JOKE THREAD

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assistant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota"
asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just wh**es and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

The following is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers.

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs... Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.

"The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr.Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

John Walker Lindh had just arrived in Afghanistan after spending months in Yemen attending terrorist school and he was ready for some companionship.

"Are there any women around this camp?" he asked one of his mates. "It's been a long time since I, uh,...you know...."

"Just wait til Saturday," was the response.

Finally Saturday rolled around and Lindh was woken up from a deep sleep by shouts and the sound of footsteps. He looked outside the tent and saw a herd of camels being ushered into the compound. Men from all directions were sprinting toward the animals and would grab one and start doin' the deed.

Suddenly he understood what was going on and asked a rebel why everyone was running. "After all," he said, "they're just camels."

"Yes, but you don't want to get stuck with an ugly one!"

Tips to Northerners About Southerners !
HERE IN THE SOUTH.....

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.

This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.......
Don't buy food at this store.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or Child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people > are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern > expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big 'ol,"
truck or "big 'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.
You just have to go there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Bi-Coastal Boobs - If You Come to Midwest,KnowThis
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross into states such as Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska, the Tourism Councils in those states have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwesterner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the states.

1. That slope-shouldered farm body did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road". No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi, we got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us when a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13 inch trout you fish for - "bait".

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an Idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

11. So, you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use four weeks a year.

12. Let's get it straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too - and turtle. Your really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 69 goes two ways. State Road 24 goes the other two. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

19. That Officer, be it Conservation Officer, sheriff deputy, city police, or highway patrol that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot - his name is "Sir".

You Might Be A Runner If...

..you move to a new neighborhood and after 3 months you know the streets better than your neighbor after 3 years.
..your shoes have more miles on them than your car does.
..you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper.
..you have chafing in strange places.
..people say, "You run three miles...at once?"
..you can spit while running.
..you go to a golf course to run.
..your temper is shorter that the distance that you ran.
..you combine phrases like "10 mile run" and "Easy Run" in the same breath.
..you can eat your weight in spaghetti.
..your highest heels are your training shoes.
..you debate the advantages of anti-perspirent vs. deoderant.
..you start the race in shorts and finish in a G-string.
..if you schedule dates around meets.
..you spend more on training clothes than school clothes.
..you wear those same training clothes to school regularly.
..your chest is as flat as your back.
..your Saturdays for the next 4 years are ruined.
..you have to run around in the shower to get wet.
..you were asked to be an extra for Schindler's List II.
..your favorite food group is carbohydrates.
..you can strip and change in a bus seat in less than 2 minutes.
..you have trouble benching the bar.
..when you do bad you get to play longer.
..you find yourself in the middle of a football player's joke.
..you are always hungry.
..you have no life besides running.
..your weekends are shot.
..you can sharpen an axe blade on your calves.
..the cafeteria ladies look good in the morning.
..you can maintain a 5:30 pace uphill while throwing up.
..you try to impress girls by saying you're a fast finisher.
..you are bankrolling your physical therapist's next vacation.
..your girlfriend can bench more than you.
..you own spandex in more than 1 color.
..you foam at the mouth everytime you see a big hill.
.."Chariots of Fire" is actually entertaining to you.
..You know the distance to and from work/the gym/the local taqueria down to the closest 100 yards.
..Talking about the color of your p!ss comes as natural as talking about the weather.
..You have no qualms about taking a Sharpee and writing all over a brand new pair of $80 shoes.
..You have no qualms about throwing out those same shoes only a month after buying them.
..You get a haircut before a race but not before a big date.
..Your feet look like you've spent 10 years in a Vietnamese POW camp.
..You eat 5 squares a day and limit snacking to 5 times a day too.
..You know how many grams of carbs there are in a banana.
..You wash your shorts in the shower.
..a football game has 12:57 remaining and all you think is that would be awesome if that was my 5k PR.
..you are from the US and you think in terms of meters not feet or yards
..all your white shirts have mud spots up the back of them
..while everyone is sleeping you are up running, and while everyone is awake you are sleeping
..you are up watching ESPN at 2am (when they actually show the race coverage)
..you know every PR you have ran at every distance, even your friends', teammates', and idols' PRs.. to the tenth of a second... not to mention of weeks back...but you have trouble remembering things like your phone number or your mom's birthday
..you have 5% bodyfat yet you don't live in Somalia
..you feel one second is a lot of time
..People are always asking if you're sick
..You're insulted when someone mentions how healthy you look
..You understand the speed limit signs in Canada
..You can name a person from Namibia, Djibouti and Zimbabwe
..You've said "she'd be one hell of a pole vaulter" at a strip club
..Your school notebooks are covered with split times
.."Forrest Gump" really p!ssed you off (like he wouldn't have gotten shin splints) HELL YEAH...
..You know more about the treadmills than anyone who works at the gym
..The doctor fell asleep during your stress test
..You buy a box of cereal for each day of the week
..On trips you gauge distance left by how many "long runs" it equals
..4 minutes is a sacred duration of time

(I posted this 5/23/2000, true stories from Rush Limbaugh, but fits perfectly in this thread)

POST FAVORITE HILLARY & BILL STORY HERE

Government Humor
Posted on 05/23/2000 16:17:33 PDT by Las Vegas Dave

HILLARY:
My favorite of all time is, a few years back Rush stated that Hillary Clinton told a group that she was named after Sir Edmond Hillary, the climber of Mt. Everest!

Rush continued, "It seems that Hillary was born around 1947, and Sir Edmond climbed Mt. Everest around 1952". Rush continues, “...if she was named after Sir Edmond in 1947, she would have been named after an obscure bee keeper from New Zealand!"

BILL:
One of my favorite Bill stories is from the early 1993, (and I believe this one is also from Rush).
Bill was holding a press conference and one of the questions was, "...how will you answer the Republicans?" At that moment, POTUS seized the opportunity to end the press conference, turned around, and passed gas. POTUS's comment to the press, "They've been answered". (Or words to that effect!)

OK, ok, I have to post this one. It's a Jesus/Jew joke but it got guffaws from the local minister and rabbai at dinner.

Jesus is getting ready to start his ministry and needs a new cloak. He asks around to find out where to get the best deal on a good cloak. EVERYBODY tells him to go to Goldbloom's of Nazareth, so he does.

Jesus walks in and sees Goldbloom taking an order from another client. Goldbloom's wife Sarah and daughter Ester are weaving the cloth. His son Abraham is busily sewing away. When the other customer leaves, Jesus explains that he needs a cloak to start his ministry. Goldbloom takes his measurements and tells him that it will be five weeks. "But I'm leaving tomorrow," says Jesus.

"Look," says Goldbloom, "My wife and daughter are weaving, my son is sewing and I'm taking orders. It'll be five weeks. We have the best cloaks in Israel. Tell me where you'll be in five weeks and I'll send it to you." "OK, let me pay you now." "Pay me the next time you are in town, you have an honest face."

Five weeks later, Jesus is preaching when a HBS (Hebrew Package Service) delivery person comes up to him and asks him to sign for a package. Jesus signs and opens the package. Inside is the most beautiful, well made cloak he has ever seen. He tries it on and it fits perfectly. As he preachs around the Holy Land, everyone comes up to him and says, "Jesus, where did you get that great cloak?" Jesus says, "Goldbloom's of Nazareth."

Three month's later, Jesus is back in Nazareth and goes to pay Goldbloom for the cloak. Goldbloom says, "No way! I've got money coming in hand over fist and you want to pay for a cloak? Look, my wife and daughter aren't weaving. I have six girls to do the weaving. My son isn't sewing. He's studying Torah at Bethlehem U. I have three young men sewing in his place. I can barely take the orders. You are the best advertising I can imagine."

Jesus says, "It is a wonderful cloak. I feel bad about not paying for it." Goldbloom says, "I tell you what, we'll go into business together. I'll take the orders and make the cloaks, you do the advertising. We'll split the profits 50-50. We'll call it 'Goldbloom and Jesus'." Jesus thought a moment and said, "I'm better known, we should call it 'Jesus and Goldbloom.'" "Goldbloom and Jesus." "Jesus and Goldbloom." Back and forth, forth and back.

Finally Goldbloom shouts, "Wait, I've got it! We'll call it "Lord and Tailor."

A leap of faith does not mean bungee jumping with a Bible.

Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)
LonePalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)


An old lady was somewhat lonely, and decided
  that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off
  to the pet shop she went.
  
Forlornly, she searched.
  Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this
  one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was
  in, he looked up and winked at her!
  
He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you
  won't be sorry." The old Lady figured, what the
  heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she
  bought the frog and went to her car.
  
Driving down the road the frog whispered to her,
  "Kiss me, you won't be sorry." So, the old lady
  figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
  Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely
  gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the
  prince kissed her back, and you know what the old
  lady turned into?
  
come on, guess.........

The first motel she could find.
 (She's old, not dead!)

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