Posted on 02/26/2003 4:23:58 AM PST by BigWaveBetty
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted transcenddental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
RICE FOR GOVERNOR?
National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice has delivered a definite no to all pleas that she run against Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer in California next year, but trying for governor in 2006 might be another matter. Rice, who was Stanford University provost before joining the Bush administration, is described by close associates as privately expressing interest in returning to California to run for governor. Democratic Gov. Gray Davis is barred by term limits from seeking a third term. link
UPI reports:
California Republicans are wondering if their eventual salvation lies in Washington. In 2002, the GOP lost every statewide race to the Democrats, leaving the party at an all time low as it comes out of its recent state convention under the leadership of new chairman Duf Sundheim. Party donors and leaders are split as to the wisdom of the ongoing effort to recall Democrat Gov. Gray Davis. Some believe the potential success is worth the risk while others say the smart move is to put the party's resources into carrying the state for George W. Bush and defeating Democrat Sen. Barbara Boxer in 2004. Looking beyond the next election to 2006, when Davis cannot run again, the news that national security adviser Condoleezza Rice may be considering a run for the state's top office has some Republicans very excited.
Rice, the first black woman to serve as national security adviser, is the former provost of California's Stanford University who polls very well with voters in state opinion polls. According to a story in the Feb. 27 San Francisco Chronicle, Rice "has 'talked specifically' to high level GOP insiders about the possibility of running" for governor in 2006. The story by Carla Marinucci cites an unidentified Republican insider who says, "She said no to the (2004) Senate race but is very much more open to '06." UPI
Although Clinton's name was never revealed at a hearing in federal court in Manhattan on Friday, his answers, read aloud in the courtroom, provided the giveaway. Under previous jobs held, the respondent answered President of the United States. He also wrote that he thought he could be fair and impartial, despite his ``unusual experience with the O.I.C.,'' or Office of Independent Counsel. [That's hilarious, oh impeached one]
David E. Kendall, Clinton's lawyer, said that Clinton is ready and willing to serve. ``The former president is subject to jury duty, he's done his part, and if selected he would serve,'' Kendall told The New York Times in Saturday editions.
Federal prosecutors and the attorney for the defendant, Dushon Foster, disagreed about whether Prospective Juror No. 142 should be selected for the case. Foster is charged with attempted murder in an alleged gang shooting and could face life in prison, if convicted.
``Any particular question in Questionnaire 142 that you want to direct me to?'' Judge Naomi Reice Buchwald asked the prosecutors, the Times reported. ``All of them, judge,'' a prosecutor, Daniel M. Gitner, said.
``I suspect there has never been anyone who answered yes to so many questions and survived the voir dire process,'' said Buchwald, referring to the next step in the jury selection process -- a personal interview that prospective jurors who were not removed by the judge would undergo. Defense lawyer Roger L. Stavis, disagreed with the prosecution and said that No. 142 should not be immediately disqualified.
But Buchwald, who was appointed by Clinton in 1999, appeared to agree with the prosecutors, citing concerns about sensationalism. ``To have Juror 142 here, with Secret Service protection is to, it seems to me, undermine our efforts to keep the case focused quietly on the evidence,'' the Times cited Buchwald as saying. Buchwald said if she changed her mind, she would let the prosecutors and defense attorney know by Monday
It's an amazing example of his narsicism, self-importance, and spin. He talks, and talks, and talks...but doesn't say anything. Though the answers are long and boring, it's interesting how he always brings every topic back to himself.
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