Dear Mr. Clinton,Whaddya think? I haven't mailed it yet. I toned it down quite a bit.Thanks so much for writing. It’s always good to know what you are up to.
I’ve enclosed a little article from The Washington Times that you might enjoy. It pretty much proves that your letter about how President Bush has destroyed the economy is just B.S. No, that’s not Barbra Streisand, but the terms are often interchangeable.
I have no clue how I got on your mailing list. In fact, it’s a little embarrassing to have your name show up in my mail box. But if you must write again, every time you do, I’ll fire off a little something else to the National Republican Senatorial Committee. George Allen says “thanks.”
Rest assured that between now and the 2004 elections, I’ll be doing everything I can to help the GOP retain and increase the majority in the Senate and the House.
Best,
"Corin Stormhands"
P.S. I thought it only fair that I include a little something for postage. Please send a receipt. [a check in the amount of $0.37]
Turn off 90% of your brain cells, and rewrite it, pretending you're a DIM. Actually, don't write ANY letter. The mail just goes to some agency that enters your donation in a database, and deposits the check. Just send them the 37 cent check, plus whatever form they want returned with your name on it.
Last time I looked, it costs 45 cents for each business reply envelope returned. So they're out 8 cents before they even process your check. That mailing and banking process, from start to finish, probably costs them about $2, and they get 37 cents back. But you go into their database as a "live one". That should keep them sending you more stuff. As long as they have a post-paid return envelope, keep "donating".
Seriesly, nobody will read your opus, and if they did, they might figure out that they should drop you from their database. I think you'll get more satisfaction knowing that your 37 cent "investment" causes them $1.63 in losses.