FRegards,
Slugger
Posted on 02/07/2003 9:30:49 PM PST by mhking
INSTRUCTIONS FOR
GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1 ) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm hoiding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop at furniture store on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
FRegards,
Slugger
I'm in tears right now...
Pick up cat while speaking softly to it and rubbing it from this head to the base of the tail.
When the cat raises it's tail, as they always do, quickly jam the pill into the cats rectum. Simultaneously, release the cat forcefully in the opposite direction, preferably within 2 or 3 feet of a solid object taking care that the cats forehead strikes the aforementioned solid object with some force.
While the cat is recovering momentarily from the blow to the head, quickly seat yourself on your couch or easy chair as if nothing at all has happened.
9 times out of 10, the cat will shake his head a few times, turn around and begin to lick his posterior as if nothing happened.
He doesn't want to admit that he let just you get away with shoving a pill up his ass, and you sure as hell don't want to the cat to remember that you just shoved a pill up his ass.
As a result, everyone seems to be happy with this method in my house, other than my wife of course.
But what can I say, it works for me.
L
Give the cat some white wine, then, when it's calm and has the munchies, feed it the pill on a cracker spread with peanut butter.
It doesn't take much wine (maybe a half teaspoon on a saucer), and it never seemed to have any ill effects on my boss's Manx. The nasty cat was 12 years old when I was entrusted with "pill duty," and last I knew, it was still going strong at 18.
They say a glass of wine a day is good for you . . .(actually, that's how I got talked into pill duty in the first place)
gotta love Fred!
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