The Class Photo that Broke a Mother’s Heart

It's one of those things that you don't get, until you get it. Unless you are eternally empathetic, you look at this photo and don't see much wrong at all.

When the class portrait for her son's Grade 2 class came home, she opened it excitedly, and immediately shoved it back in the envelope. She couldn't look at it. It broke her heart.

Anne's son, Miles, has Spinal Muscular Atrophy. At the age of 13 months, his parents were told that Miles would never walk, he has spent his life in a wheelchair.

Miles knows he's different than the rest of the kids, but he still tries to fit in. So there he is, on the far side of the image, neck craning as far as he can to stretch into the frame with the rest of his friends. He's beaming. It's school picture day and he's thrilled.

But the photo still broke Anne's heart. The photo was a clear example of how set apart her son is from society. Instead of a big group hug photo with Miles at the center, and classmates and teachers all around, a fully inclusive image, he was stuffed off to the side, some 3 feet away. An after thought, it seems.

I've read all the comments on this thread, and I'm pretty disappointed in a great many. There has always been knee-jerk idiocy from some posters on this site, but I'm surprised at some of the posts I've read on this thread from people I've come to recognize and value.

There are parents of special needs kids who are "drama-enhanced", just like there are parents of "normal" kids who are. However, your chances of meeting them are much lower. Why? Because everything they do with the filter of "how is this going to make my kid feel?" They are focused on empathy-- quite often for kids other than their own-- and they'll spot the "slight" to your kid before you do, most likely.

The majority of these parents DON'T WANT their child to be "the center of attention". They want him involved with other kids. They want him to fit in, as much as possible, with other kids. They want him to have as close to the quality of life of other kids as he possibly can. They don't want to drag the rest of the class down to their kids' levels-- they want to raise their kids to the level of the other kids. ANYTHING ELSE puts the spotlight on their kids and, trust me, that's not where they want it.

I'll wager that, if you were to actually ask the mother in this story, far from wanting her kid in the center of the class, she'd want him toward the edge, but among them.

For those of you that say that this is not a slight, but just a bad picture: you're right. I'm sure the photographer didn't intend to leave that kid out in the weeds for the picture, and neither did the teacher.

For those of you that say that the fact that it's not a slight is the point: you're also right. The constant struggle and wish of parents with children of special needs is that, with just a bit of compassion-- with just a bit of situational awareness-- from those around them, their child's life would be that much richer. And it can be done without dragging everyone else down!

How could this particular picture been better handled? The photographer could have easily moved the kids over, or down a row, with the chair to the front, but toward the side of the bleachers. The teacher could've been on the other side. There are a myriad of ways that this extremely awkward picture could have been better prepared.

Here's where I deviate from the "lack of a slight" crowd: The teacher had been with this student for several weeks to several months (depending on when their school takes its pictures). The kids had been with this student for the same period, or perhaps years. The fact that the teacher didn't step up and stage this better, or that one or more of the students didn't, on their own, tells me all I need to know about the dynamics of the classroom (barring some draconian pronouncement by the photographer).

Sure, the kid is smiling to beat hell. He has no clue what's going on here. Sure his Mom is heartbroken-- but I bet she never tells him that. Someday, though, when he's looking back through his photos, he's going to realize what this picture represents. His mom will be reminded every time she views it.

Yeah, it's only a class photo. It's too bad that this photo isn't one amongst thousands where he can be seen smiling as he's riding his bike, graduating from Army Ranger School, walking down the aisle with his bride, jogging along side his first-born as the training wheels come off for the first time... It's too bad that this picture is going to be among only a few.

And now for full disclosure: I'm the oldest brother of an Autistic kid. I grew up watching my parents attempt to deal with people the likes of which I've read the posts here. I've seen them fight for just a bit of decency from people who, given their way, would banish him to some island, so as not to temporarily inconvenience them in the slightest-- to force them to think of anyone but themselves. My parents who only want my brother to live the fullest, richest, most normal life he can.

I'm now the father of a completely ordinary son-- one who, unlike my little brother, would LOVE to be the center of attention, and thankfully doesn't have to struggle with the same things he has-- but is fully aware that some people do, and will hopefully approach things at 10 years old with more maturity than I'm seeing from many on this thread.

Don't bother arguing with me-- it's not my intent. I only wish to open your eyes just a bit. Some of you are wrong, and your argument is with God and yourself, not with me.

I saw a lot of compassion from kids that you normally wouldn’t expect it from... different world now, I guess... everyone is so closed in upon their own little virtual world...

My daughter's "boyfriend" has been on crutches or in a wheelchair all his life (they're 14) and one of the most popular kids around. My first "real" conversation with him started out with me asking him if he thought it appropriate he should be asking my daughter to be his "date" for the big dance, without first having formally introduced himself to her parents. (they were in 7th grade at the time.) My husband was appalled, our daughter cringed, but the young man just looked at me and said something along the lines of - no, not really, you tried to "help" pick me up off the floor on Halloween, I think we have been introduced enough.

I was appropriately put in my place and I admired him for not being cowed, but he has also thanked me for not looking at his crutches and learning to look at him for him.

My son is in a special needs class. They keep him and 8 others mostly separated from the rest of the school. I hate it ...he’s marginalized and kept on the periphery.

Maybe he needs different instruction than the other students. Maybe having him in a regular class would disrupt the educations of him and them if they have to give him separate instructions. Him being “wonderful” is beside the point.

**
Not necessarily talking about including him in instruction ...how about including him in general school activities: plays, the band, chorus, etc. He is NEVER nominated or encouraged to do such things.

“kept on the periphery” of what?

Of participation in the “community” of the school — in all the little things that enable kids to “be involved” in their school ...raising the flag for the day, talking on the intercom, being nominated for awards, beging given special tasks, etc. All things that connect a child to a school and to a community. You probably take this for granted, as your kids are included in these types of things.

Do you think they should be in a regular classroom if it disrupts and interferes with the education of the other students and the disabled kids too? Do you think it more important for them to be there than for all the kids to get the best education?

Isn’t it possible you are using emotion in that post instead of logic?

***

Well, gee, yeah ...hard not to. This is my kid. He’s not a sock puppet. Do you have kids at all? Are they included in the life and the community of their school? Do you know how it feels for your child NOT to be included into that? I know how it feels and the “emotions” I feel aren’t all that great. It hurts. So, yes, emotion does surely come into it.

how about including him in general school activities: plays, the band, chorus, etc. He is NEVER nominated or encouraged to do such things

does he volunteer for those things? I don’t understand why he would need to be “nominated”, has he actually expressed a desire to the school to do those things?

**
Hell, I don’t know. What kids at the elementary level usually DO express a desire to do these things? ...these things are usually carried out by kids who are pushed to do it by teachers, or peers, or whomever.

Perhaps my son would like to do something like this, but certainly at times cannot express that he would like to do it ...and he certainly won’t be invited or encouraged to do it. This is the problem ...and you are NOT getting this.

I suppose you are of the type that feels that since children with special needs don’t “seem” to want or desire the things that normal children desire, that it’s ok not to enable them to do it ...well, how do you know that? Can you see inside their hearts? They do have the SAME desires and needs as any of us ...the desire for friendship, for acceptance, for inclusion ... but rarely are these needs met.

And now for full disclosure: I’m the oldest brother of an Autistic kid. I grew up watching my parents attempt to deal with people the likes of which I’ve read the posts here. I’ve seen them fight for just a bit of decency from people who, given their way, would banish him to some island, so as not to temporarily inconvenience them in the slightest— to force them to think of anyone but themselves. My parents who only want my brother to live the fullest, richest, most normal life he can.

Ah ha .... got to the end here and I see WHY you wrote such a compassionate post. You have LIVED it. And look now at the type of person you are. Amazing. You deserve every blessing . . .

I have already seen the wonders having an autistic kid as my youngest has done for my older two. The are also compassionate, sensitive, although not in a pitying way, and richer for the experience. They are like parents to him in some ways, and in others, they all behave in extremely normal sibling ways ... both have pledged to always take care of him ....although I have NEVER asked them to do so and really don’t want to lay that on them. But they’d do it ..they love their little brother.

If a child cannot express that he wants to be in a play, how exactly will he be able to act in a play? If he is unable to communicate how does he read his lines?

for friendship, for acceptance, for inclusion

So this isn't about being in plays, band or chorus or raising the flag on the flagpole. If he is able to do those things it would be a simple matter of asking.

So when other kids sign up for things, they should do what? read his heart and use a crystal ball to discern how to include the kids who didn't sign up? If you don't even know, how can you expect the school to know?

Here is an idea. Find out what your child is interested in, find out what role he can play and then go to the school and actually ask/goad them into letting your child participate.

....

Not so serious--> The kid in the picture, if feels left out, he should sign up for wrestling or the swim team. :p

If a child cannot express that he wants to be in a play, how exactly will he be able to act in a play? If he is unable to communicate how does he read his lines?

***
Honestly, I am wondering if YOU are autistic yourself ...you take everything so literally.

My son is autistic. His brain does not process at the same speed or in the same non-linear fashion, the same DYNAMIC fashion as that of a typical child. Perhaps he sees the play and thinks it’s neat. Perhaps he looks at the kids in the play and admires how they act or sing or dance. But does he CONNECT all of this and actually bubble up with the desire to run to his teacher and beg to be put into the play? Heck no ...it doesn’t go down like that.

And am I the pushy mother who is going to barge into the school and DEMAND that my son be included in everything? Nope. Not me ...not my style.

It just doesn’t happen like this ...

for friendship, for acceptance, for inclusion

So this isn’t about being in plays, band or chorus or raising the flag on the flagpole. If he is able to do those things it would be a simple matter of asking.

***
that’s what I’m getting at ...it’s NOT just a simple matter of asking ...

So when other kids sign up for things, they should do what? read his heart and use a crystal ball to discern how to include the kids who didn’t sign up? If you don’t even know, how can you expect the school to know?

***

I’m sorry, but I DO feel, at least at the elementary level, that many typical children are encouraged to do things and TRY things for the sake of trying them, because someone, some teacher believes that they should try it. They don’t necessarily ASK to do it .. .they are LED TO DO IT. The schools KNOW who wants to participate ...or perhaps they do not. Perhaps they don’t believe special kids can participate, and so they hold them back.

Here is an idea. Find out what your child is interested in, find out what role he can play and then go to the school and actually ask/goad them into letting your child participate.

Why should I do that? Why can’t the teachers figure this out and encourage him? They are WITH him more than I am during the school hours. Do OTHER parents have to do this?

BTW, my son can read. He’d be able to read lines just fine.

There is also the confidence issue ...something that results from a lack of social skills which is problematic in autism to begin with. So how do you solve that? If you’re constantly kept on the periphery, what do you think that does for a child’s confidence level?

Your problem is you know nothing about the disability. You think everything is so black and white ...so easy. It’s just not that easy, my friend.

Either that or you just get your jollies by goading on the mother of an autistic child. If THAT is your issue, then you can go to h*ll.

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