Posted on 01/06/2005 2:28:02 PM PST by Chris Haire
Fear This Is George Bush an evil man? No, he’s a member of Delta House.
by Chris Haire
As I reached for the door handle, I saw it clearly on the door — the letter “B” — warning me not to enter. It told me to turn back around, get in my car, head to Hardee’s and pick up a Thickburger. But a hamburger from the last place I would previously think of to get a burger but which is now the first place that comes to my mind was the last thing that I wanted to put in my mouth. I wanted something with a little kick. I wanted kim chee. But considering that the restaurant I was about to enter received the pisspoor grade of "B" from the Department of Health and Environmental Control, I didn’t know if I had the nerve, or the stomach, for it.
I hate to admit this in such a public forum, but there is nothing in this world that frightens me more than the possibility that some unseen evil lurks inside the food I eat. I will not drink milk after the expiration date. I make sure the safety seal breaks when I twist the cap off a bottle of Vanilla Coke. I will not pick up a can of carrots if it is the last one on the shelf. I know I’m as mad as Mad Max. I don’t have to see myself on Diane Sawyer to realize that.
However, there are more realistic fears for me when it comes to food. Salmonella. E. Coli. Mad Cow. They are the Axis of Evil of the culinary world.
But still, I have been known to play gastrointestinal roulette. I will lick the uncooked cake batter out of a mixing bowl. I will order medium rare hamburgers with a wink and a smile, letting my server know that I care little for DHEC regulations. And one day I will return to Mexico City and dine upon the delicacies offered by the street vendors there even though I once went mano y mano with Montezuma and lost. I will have my revenge.
So I pushed my fears aside, specifically my fear of restaurants that fail to meet the Department of Health's caveat emptor-heavy standards. My desire for kim chee was just too great. But even greater was my faith, a belief that whatever evil lay in wait would not harm me. It would only make me stronger. I turned back around and went inside.
Driving back, I was satisfied with my purchase and looked forward to eating without fear. I wasn’t about to let something as simple as the alphabet determine my fate. After all, I am an English major. Letters don’t scare me.
The same can’t be said of words. And right there in front of me were words that chilled me to the bone. The funny bone that is. The bumper sticker on the car ahead said, “Evil Lurks in the Bushes.”
I scanned the car for other rib-tickling stickers — “My child beat up your honor student,” “Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses,” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” and the like. I looked at the rear window, the trunk, the back left tire, but I couldn’t find another sticker. It was then that my laughs turned to tears of fear, for I realized that the driver in the car ahead might actually believe that our president is... (cue the orchestra)... EVIL.
I’m no Bush supporter, mind you. I disagree with many of his policies. For example, let’s say I ticked off the school bully and a showdown was scheduled for three o’clock high. Well, I would hope I could get my hands on some steroids and some WMDs ASAP. With Bush in office, I can’t do that and rightfully call myself a good American.
Now when it comes to the war in Iraq, well, I disagree with Bush there too. It has nothing to do with the mission itself. It’s the approach. While I’m all for cornering the market on sand and suicide bombers, I think that instead of waging a campaign of bombs and missiles we should have launched an assault using air conditioners, Lazy Boys and home entertainment systems. Amuse them into submission, I say. Pacify them with pixilated images and microwave popcorn. After all, who needs the Koran when you have TiVo?
But back to Bush: despite his ties to the Carlyle Group, Skull and Bones and the Lizard Men of Planet Thebes, I know in the shallowest pit of my heart that Bush is not an evil man. He’s a C-student. A drinking buddy. A man who looks at the serious issues that concern other world leaders and smirks. He’s Otter in Animal House. Well, at least he was before he pledged eternal allegiance to the Promise Keepers. Quitter.
Seriously, what sort of rational person believes that the American public could actually elect a genuinely evil man president of the United States? Evil men aren’t elected. They throw coups. They rig votes. They hang chads.
What about Nixon, you say. Phooey, I reply. Despite his tricky ways, Tricky Dick was not an evil man. He was just an overly cautious gent obsessed with dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s. Watergate, the Enemies List, the escalation of the war in Vietnam, they are less about evil and more about Nixon’s overachieving Doogie Howser inner child.
I know. I know. I can’t change your mind if you honestly believe that the 666 is residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. But maybe I can get you to reevaluate your own heart, to see if it’s devoid of darkness.
Consider this: if you believe that Bush is evil and the American public elected him to higher office (well, at least at some point), just what does that say about your opinion of your fellow man?
It says quite a lot. It says that you distrust your neighbor. That you consider him a fool. That you wish the FBI would book him a ticket on the Reeducation Camp Express. But most of all it says that you fear him.
As for me, I don’t fear Bush, and I don’t fear my fellow man. I fear the owner of the car with the “Evil Lurks in the Bushes” bumper sticker. But dammit if I don’t dig his sense of humor.
Kim Chee is macheseo (delicious).
Korea 1978-79(I Corps), 1981-82(2nd Infantry Division)
Don't make us coming looking for you...
Yuck! How can you eat something that you have to sneak up on with a clothespin on your nose?!
Hiya!
You left out Brussels Sprouts. Little green nuggets of nastiness. They haunt my nightmares and lurk on the shelves of the produce section, waiting to jump into my cart while I'm distracted by the blood-red stems of the Swiss Chard. Oh, the horrors of vegatables named after all things European - don't even get me started about the French Cut Green Beans in the freezer section.
In before the zot?
In before the zot? Pardon.
Hey there... ;-)
Al, the amazing wonder Viking kitty just lifted her head and snarled. She closed here eyes again, but her tail is twitching. Personally, I'd stay away from her.
??????
Weird stuff there on your home page dude.
I sat the book down on its back cover and opened it. I flipped past the first page. Past the moment when Bush tells Rumsfeld in November 2001 to create a plan of attack against Iraq. Past the moment when CIA Director George Tent says the shaky evidence of WMDs in Iraq is a “slam dunk case.” Past the moment when Cheney and Rumsfeld tell Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia we were going to war, two days before Secretary of State Colin Powell himself was notified of the change in plans.
Right there where Woodward asks the president how history will judge the war. Right there where Bush replies, “History, we don’t know. We’ll all be dead.” That is where I found the crushed body of the spider.
Thank you for that...unusual picture. :)
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Please let me know if you want ON or OFF my Viking Kitty/ZOT ping list!. . .don't be shy.
What in the HECK are you talking about?
MEOW TROLL
I really hope that kitten grows into her ears...
Do the kitties like spiders too?
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