I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!

none ^ | now | me

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Hey All,

I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.

Thanks,

BG & R 99

[BluesDuke]

I remember that one. But I also remember, a short time before that campaign, George Will writing a line in a column that is, unfortunately, still too damn much the truth: Today's conservative has reached into his heart of hearts, prayed hard, and decided it was high time the government cut his neighbour's benefits.

A Reagan gem, from the time he was one of the roasters when they decided to let George Burns have it:

This Bionic Geriatric...George Burns is the only man I know who does fool Mother Nature. George, I have to tell you that you're Nancy's favourite singer. I also have to tell you Margaret Truman was her favourite piano player. Last night I thought she was listening to one of your records, but it turned out it was a spoon stuck in the garbage disposal.

[Genesis defender]

A guy sitting at a bar figures he's had enough to drink so he decides that it is time for him to go home.

He drunkenly tries to stand up but falls down.

He tries again, and again he falls down, so he figures he'll just crawl outside and try to stand up then.

When he gets outside, he pulls himself up at a parking meter, but falls down again.

Since he only lives a couple of blocks away, he decides to just crawl home.

When he gets to his front door he tries to get up again, but again he falls down.

Not wanting to wake up his wife, he crawls into his house, up the stairs to his bedroom and into bed and falls asleep.

The next morning, his wife angrily wakes him up saying, "You were drinking last night!"

"No I wasn't" replies the man in mock indignation.

"Don't lie to me," the wife says, "the bar just called and said you left your wheelchair there last night!"

[The Raven]

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he had determined to take them to the county fair and sell them.



While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.



The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles.





While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, then they're not."



The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!!!



This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." "Neither," reported his wife. "They're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn"...

[herewego]

Buckwheat and Darla are in school.
The teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell
"dumb"? Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use
it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now,
spell "stupid". Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid"



Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says,
"Buckwheat, spell dictate." Buckwheat stands and says,
"d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."


The teacher says, "Very good,
now use it in a sentence." Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb,
and stupid, but Darla says my dictate good.

[herewego]

You Know You're Trailer Trash When
>> 1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more
>> teeth than your spouse.
>>
>> 2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at
>> the dinner table in front of her kids.
>>
>> 3.---You're been married three times and still have
>> the same in-laws.
>>
>> 4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league"
>> bowls on a different night.
>>
>> 5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired
>> people."
>>
>> 6.---You wonder how service stations keep their
>> restrooms so clean.
>>
>> 7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after
>> saying: "Hey, watch this."
>>
>> 8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
>>
>> 9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.
>>
>> 10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling
>> fan.
>>
>> 11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled
>> Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."
>>
>> 12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house
>> exploded right off its wheels.
>>
>> 13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and
>> down, depending on how much gas is in it.
>>
>> 14.---You have to go outside to get something from
>> the fridge.
>>
>> 15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.
>>
>> 16.---You need one more hole punched in your cards to
>> get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
>>
>> 17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart
>> because there's a law against it.
>>
>> 18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife
>> is drunk.
>>
>> 19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
>>
>> 20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than
>> five dogs.

[herewego]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about
>>>>>ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride
>>>>>says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm
>>>>>not a virgin."
>>>>>
>>>>>The husband replies, "That's no surprise in this day
>>>>>and age."
>>>>>
>>>>>The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
>>>>>
>>>>>"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
>>>>>
>>>>>"Tiger Woods."
>>>>>
>>>>>"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
>>>>>
>>>>>"Yeah." "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can
>>>>>see why you went to bed with him."
>>>>>
>>>>>The husband and wife then made passionate love. When
>>>>>they finished, the husband gets up and walks to the
>>>>>telephone.
>>>>>
>>>>>"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
>>>>>
>>>>>The husband says, "I'm going to call room service
>>>>>for some food."
>>>>>
>>>>>"Tiger wouldn't do that."
>>>>>
>>>>>"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
>>>>>
>>>>>"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
>>>>>
>>>>>The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed
>>>>>and makes love to his wife for a second time. When
>>>>>they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
>>>>>
>>>>>"What are you doing?" She asks.
>>>>>
>>>>>The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going
>>>>>to phone room service to order some food."
>>>>>
>>>>>"Tiger wouldn't do that."
>>>>>
>>>>>"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
>>>>>
>>>>>"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
>>>>>
>>>>>The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and
>>>>>makes love to his wife one more time. When they
>>>>>finish, he's gasping for air and glistening with
>>>>>sweat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts
>>>>>to dial.
>>>>>
>>>>>The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
>>>>>
>>>>>"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par
>>>>>for this damn hole."

[Jeff Chandler]

How can you tell a girl chromosome from a boy chromosome?

Look inside its genes.

[biffalobull]

Hey, don't look at me... You titled this thread, "I Need Your Bad Jokes.

Upchuck; You think thats bad, how about this one.

I said to my friend,"The other day I saw a homosexual bear at the dump eating garbage. My friend askd,"How do you know he was homosexual?" A; I watched him lay his paw on the table.

OK,OK, I didn't start this thread.

[herewego]

There was this little boy named Joe and he is about 13 years old. He was
>walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him
>one day. He came up to the doorstep of a house of whore house and knocked
>on the door.
>
>When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.
>He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money
>to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
>
>The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
>him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have
>any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men
>talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S
the
>girl I want."
>
>Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
>Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall
>dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back,
still
>dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
>
>The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
>place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
>
>He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
>going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
>
>After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
>happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the
>disease
>that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the
baby-sitter
>home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the
>disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will
go
>to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes
>to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and
>catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG !

[GOPyouth]

Today's conservative has reached into his heart of hearts, prayed hard, and decided it was high time the government cut his neighbour's benefits.

Too funny. Kind of reminds me of the old term limits argument. Everybody wants term limits till their candidate gets elected. heh heh.

[slimer]

A Man shows up at the Doctors office in a tuxedo. The nurse says to him, "you sure do look nice all dressed up, are you going somewhere special today? The man replied, "no mam, I'm going to have a vasectomy today and I decided, dog gone it, if I'm gonna be impotent I'm gonna look impotent".

[GOPyouth]

Ok, fair warning for those who don't want to get offended. This is a bad joke. I'm hoping I don't get struck down after this one...

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes 1 nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Ducking now..

[Christopher]

***WARNING: Cruel & insensitive jokes ahead***

Q: What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

Q: How can you tell when a woman has an orgasm?
A: Who cares?

Q: What's better than roses on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ

Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None... Let her cook in the dark.

[Cincinatus' Wife]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone."

[GiovannaNicoletta]

What's 200 feet long, has 100 heads and 15 teeth?

The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

[Dinsdale]

Jesus walks into a hotel with four nails. Says 'can you put me up for the night'.

[PaulJ]

Reminds me of one:

A large organed woman from Dallas,
Named Alice who longed for a phallus,
Was virgo intacto
Because, ipso-facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.

[Future Snake Eater]

Here's a bad one:

Did you hear about that new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrr!

[PaulJ]

An ad executive from New York is on vacation and driving through the country. He passes a farm and sees the farmer feeding his pig in a most unusual manner. The farmer, standing beneath an apple tree, picks up the pig in his arms and holds the pig up to an apple. When the pig was done eating it, the farmer would move over a bit and the pig would eat the next apple.
This goes on for some time while the exec looks on amazed. Finally the city boy can stand it no longer and he leaves his car and approaches the farmer.
"Excuse me sir," he says to the farmer, still holding the pig, "but this looks like a very inefficient way to feed your pig. It seems to me that if you were to shake the tree the apples would fall to the ground, the pig could eat the apples off the ground and it would save a lot of time."
The farmer looks at the farmer, looks at his pig and turns to the city slicker and says, "What's time to a pig?"

[hellinahandcart]

I heard this one on the radio yesterday:

"I read recipes like I read a science fiction book--I get to the end, and I say, 'Well, that's never going to happen..."