Fog...

At 6:30 a.m., on a cool Spring morning, I set out to take my youngest child to school. I say child as though he is still in fourth grade - but the truth is - more a young man, at the tender age of sixteen - now worrying about his driver's license and of course, a girl. I get him safely to school - after maneuvering through the foggy back roads of our home county - luckily I know every bump in the road, and the car sort of steers itself. He is busily talking on his cell phone to his girl, who is on her way to Chicago for a school trip. I can hear the sadness in his voice, see the down-in-the-dumps look on his face, and I know this 'child' of sixteen is worrying about way too much for his young age. You should never face the fog at sixteen. I think, as I am driving home, of all the 'fogs' I have been through in my 38 years on this earth - and it comes to me - the ones I faced in my teens - though they sometimes felt like the thickest - were nothing compared to what I have experienced in my adult life. The thickest fogs have come just in recent years, as I am entering what many would presume to be a good time in my life. A time when I have finally 'come into my own', know who I am, and am very close to being who and what I wanted to be. Little do they realize, I am no where near where I want to be, although I have taken great strides - in my eyes - to get there. 'Fog as thick as Pea Soup', or Peanut Butter - whatever you prefer - has crept into my life steadily and slowly over the past 11 years. Like the fog rolling in over the river. Lightly at first, with a cool mist you can feel on your skin, a foreboding of things to come. Somewhere along the way, it completely came to cover my entire psyche - and blocked out visions I had had since I was a child. Raised during the late 60's through early 80's - a lot has gone on around me. Turmoil in the public world, however, is not near as bad as I deem my personal fog to be. It's all perception, afterall. I have learned that while your small world spins at velocities hard to keep up with, the outside world - no matter the circumstance, turns at about the same rate. There have always been wars, famine, natural disasters - and these fogs of the outside world never quite seem to shake the foundation. Like a Roller Coaster - there are ups and downs - but yet balance remains. In a personal fog, however, the ride is directly linked to what air you are moving, whether you realize it or not. When I married in 1984, I had nothing but hope and love and dreams in my heart. What 17 year old girl wouldn't? You begin with 'white lace and promises', and build a life from there. Something you hope both of you will be safe within for eternity. Or at least 'until death do us part'. But, inevitably the fog begins to roll in . He said/she said takes over, and if you have not built sufficient shelter and a way to see in the dark - through the fog - it crashes and burns. A lot of 'kids' I know from high school ended up there. The second time around, there is almost elation as the fog has lifted, and the sunbeams come streaming in - surrounding you with heavenly sunlight and guiding you to the path you think you should have been on in the first place. Feeling older and wiser, once again you lace up your shoes and set out down the path - a different one, you think. Wait, what's that? A cool mist begins to surround you, and the winds of change begin to blow - lightly at first - ebbing the fog for moments at a time. Good. I'm still okay , and it's a good thing because - I don't have a flash....light..... And instantly, you are engulfed again. Fog as thick as Pea Soup and Peanut Butter combined. No way to run out because there is no light in any direction. You fumble your way through the muck, praying to God to lead you out of the darkness - sometimes He does - and sometimes He doesn't. It depends on a lot of factors, many of which you control - but do not realize it at the time. But the praying never stops. And I am learning, neither does the fog. ___________________________________________________________________ If there was one thing I could tell the entire generation of young people - all of those lost souls wandering aimlessly through their fogs, stumbling and fumbling through the darkness - it would be to map out the path before you start. Pack accordingly. Flashlights and blankets to light your way and keep you warm. Never think it will not happen to you - but do not live SO afraid that NOTHING happens to you. Change is inevitable - the only one true thing you can count on in this life. If you are prepared - you can embrace the change and welcome it - thankful for the break from the fog. If you do not prepare, and the fog rolls in, you are destined to be stagnet in the muck and mire for a very long time. Some people never find their way out. Remember - the extent of these life 'fogs' truly do depend on you. You have the power God gave you to get through it to the light, or stay where you are - praying for a miracle. Miracles do happen - but being prepared AND praying are a much better combination. Think about the fogs you have already encountered. Did you create them? Or where you a victim of circumstance? Some may argue EVERYTHING is a result of a choice you make - but I disagree. Sometimes - it doesn't matter what you do to effect change - the outside world turns in it's own direction. With or without you. But realize there is power within you. It's called 'Free Will', and God gave it to us to navigate our way through the fog and into His light. It is possible to cut through the Pea Soup and Peanut Butter - if you will only open your mind and your heart - lean on those on this physical earth who love you, and never forget - God has the flashlight even if you don't. Batteries - always included. 'Never Underestimate the Power of a Woman', was a catch-phrase from my youth - I remember the fight for women's lib in the 70's, and I remember when all of the mom's in our class at school started going to work. 'It's a good thing', they told us. 'Never depend on anyone but yourself'. ' I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman'. Well, sorry, but that generation left out one thing - the kids they had already given birth to - who were suddenly destined to walk through the fog. They didn't give us maps or blankets or flashlights - just a key to get in the door in the afternoon. And, if you were lucky, a can of Chef-Boy-Ardee sitting in the pantry for your supper. Easy to fix in the new microwave which took up the entire end of the counter. I do not blame anyone anymore for the fog I am walking through. But I do blame myself for allowing my children to slip into a fog of their own. I should have fought harder. I should have equipped them better. Wait - I did. Oh yeah, it's that 'Free Will' thing again. The point I am making to those of you - like me - who have truly done their best, but have never been lucky enough to see the light, you are not alone.Sometimes, no matter what we do as spouses - we cannot keep a marriage on the right path. Sometimes no matter what we do as parents - we cannot keep a child on the right path. Letting go and letting them fumble ( and us, too) is the worst part of this journey. I thought - once upon a time - it was the 2:00 a.m. feedings, the diapers, the crying and not knowing what hurt them. Now I know - the worst is NOW. Knowing what hurts them, and being powerless to effect the change that is needed so badly. Even in my own life. Knowing what to do - it's just taking the step to do it. Flashlight, blanket, a map, and prayer. And prayer. And prayer. That's all any of us really have, and that is all we really need. Just Believe....

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Fog...

He is busily talking on his cell phone to his girl, who is on her way to Chicago for a school trip. I can hear the sadness in his voice, see the down-in-the-dumps look on his face, and I know this 'child' of sixteen is worrying about way too much for his young age.

You should never face the fog at sixteen. I think, as I am driving home, of all the 'fogs' I have been through in my 38 years on this earth - and it comes to me - the ones I faced in my teens - though they sometimes felt like the thickest - were nothing compared to what I have experienced in my adult life.

The thickest fogs have come just in recent years, as I am entering what many would presume to be a good time in my life. A time when I have finally 'come into my own', know who I am, and am very close to being who and what I wanted to be.

Little do they realize, I am no where near where I want to be, although I have taken great strides - in my eyes - to get there. 'Fog as thick as Pea Soup', or Peanut Butter - whatever you prefer - has crept into my life steadily and slowly over the past 11 years.

Like the fog rolling in over the river. Lightly at first, with a cool mist you can feel on your skin, a foreboding of things to come. Somewhere along the way, it completely came to cover my entire psyche - and blocked out visions I had had since I was a child.

Raised during the late 60's through early 80's - a lot has gone on around me. Turmoil in the public world, however, is not near as bad as I deem my personal fog to be. It's all perception, afterall.

I have learned that while your small world spins at velocities hard to keep up with, the outside world - no matter the circumstance, turns at about the same rate. There have always been wars, famine, natural disasters - and these fogs of the outside world never quite seem to shake the foundation.

Like a Roller Coaster - there are ups and downs - but yet balance remains. In a personal fog, however, the ride is directly linked to what air you are moving, whether you realize it or not.

When I married in 1984, I had nothing but hope and love and dreams in my heart. What 17 year old girl wouldn't? You begin with 'white lace and promises', and build a life from there. Something you hope both of you will be safe within for eternity. Or at least 'until death do us part'.

But, inevitably the fog begins to roll in . He said/she said takes over, and if you have not built sufficient shelter and a way to see in the dark - through the fog - it crashes and burns. A lot of 'kids' I know from high school ended up there.

The second time around, there is almost elation as the fog has lifted, and the sunbeams come streaming in - surrounding you with heavenly sunlight and guiding you to the path you think you should have been on in the first place. Feeling older and wiser, once again you lace up your shoes and set out down the path - a different one, you think.

Wait, what's that? A cool mist begins to surround you, and the winds of change begin to blow - lightly at first - ebbing the fog for moments at a time.

Good. I'm still okay , and it's a good thing because - I don't have a flash....light..... And instantly, you are engulfed again. Fog as thick as Pea Soup and Peanut Butter combined. No way to run out because there is no light in any direction. You fumble your way through the muck, praying to God to lead you out of the darkness - sometimes He does - and sometimes He doesn't.

It depends on a lot of factors, many of which you control - but do not realize it at the time. But the praying never stops. And I am learning, neither does the fog.

If there was one thing I could tell the entire generation of young people - all of those lost souls wandering aimlessly through their fogs, stumbling and fumbling through the darkness - it would be to map out the path before you start.

Pack accordingly. Flashlights and blankets to light your way and keep you warm. Never think it will not happen to you - but do not live SO afraid that NOTHING happens to you. Change is inevitable - the only one true thing you can count on in this life. If you are prepared - you can embrace the change and welcome it - thankful for the break from the fog.

If you do not prepare, and the fog rolls in, you are destined to be stagnet in the muck and mire for a very long time. Some people never find their way out.

Remember - the extent of these life 'fogs' truly do depend on you. You have the power God gave you to get through it to the light, or stay where you are - praying for a miracle. Miracles do happen - but being prepared AND praying are a much better combination.

Think about the fogs you have already encountered. Did you create them? Or where you a victim of circumstance? Some may argue EVERYTHING is a result of a choice you make - but I disagree. Sometimes - it doesn't matter what you do to effect change - the outside world turns in it's own direction. With or without you.

But realize there is power within you. It's called 'Free Will', and God gave it to us to navigate our way through the fog and into His light.

It is possible to cut through the Pea Soup and Peanut Butter - if you will only open your mind and your heart - lean on those on this physical earth who love you, and never forget - God has the flashlight even if you don't. Batteries - always included.

'Never Underestimate the Power of a Woman', was a catch-phrase from my youth - I remember the fight for women's lib in the 70's, and I remember when all of the mom's in our class at school started going to work.

'It's a good thing', they told us. 'Never depend on anyone but yourself'. ' I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman'. Well, sorry, but that generation left out one thing - the kids they had already given birth to - who were suddenly destined to walk through the fog.

They didn't give us maps or blankets or flashlights - just a key to get in the door in the afternoon. And, if you were lucky, a can of Chef-Boy-Ardee sitting in the pantry for your supper. Easy to fix in the new microwave which took up the entire end of the counter.

I do not blame anyone anymore for the fog I am walking through. But I do blame myself for allowing my children to slip into a fog of their own. I should have fought harder. I should have equipped them better. Wait - I did. Oh yeah, it's that 'Free Will' thing again.

The point I am making to those of you - like me - who have truly done their best, but have never been lucky enough to see the light, you are not alone. Sometimes, no matter what we do as spouses - we cannot keep a marriage on the right path.

Sometimes no matter what we do as parents - we cannot keep a child on the right path. Letting go and letting them fumble ( and us, too) is the worst part of this journey. I thought - once upon a time - it was the 2:00 a.m. feedings, the diapers, the crying and not knowing what hurt them.

Now I know - the worst is NOW. Knowing what hurts them, and being powerless to effect the change that is needed so badly. Even in my own life. Knowing what to do - it's just taking the step to do it. Flashlight, blanket, a map, and prayer.

And prayer. And prayer. That's all any of us really have, and that is all we really need. Just Believe....

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