Vanity: FReeper advice needed for Middle School Daughter

mrs cgk | 4-30-03 | mrs cgk

[cgk]

Just got off the phone with my 6th grade, 12 yr old daughter "B__"'s dad. Seems at school lunch Monday, she sat down at the table with her usual group of friends and one of them said "Why is B__ here?" My daughter B__ said "because I have friends here?", at which point they all got up and moved to another table, telling her she wasn't welcome in "the group" anymore.

She didn't tell me or her father this until last night at dinner when he took her out just the two of them, breaking into tears three times hysterically. (She lives with him, I have her weekends, long story not about better parenting or custody, please don't digress down that path.)

Every single one of these girls was at my daughter's birthday slumber party at the end of January. Apparently two or three of them are still friendly with B__, but not around the other girls in the group. And one girl (the one who I am told is poor), went up to the group and yelled at them for being hideous to my daughter. They gave no reason, and haven't changed their decision.

My daughter is bright (4.0 every year), pretty and a proud Republican. She once read funny liberal quotes to her friends from "Slander", at which point one of the girls (the one who said 'why is SHE here?') became very angry and said that Pres. Bush says lots of stupid things all the time.

Unfortunately, I told her this would happen when she told me before about one of the girls "A__" telling another friend who to be friends with, and who not to. I hoped it wouldn't happen to her, but knew it would, because, well, girls do this. I know, it's been done to me, a number of times. And it is a big reason I don't have but less than a handful of "girl" friends anymore.

So I am going to talk to her tonight, and I hate to be in a position of "I told you so", because that is NOT what she needs to hear, nor what I should say. How do I let her know that these people aren't worth being friends with, so she will listen? I heard that when I was a kid, and it meant nothing. She will want to know WHY they did this to her, and there is no good reason, which is the worst reason. She doesn't want to hear they are "just jealous of you", etc. I'm strangely, reaching out to my fellow FReepers, most of whom I know to be incredibly wise and thoughful and experienced with raising good kids.

Any ideas? :(

p.s. posted in chat for obvious reasons. the topic is "heated" because it made me choose a topic and that was the only one to check. sorry.

[Chancellor Palpatine]

You've got mail!

[vin-one]

my sympathies,
As a father of 16 and 18 year old daughters, this is standard. Hysteria, and tears then next week everything is fine.
my own advice which has done us pretty well, is don't ever, ever confront a parent of the child or the child,
your daughter needs to step up to the ring leader and find out what she has done
you can advise her, console her, and comfort her, but this is the way pre-teen, teenage girls are
next week they will be best friends again.
If she is still on the outs, find the poor kid and have her over for a sleep over, she is the one and true friend to count on.

Good luck, I wish I could say it gets easier, but no such luck.....sorry

[cgk]

your daughter needs to step up to the ring leader and find out what she has done

I thought about that, but the ring leader, according to her dad is a girl "K__" whom I've had misgivings about for three years. Since they moved up to middle school my daughter, who was once best friends with K__, says K__ has a whole new group of friends, and has become bossy and very popular. I didn't realize until this happened that K__'s "reach" extended to other girls in the class. I chalked it up to kids growing apart over summer breaks, which of course is common. Silly me.

[cgk]

"don't ever, ever confront a parent of the child or the child,"

Almost forgot to mention, my daughter's dad DID call one of the girls' father(who is still friendly with my daughter) and asked him if he knew anything about the situation. It wasn't a confrontation he says, they're pretty close. His stance was "kids will be kids." I said I didn't think he should have called him, but there you have it. If he had called a ringleader's parent and they lectured their child, I can't imagine how they'd treat my daughter at school after THAT. ugh.

[exnavy]

As the father of a 19 and 16 year old daughters, I would recomend not confronting the ringleaders, but would suggest a different circle of friends. Girls do these things, pick out one girl to harrangue on for no obvious reason. It hurts, a lot. Good luck.

[cgk]

"I would recomend not confronting the ringleaders, but would suggest a different circle of friends."

Yes, because it won't make a bit of difference. And they'll do it again even if they change their minds.

[vin-one]

I hope things, get better for your daughter. The hardest thing for me to deal with
is when one of them is hurt/crying/hsyterical, it happens often
This week, one's problem is gone, and next week onto something, else. Like why doesn't Jay like me
or we broke up. Just wait the next headache is so and so is going out with jay and she new I liked him
like one of the posters above, jr. high and Highschool is nothing.
Life will be better when she is in college, and so forth.
however to these little girls you will still be talking into the wind.
Try to keep them calm, and focus on the true friends.

One of my daughters best friends, all through elementary school, and Jr. High, who lives four houses away, don't even talk anymore
Point out that as long as she is friendly and not a little B*tch, she will be liked, by others. that is important.

Again good luck.... fun times ahead.

[OPS4]

Turn to the Lord himself and show her how to pray for guidence in the Word of God, and together as a family you will overcome adversity.

Ops4 God BLess America!

[Auntie Mame]

This is pretty much standard with girls this age. My daughter, Miss Popularity, had one year when she was about 14, when everyone turned against her, all her friends ostracized her, and then the next year everything was just peachy. All you can do is offer a sympathetic ear, listen to her, and here you may disagree with me, but try your best not to offer advice unless asked.

This is just a part of growing up and is particular for girls, I think.

Don't worry, Mom, this too shall pass.

[Fearless Flyers]

Growing up I had a lot of friends turn on me for various reasons. My little sister is deaf, so I learned early on to stand up for those less fortunate and that wasn't a very popular stand.

Most of the friends I have today are of the friendships I developed in grade school, we all learned the lesson of respect early. There is something my friends and I share that kids from other neighborhoods never learned, TRUST. This is a treasure that can never be replaced.

Remember it is not the quantity of friends we have, but the quality of the friendship we share.

Lonely times give us a wonderful opportunity others may never have and that it is the time to learn who we are and appreciate our own strengths and weaknesses.

I'd recommend telling your daughter that intelligence is always a minority and her strengths will naturally incite the jealousies of others, this should be something to be proud of. Those others will be the ones she steps over on her way to achievement.

Her pride and strength will attract friends of strong character and those will become friendships that she will always be able to trust. It is better to have a few friends you can trust then be surrounded by a crowd of weasels, who are always looking for ways to trip you up and bring you down.

What your daughter is giong through may seem cruel, but she should be led to understand suffering can be an opportunity to surpass those that will never advance to her level of achievement.