Title? I Have no Idea What to Call this..

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 Title? I don't have a clue what to call this.... As I sit here tonight, once again unable to sleep for actually the first time in a while - a million thoughts are rushing through my mind. Tomorrow, at 9:00 a.m. Eastern Time,(ughhhhh...it's tomorrow already...) the Home I knew and loved will be sold at auction. No more appeals. Nothing I can do. The end of the rope has finally come and the knot has slipped out.

A few days ago, I wrote about the way I was feeling and how I knew God would get me through this. I know He had plans for me, and this was part of it. I have always believed God is the good that comes from the bad. But nothing can really prepare you for the reality. Nothing can prepare you for that exact moment in time when your entire world changes - and you know there is no turning back.

As I sit here, I wonder if this is what it is like knowing you are dying of cancer. My step-mother passed away in 1997, the year my life took a wrong turn, heading me down this path which will end tomorrow. Rita was barely 40 something, and the kindess, sweetest spirit I had ever known. She was the glue that kept my father with me - when she left - just as when he divorced my mother - he left again, too. That part I have gotten over. But I wonder how she felt mentally when she knew the end was near. I know she was scared. I went to see her everyday on my lunch break, and right after work - as she was in the Hospice Unit next door to my office building. The last time she spoke to me was a Friday night in February, and she told me she loved me. The next morning, as I was getting ready to go back to the hospital, the phone call came.

It's funny how the nurse phrase things when calling to tell you a loved one has died. "Ms. Coleman?" "Yes." "Your step-mother has passed." " What? , Uh...thank you. I'll be right there." Utter silence for several minutes. Soon finding myself unable to breath. I ran up the stairs to my bedroom in the warm Farm house, digging for clothes, then headed to the shower. I could hardly breath through the tears that kept streamiong down my face.

But you know what I was thinking? 'Rita is finally out of pain, no more needles, catheters, poking, prodding - only peace. But....I am going to lose him again.' My father is one of those who should never have been allowed to have children. I got married the next weekend, and so that saga began. But as for Rick, he stuck around in my life, and actually attempted to get to know his grandchildren - until he met the next love of his life. Then he was gone again. Nowadays, when he comes in town, he doesn't bother to call, and has no relationship with the kids at all. My oldest has been so hurt by him he cannot speak his name. But, life does go on.

My mother is another one for the books. She too, should never have been allowed to have children - for as I sit here - dying inside because my home is gone, bankruptcy is imminent, and divorce will more than likely follow - she is angry because I didn't call her on Mother's Day. Sorry, mom. I was attempting to continue breathing in and out - preparing for what seems to be my last day alive.

I do not mean to make light of death. But one thing everyone should think about - situations effect people differently.

Some can move right on, never miss a beat, and continue in routine to find normalcy again. Others, like me, need time to grieve and mourn their losses. Since 1994 I have lost three grandparents, a step-mother, several uncles, my home, my job, my credit, and my faith in my husband. My mother has moved from 4 hours away to almost 18 hours away. My biological father has moved to more than 24 hours away.

On this night before the only safe place I have ever known in this world is taken from me - I feel more like an orphan than I have ever felt.

I understand we all have our crosses to carry. I have been carrying mine since the day I was born. An only child, I spent the majority of my childhood alone, and craved attention. I suppose that is why I married at 17. I wanted love so badly. When I didn't get it from the first time around ( only anger abounded), I went searching for another. No luck there, either. From the frying pan into the fire. Feels more like a Volcano.

I look at my children, and know they truly are all I have in this earthly realm. And soon, they too, will be gone - as that is what children are supposed to do. Grow up with healthy self-esteem, become educated, and leave the nest like a baby bird - flying for the rest of his life. Soimehow - they are healthy, and wise, and loving and caring. I managed to break the cycle. Praise God. 'Mommy Faces' really do work, afterall.

I went to church tonight. There was a meeting for new members - a way for us to become connected and involved with our new Church home. So many different people there. So many walks of life. And I wondered as I listened to everyone introduce themselves - what was the TRUE pain that brought them there? One does not attend a class to become more involved in the Church unless they NEED Christ like they have never needed Him before.

When it came my turn, I wanted so badly to stand up and say, 'well, tomorrow my home is being taken away, I am living with my 'husband' in his mother's house, and I have only the love of Christ and my children to give me strength to live'. Boy - what a room silencer that would have been! Luckily - I am older now, and know when to speak and when not too. I did relate my house is divided, as my husband is not a Christian, and that I know the Lord has brought me to this Church for a reason. His plan is unfolding slowly, and I do wonder what He has in store. Even knowing that, it doesn't keep me from wanting to lament my problems to everyone I see. But I do not. When you are suffering, you are to put on festive clothing and a smile. It is not to be a public specticle. Jesus said so.

If I finally fall alseep tonight - when I awake, I will take my child to school, come back to this house and let the dogs out - and try not to watch the clock. I wonder if anyone will call to see how I am doing? Doubtful. What do you say to someone whose home was taken away due to finacial stupidity and trust which had no foundation? 'Sorry, but you knew better'? ' Sorry, but you should have gotten out a long time ago'? Usually, it is better to just NOT make the call, and wait a few days. Then it goes something like, 'Oh yeah, I forgot. So sorry. How are you?'

Why ask me now when I needed you days ago? Please do not pretend to care, when you only are truly concerned about yourself and the bubble you live in .

I learned something about myself tonight. I am not one of those people. Through the pain and the hurt, and the wanting to swallow my bottle of valium and never wake up - I went to Church, introduced myself, and talked to women whom I had never met about THEIR problems. I spoke about my Fibromyalgia, and assured them - they too, could feel better and fix the depression, the pain, the sickness. Nutrition and Christ - that's the ticket. To look at me, they never guessed my world as I know it is ending tomorrow morning. No more hope, no more rope. Just another dream crushed, set ablaze, and left to smolder in the ashes of my life.

Yes, I do have Christ. But it is okay for me to grieve. And then - as the sermon from Sunday explained - I have to wake up, take stock of what I have left, and move on. What is left? Boxes of memories, pictures in my mind, and a road I will never be able to drive down again.

But stirring in my heart is a plan from Christ. I don't know what is coming, but Him - I know I can trust. I may be an orphan without a home on earth, but I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, knows my pain, and is right here beside me. He will carry me through.

And you know what? If I forget to talk to Him, He won't pout and push me away. He knows I need time. He will only welcome me back, and love me all the more. Amazing what God's love can do.

Now, if He can just wipe my memory clean of the past 20 years, start me from scratch, and take all this pain away - I'll be in business. Dreaming again I know.

Wow - what a testimony I am going to have when I finally have happiness again, and can smile without faking it. That is the day I am praying for. And in the meantime - Stop, Drop, and Praise. That is all I have left, and really, I guess - all I need.

God, I hope you have something really great in store for me - I have fallen from the end of that rope. Just Me.

You guys just continue to amaze me. You have NO IDEA how much easier this day is going due to YOU ALL.

I am so proud to be here, and prouder than I have ever been to call myself a 'FReeper'.

More love here than I have ever known. Thank you. JK

Kimberly, dear heart ... what a priceless treasure the Lord has at work in you ... a beautiful painting of words He has given you that speak of the depths and heights of love and trust and despair. Yours, dear FRiend, will be a blazing testimony of God's faithfulness in the days and years ahead, just as He promised: "When he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Job 23:10.

May it be, Merciful Father, that Kimberly and her beloved family will soon be sheltered in the home of Your choosing ... one so uniquely suited to them ... one that will delight every fiber and facet of their hearts, for it is from Your hand. We praise You even in this time of grieving that is upon them, for through it You make Your Presence so very keenly felt. Give them strength to endure, O God, for broken are their hearts ... give them faith to endure, O God, for You delight to open the windows of blessings ... give them a richness of life in Christ, for great is Your love. In the Name of Jesus, may it be thus ... Amen ...

One more thing I have to say,

And I will close this Weeping Day.

Without the love and caring thoughts,

I now know that I could not

Have ever truly made it through,

Without my FReeper Friends... YOU!!!

May the Lord Bless and Keep all of you closely beside Him. I have NEVER met a finer bunch, and am proud to be counted among the members of this great group that stretches around the world. My Gratitude Forever - Kimberly

May Jesus send you and your family angels of strength, comfort and hugs knowing that He will use you someday, when you find others where you have been. Blessings.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I am slowly recouperating, and waiting patiently for things to sort themselves out. God IS working. I can feel it. Love in Christ, JK

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