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I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!
none ^
| now
| me
Posted on 09/14/2002 9:01:38 PM PDT by Big Guy and Rusty 99
Hey All,
I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.
Thanks,
BG & R 99
TOPICS: Heated Discussion
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To: Doctor Stochastic
Moby Dick isn't a sexually transmitted disease.
Just watch - someone is bound to develop a Viagra variant and sell it under that brand name! ;)
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
"I got in touch with my feminine side once, but it got a Temporary Restraining Order against me."
To: BluesDuke
Why didn't Hitler ever drink Vodka?
It made him mean.
Comment #144 Removed by Moderator
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
What do you call a skunk in a courtroom?
Odor in the court.
ba dah bing!
To: John Lenin
Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?
A: The Mafia won't ask you what right you think you have to want it back, even when taking your neck measurement for piano wire.
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. So far everything is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire and so powerful that it shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decides its impossible to ignore it.
Mr. President, please accept my regrets. Im sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control.
Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies, Your Majesty, please dont give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadnt said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses!
To: justsomedude
What do you call a skunk in a courtroom?
A lawyer.
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
What do you call a group of Polish men with turbans on their head???
a Pak-of-stanleys
(with apologies to the fine Polish people everywhere)
To: Rocko
I never could get that joke
150
posted on
09/14/2002 10:30:27 PM PDT
by
swheats
To: MadelineZapeezda
a Pak-of-stanleysLOLOLLOL
To: BluesDuke
What do you call a skunk in a courtroom? A lawyer. Ba da bing!
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Here's an oldie:
Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: "What's troubling you, brother?" he said.
"My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't see."
Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.
The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.
The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him.
"Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!"
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Why do the French plant trees by the side of the roads?
Because Germans don't like to march in the sun.
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Student A: "So, do you think you'll pass the test?"
Student B: "The only way I'm going to pass this test is if I eat it first."
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Aibohphobia: Morbid fear of palindromes.
156
posted on
09/14/2002 10:49:39 PM PDT
by
boris
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
This would be a bad one to find while at work:
THIS JOB IS A TEST.
IT IS ONLY A TEST.
IF IT HAD BEEN A REAL JOB,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOLLOWED BY
RAISES, BONUSES, AND PROMOTIONS.
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
If you reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer come out your nose.
- Deep Thoughts Jack Handy
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs.
When he looked closer, he saw they were all stark naked. He went to the front door and rang the bell.
When the director answered, the man asked if he realized he had nine naked old ladies in his front yard.
The director said: "Yes, I know. They all live here. They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."
Hey, don't look at me... You titled this thread, "I Need Your
Bad Jokes.
159
posted on
09/14/2002 11:01:54 PM PDT
by
upchuck
To: Big Guy and Rusty 99
Bill and Hillary Clinton are driving through Arkansas and they pull into a gas station for gas. The attendant comes up to the door, leans down and says, "Hillary, I thought that was you when I saw you driving in. How the heck are ya. Good to see you again."
Hillary replied, "just fine, and it is good to see you too."
The attendant goes to the back of the car to put in the gas.
Bill looks at Hillary and says, "Well, he certainly seems to know you, and just who is that?"
"Him, oh, he's my old high school sweatheart," says Hillary.
Bill looks back at the gas attentant through the rear view mirror, then says, "Just think Hill, if you had married him, you'd be the wife of a gas station attendant."
Hillary replies, "No, if I had married him, he would have been the president.
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