Posted on 07/09/2002 2:01:58 PM PDT by Drew68
From the Teen-ager Owner's Manual:
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teen-age daughter. Please read this manual, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
If you feel you have received your teen-ager in error: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teen-age girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
Break-in period: When you receive your teen-age daughter, you will experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety and stress. Once you have adapted, your teen-ager will start acting even worse.
Activation: To activate your teen-age daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone.
Shutdown: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teen-age daughter. There is no way to do this.
Cleaning your teen-age daughter: Having a teen-age daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teen-age daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase because, like, I'm sure I'm going to use, like, the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teen-agers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
Feeding your teen-age daughter: Your teen-age daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is, like, so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants. Either order take-out food or just give her the money - preferably both.
Clothing your teen-age daughter: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teen-age daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer.
Other maintenance: Teen-age daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High" and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
Warranty: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teen-age daughter will remain a teen-ager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teen-age daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.
W. Bruce Cameron's column appears Saturday in Home Front. www.wbrucecameron.com
Agreed. With a teenage boy, you only have to worry about one penis. With a daughter, you have to worry about all of them
ROTFLMAO!
Most succinct! All prospective boyfriends get introduced to my gun collection upon first visit to the house!
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. 1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________ 2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________ 5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________ 6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________ If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________ 7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________ 8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________ (If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises ) 9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?____________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 10. In 50 words or lest, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________ 11. In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE" mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________ 12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________ 13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________ 14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone-ever-I promise.) a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________ b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________ c) A woman's place is in the ________________________________________ d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________ e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________ ( NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.) 15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________ I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. ________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron) Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back) |
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