70 to 80% who disagree with you are "dangerous extremists," you could be a Liberal.
If you realize that democracy isn't all it's cracked up to be, because political power is far too important to be left to hordes of Redstate Redneck Trailertrash Voters, and should be wrested from them and placed in the hands of Bluestate Blueblooded unelected-for-life elitist judges, you might be a Liberal.
If the single fact that the mainstream media is "owned by corporations" constitutes sufficient proof for you that the news is hopelessly biased against Liberals and in favor of Conservatives, you could be a Liberal.
If you believe as Michael Moore does that the best choice for portraying life in Iraq under Saddam is footage of children flying kites with their daddies in a park, then you might be a Liberal.
If you formerly were a big supporter of unfettered free speech, but now, after witnessing the effects of talk radio and internet bloggers, you feel it's high time to forge a few fetters, you might be a Liberal.
If a story of a family being shattered by Dad leaving Mom for another woman saddens you, but a family being shattered by Dad leaving Mom for another man is obviously a cause for celebration and much deserving of two congratulatory frontpage stories filled with joyous quotes about "being true to oneself" and "coming out" and "no longer living a lie," you very well could be a Liberal. [Note: This happened in our local paper]
If you contemplate the record of a man who raped and sexually assaulted women from Little Rock to Oxford, sexually harrassed countless others, had sex in the Oval Office with women his daughter's age, and hired squads of pitbull lawyers and PI's to trash the reputations of the few victims brave enough to speak out, but you nevertheless decide to label him as "Pro-Woman" because he faithfully vetoed every single restriction on Partial Birth Abortion that Congress sent to his desk for 8 years, then you possibly could be a Liberal.
If you look at a 9-month old baby girl about to be born getting a sharp scissors stuck in the back of her head and her brains sucked out, and, rather than seeing something hideous and barbaric and evil, you instead see rainbows and colored balloons and pink fluffy clouds labeled "CHOICE!" and "LIBERTY!" and "FREEDOM!" and hear choirs of cherubs singing, "Hallelujah! A Woman's Choice has been exercised!!," then you might be a Liberal.
If you are absolutely outraged by civilian deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq, but Clinton's stray bombs in Kosovo, Bosnia, Sudan, Iraq, etc. only elicited a sad shrug from you because everyone knows that Republican bombs are inherently evil while Democrat bombs are well-intentioned, you just might be a Liberal.
If you pay lip service to "Greatest Generation" being applied to those who saved the world from Fascism and Communism, gave blacks civil rights, reached the moon and invented computers, but in your secret heart of hearts you know the True Greatest Generation is the one whose major accomplishments were Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll and The Me Decade, then you possibly are a Liberal.
And finally, if you consider "thinking" to be highly overrated (as opposed to "feeling") when forming your political opinions, you just might be a Liberal.

Definition of a liberal:

A guy who borrows 10 bucks from you, pays you back 5, and says you're even 'cause you're both out 5 bucks.