| SPORTS |
Patriots Trade Kerry to Houston
No Losers Allowed, Say Super Bowl Champs
By V.K. Bestertester, Staff Writer
FRESNO, CA — The two-time Super Bowl champion New England Patriots announced today that they were trading their self described "fan" Senator John F. Kerry (D-Lib) to the Houston Texans. Terms of the deal were not disclosed.
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Above: Dumped by Patriots |
Patriots head coach B.B. Gumby said "We have worked very hard to build a winning organization here in New England. We've had some success. This team will not tolerate losing. And let's face it folks, this guy's got 'Loser' written all over him." Citing Kerry's Senate voting record, Gumby continued "When the guy manages to show up, he casts votes that flat-out drop the ball. And most of the time, he can't even be bothered to show up. We need people who will learn the system, participate and be part of the organization."
Patriots GM Edward "Ted" Clinton was concerned about the team's image. "After all, we are the Patriots. You know, as in patriotic? How would it look for us to be associated with a guy who comes back from Vietnam and turns on his buddies that are still in-country? He told the Senate they were over there committing 'atrocities' and that he had committed these 'atrocities' himself! You don't want your football team associated with a either a liar or a war criminal, and he's obviously one or the other." Clinton also voiced concerns over Kerry's record while in Vietnam. "Three scratches and you're out? What kind of message does that send to our players, many of whom play through worse injuries than Kerry had in Vietnam? This guy left a war zone over a fingernail scratch. Not on our team, folks."
New England fans were unconcerned about the trade. "What'd we get for him?" Port Authority worker Willie McBrady asked. "He was never at any of the games, so I don't see what good he was. Maybe those folks down in Houston will send up some good barbecue or some Longhorn Leather boots for him, huh?"
The Houston faithful were somewhat less enthusiastic. Their responses for this article were both negative and unprintable. This reporter was left with the impression Sen. Kerry would not be popular at Texan games.
NFL Commissioner Paul Bettman, reached at his office in New York, said that although trading fans was unorthodox, he saw no problem with it. "Changing allegiances is part of the game, and unfortunately part of Senator Kerry's voting record. He'll have fun down in Houston. They have a fine new stadium and a young and exciting team, even though they haven't been winners. But, judging from recent events, Senator Kerry prefers young and exciting to winning anyway."
Earlier in the day, rumors were flying that Kerry was headed for the Minnesota Vikings in a blockbuster deal that would have included the Metrodome. But Viking representatives nixed the deal due to fan response. "There were an awful lot of very strange calls received here about the proposed trade once it hit the media mill." said Media Relations Director Herschel Tarkenton. "They didn't say much, mostly they growled and hissed. It almost sounded like angry cats." But even despite the fan response, Tarkenton said the Vikings wanted no part of Kerry. "We've had enough of losing around here."
© 2004 Zottenkitten Zeitung, all rights reserved.
