Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Republican Guard. + other "Late Night" Iraq lists.

http://www.mudslide.net/TopTen/lnwd1991.html#February21 ^ | February 21, 1991 | "Late Night" staff

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of the Republican Guard

10. Giggling during story time.
9. Asking commander during inspection, "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
8. Forging letter of recommendation from Steinbrenner.
7. Whenever enemy aircraft appears, dropping your gun and screaming like a woman.
6. Wearing "Home of the Scud Missile" boxer shorts.
5. Comments like, "Wow! That Hussein guy is nuts!"
4. Holding membership in B'nai Brith.
3. Showering.
2. Double dating with Arthur Kent.
1. Laughing hysterically as you point to the sky and say, "Hey look everybody! More B-52's!"

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

This is one of the most memorable "Late Night With David Letterman Top Ten Lists" from the Desert Storm era. Will post more as many are still on topic today.

[paulklenk]

This is a great one, HGC! Thanks for posting it.

[Peach]

I needed a good laugh tonight. Great post.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

Top 10 Reasons CNN Let the Iraqis Use Their Phone Lines

10. Iraq told them they had never used a football phone before.
9. Needed to call 911; report a lot of mysterious explosions in neighborhood.
8. Iraqi guy told Peter Arnett he just wanted to show him how to play CNN theme on touch-tone buttons.
7. To call 970-VEIL.
6. Trying to win Bon Jovi tickets by being 100th caller to Radio Baghdad.
5. Wanted to talk to Time-Life operator Susie.
4. Foreman of Iraqi "baby milk factory" had to place a rush order for "pacifiers" from Germany.
3. Thought it was funny idea to call Baghdad airport and have them page "Dick Hertz."
2. Iraq promised to use Sprint and get big savings over AT&T, but when the bill came, where were the "big" savings? I mean, I thought it was a typo! If you switched from AT&T, it's easier than ever to come back.
1. Hoping to screw Dominos out of free pizza.

I forgot that CNN did that. I'll try to get the specifics but I recall it didn't make them look too good.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

February 6, 1991

Top 10 Signs the Iraqi Military Is Cracking

10. When allied bomb misses them, they no longer do "the wave."
9. Patriotic messages on Baghdad radio replaced with 12-in-a-row from Motley Crue.
8. Everyone in Republican Guard now going by name "Dorothy."
7. Dan Quayle's father getting thousands of pleading phonecalls from Iraqi troops.
6. Iraqi officers suddenly complaining that their bunkers smell like corn chips.
5. Deserters describe widespread fear that U.S. is bringing in Chuck Norris.
4. Iraqi government offering a $100 reward to any Israeli who returns an unexploded Scud in good condition.
3. French ambassador seen coaching Baghdad officials on how to snivel and give up.
2. Thousands of applications from Iraq flooding New York City Taxi Commission.
1. American soldiers' cries of "Tastes great!" no longer trigger Iraqi response of "Less filling!"


Notice how some of these are dated but some could have been written today.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

February 1, 1991

Top 10 Headlines in Today's Baghdad Newspapers

10. Odd Western Custom of Relentlessly Dropping Bombs To Say "I Surrender" Continues
9. Mix-up at Baby Milk Factory Actually Produces Baby Milk
8. American Team Loses Superbowl
7. Letter Bombs Go Up to 29 Cents.
6. George Bush Falls; Can't Get Up
5. Elvis Is Living in My Bunker (Baghdad Enquirer)
4. Build Your Own Scud! See Lifesytyle Section
3. America Demoralized By Letterman's 9th Anniversary
2. Victory Parade Rescheduled
1. Big Lotto Winner Announced: Hussein Again!

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

Wasn't going to post another, but found this one;

April 3, 1990

Top 10 Reasons Iraq Wants an Atomic Bomb

10. To impress the babes.
9. Already spent a lot of money on a beautiful leather atomic bomb case.
8. It'll bring in the tourists.
7. Tired of being treated like a second-rate New Jersey.
6. To threaten CBS until they give Brent Musburger his job back.
5. To get Iran to turn down the damn music.
4. Conventional warfare went out with bellbottoms.
3. Just to annoy Dan Rather.
2. When some son-of-a-bitch in a Porsche cuts us off on the freeway.
1. Hey! We're a bunch of lunatics who want to destroy the world. So sue us!

Here's the link to all Top Ten Lists (Late Night and Late Show);
http://www.mudslide.net/TopTen/

[Peach]

Oh, I love that. Laughed out loud for only the second time today.

[Peach]

I've printed these off to send to my step-son who is overseas right now positioned with his unit to defend Israel. The troops will love this. Thanks.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

To save bandwith here's more;

http://www.mudslide.net/TopTen/lnwd1990.html#August2

http://www.mudslide.net/TopTen/lnwd1990.html#August10

http://www.mudslide.net/TopTen/lnwd1990.html#October12

http://www.mudslide.net/TopTen/lnwd1990.html#November2

http://www.mudslide.net/TopTen/lnwd1990.html#November22

http://www.mudslide.net/TopTen/lnwd1992.html#March3

[Peach]

I'll go print more off; preparing a package for my step-son and will include it along with the other items. He'll love it and in the interim, it's made me laugh a lot tonight.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

Let me pour through these because I'm sure there were more the men and women over there would like.

To all. Just remembering back to when my brother was in Desert Storm. He would call back here from Riyadh and I would repeat Carson and Letterman jokes about Iraq. He wasn't able to get them. I know they have AFRTS and some web access there but most of them won't have time to watch or web surf as many will be lucky to get time for sleep. If you find anything funny please send it to them.

[Peach]

Yes, I think this is something our troops would like. The little things I intend to send are fine, but laughing will be so good for them. I can just see my step-son and his friends in his troop and it makes me feel good to know I have some funny jokes to send him he probably hasn't seen. I scrolled through the links you sent, but it's getting late now and so I'll come back to it tomorrow for more printing off. Thank you - our troops say thanks as well! Regards, Peach

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

Here's some of the more recent ones;

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2003/ls_topten_archive_20030225.shtml

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2003/ls_topten_archive_20030212.shtml

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2003/ls_topten_archive_20030124.shtml

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2003/ls_topten_archive_20030120.shtml

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2003/ls_topten_archive_20030117.shtml

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2002/ls_topten_archive_20021220.shtml

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2002/ls_topten_archive_20021209.shtml

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2002/ls_topten_archive_20021113.shtml

http://www.cbs.com/latenight/lateshow/top_ten/archive/ls_topten_archive2002/ls_topten_archive_20021002.shtml

I think the old ones were better.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

Bump.

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

I looked all over the web for the story about CNN reporters who let Iraqi leaders use their phones because we wiped theirs out during Desert Storm but didn't have any luck ( no surprise there ). I do remember that it happened. Anyone have any more info on that story?

[Peach]

Thank you again so much for sending those Letterman Top 10 jokes; I've just finished printing them off and will send them to my step-son. You will have given some soldiers many good laughs. Regards, Peach

[Hillarys Gate Cult]

Bump for those who haven't seen it.

[thoughtomator]

"August 2, 1990
Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Reasons for Attacking Kuwait
9. Start with something easy -- like France."

[thoughtomator]

oops well I've ruined the joke I'm afraid -
"August 7, 1990
Saddam Hussein's Top 10 Helpful Invasion Tips"
should be the title on that one.