A 'Marriage Strike' Emerges As Men Decide Not To Risk Loss

The Philadelphia Inquirer ^ | July 5, 2002 | Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson

[buccaneer81]

A 'marriage strike' emerges as men decide not to risk loss

By Glenn Sacks and Dianna Thompson

Katherine is attractive, successful, witty, and educated. She also can't find a husband. Why? Because most of the men this thirtysomething software analyst dates do not want to get married. These men have Peter Pan syndrome: They refuse to commit, refuse to settle down, and refuse to "grow up."

However, given the family court policies and divorce trends of today, Peter Pan is no naive boy, but instead a wise man.

"Why should I get married and have kids when I could lose those kids and most of what I've worked for at a moment's notice?" asks Dan, a 31-year-old power plant technician who says he will never marry.

"I've seen it happen to many of my friends. I know guys who came home one day to an empty house or apartment - wife gone, kids gone. They never saw it coming. Some of them were never able to see their kids regularly again."

Census figures suggest that the marriage rate in the United States has dipped 40 percent during the last four decades to its lowest point since the rate was measured. There are many plausible explanations for this trend, but one of the least mentioned is that American men, in the face of a family court system hopelessly stacked against them, have subconsciously launched a "marriage strike."

It is not difficult to see why. Let's say that Dan defies Peter Pan, marries Katherine, and has two children. There is a 50 percent likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does, the odds are 2-1 it will be Katherine, not Dan, who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that Dan was a decent husband. Studies show that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.

While the courts may grant Dan and Katherine joint legal custody, the odds are overwhelming that it is Katherine, not Dan, who will win physical custody. Overnight, Dan, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will become a "14 percent dad" - a father who is allowed to spend only one out of every seven days with his own children.

Once Katherine and Dan are divorced, odds are at least even that Katherine will interfere with Dan's visitation rights.

Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.

Katherine will keep the house and most of the couple's assets. Dan will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take-home pay to Katherine in child support.

As bad as all of this is, it would still make Dan one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.

He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.

He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system's endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back.

"It's a shame," Dan says. "I always wanted to be a father and have a family. But unless the laws change and give fathers the same right to be a part of their children's lives as mothers have, it just isn't worth the risk."

Dianna Thompson is the founder and executive director of the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. She can be contacted by e-mail at DThompson2232@aol.com. Glenn Sacks writes about gender issues from the male perspective. He invites readers' comments at Glenn@GlennSacks.com.

[Chemnitz]

I know a case where the bride's mother said at the wedding, "You can always live with us if it doesn't work out." The husband came home from a trip with a basement full of water, no wife and kids (two). She left him. And there were no significant problems. They had plenty of money and a great future at a very good company.

In another case, the groom's mother suggested that another couple break up (don't you love her need to run the whole world?). Her son (the groom) slugged his wife, who jailed him and left with their baby. He lived with any older woman and now is married. His step-son is almost his age.

A lot of in-laws are monsters dedicated to wrecking marriages. Why, I don't know.

Also, our society's dedication to promiscuity has ruined the concept of marriage. Ever hear a honeymoon joke now? Never, because most couples live together for years before they marry. And the couples often do not take a honeymoon because there is no reason for it.

I think the movement to make sure everyone has multiple partners before marriage has eliminated any sense of bonding. The WWII generation married for life, almost to a person. Now people are impressed if someone makes it past 20 years of marriage.

I don't blame the women alone. Perhaps they do file at a 2 to 1 ratio. But what does that prove by itself? Men are still filing for divorce at a high rate. Plenty of older and well established men have left their wives and children so they can marry their young girlfriends. What has that done to a generation of embittered children? I doubt they are as "sophisticated" and "understanding" as people imagine.

[independentmind]

Actually, I was talking about the posts.

[independentmind]

Also, our society's dedication to promiscuity has ruined the concept of marriage.

Ah, so finally someone makes a perceptive comment.

[Jhoffa_]

I don't see any whining..

But I do see a bunch of people who are begining to question commiting to what ammounts to a suicide pact.

(And I only post this because it's true.. Actually, I have no problems with mariage. But, I can certainly understand those people who do. they have a valid point that smarmy little posts like yours do nothing to diminish.)

[SSN558]

"they've got a chip on their shoulder as big as Texas "

It's not got as much with the children as you might imagine. There is a lasting stigma associated with collecting welfare or child support. A large number of people that work for a living "e.g. middle class", have always resented those that get a free ride, courtsey of their income tax with holdings.

Women who choose to go the welfare and child support route are generally left with a small pool of men to select from. It is the pool of men who have no work ethic, "aka losers". I am sure there are exceptions, but as a rule it matches my observations pretty good.

[meyer]

If men complain about getting robbed by a failed divorce system and unscrupulous women, its to be considered "whining". Me thinks somebody wants to keep the nuke next to her bed to use as a weapon. Can't let those "whiners" take away a legal permit to steal.

[Nowhere Man]

In a way it is. A woman knows that if she has a child she will get welfare or child support and need not work for a living so this encourages women to take no precautions and even encourages them to deceive men into producing children.

That's about it. I know one of my buddies is going with a girl who has been married twice (still married to #2), have three kids, one to #1 (9 years old), one to #2 (22 months), and one to a 3rd guy (4 months). She's 36 and still lives with her parents but wants to move out on her own. The answer to the next question most will ask me is "yes." For those of you who don't know the question, it is "is she on welfare?" So she is looking for subsidized housing and so far as I know, she wants him to move in with her. IMHO, I think my friend is making a bad mistake with her, but I don't think it will last 'till the end of the year knowing the stability of her relationships. Still she keeps him on a short leash. It takes everything to hold back from saying, "dude, you're making a big mistake." I try to nudge a little, but there have been losses of a few friends from our circle because of it and I think it will crash anyhoo, I hope, so I want to be there for him.

Why should some women get married? Heck, they can go out and "shag" with some guy for what they want. If he quits being a money machine, move along to the next one. If she has kids, no problem there is welfare and subsiidized housing. If she wants more, well she can go out and "shag" again.

Why should some men get married? If there are women out there willing, well they can get it for free? As somebody said, "if the milk is free, why buy the cow?"

I'm not saying that everybody is that way and of that thought, from here and many other places, there are plenty of responsible people out there, maybe you don't always see it, the "Jerry Springer Crowd" is very visible and vocal, but there are times I wonder if Western Civilization is teetering on the brink.

Myself, I'll be 36 Monday, a freelance web designer starting out on my own plus I work for a client as well. I live at home with my mother, but I don't freeload, I drop my share of shekels in the pot and help out at home.

Sometimes if there is welfare out there supporting people like I illustrated above, makes me wonder why I continue to work? Still I wasn't brought up to suck money from the State (actually from working people) or "shag" every girl I meet. I never really dated much, I want to get my house in order first, but who knows, I hope to meet Miss Right someday.

[Jhoffa_]

Can't let those "whiners" take away a legal permit to steal.

Exactly..

(Or kill. Remember, till they are born your children aren't "yours" They can be legally murdered.)

[independentmind]

There are still millions of happy marriages in this country. How do you account for them? Maybe the secrets to a happy marriage should be studied...

[Tennessee_Bob]

It takes everything to hold back from saying, "dude, you're making a big mistake."

Then do him a favor and stop holding back. I honestly wish that the troops I worked with and the folks around me had been more vocal than they were.

[Bonaparte]

There have actually been books written on how to prepare, long in advance, for these custody/asset battles. Some of them are so cold-bloodedly devious, they shock even me! I once glossed through one of these while browsing a bookstore. It advised the reader to take the initiative in filing for divorce, putting the spouse on the defensive, taking him/her completely by surprise and leaving his/her counsel with minimal time to prepare. The author emphasized that the adversary's friends and relatives would all be called to testify and that some or even many of them would be biased -- a few wouldn't hesitate to actually lie under oath. Therefore, he suggested that the plan of attack should include the stockpiling of evidence in anticipation of discrediting them as well as the spouse. He went on to remind his reader that reality had nothing to do with these contests -- only the impression produced for the benefit of the judge.

[nygoose]

There are warning signs during the deterioration of a marriage. Perhaps men ignore those signs intentionally, are beyond the point of caring, or feel that there is nothing that can be done. Whatever the reasons, it is always sad and hurtful to all concerned.

[maui_hawaii]

BTW, true love is waving to your wife as they wheel you into sugery, and you know that she's going to be there when you wake up.

Agree 100%, however I also must say I have never met any female of my age group who even remotely gives me such confidence in them.

[Jhoffa_]

There are still millions of happy marriages in this country. How do you account for them?

I don't.

Because as I said, your timy minded posts do nothing to diminish the valid complaints of these people.

[buccaneer81]

Do your friend a favor and e-mail him this thread. You'll be saving him a bundle for the next eighteen years.

[maui_hawaii]

No whining at all. Either play by the rules, or get ditched. There won't even be a conversation about it.

[Luke21]

And nobody has even mentioned the men falsely accused of sexual harassment for crossing a female co-worker.

[nygoose]

The best thing is that you are now happy!

[philomath]

1) how much due diligence was performed on these wives? Were the main criteria used how good she was in bed and what she looked like in a bathing suit? (If male readers of FR consider other criteria, you would never know it from their posts.)

perhaps you're reading a different thead: i don't see a whole lot of sex-n-bikini talk here. i do note some serious consideration of a strong legal bias against men when married, some anecdotes, and some occasionally insightful scriptural references.
i don't forsee this problem going away by some simple prescription for "due diligence" toward the bride-to-be.

[independentmind]

Well this will be last my post to you. Smarmy and tiny-minded persons such as myself have nothing useful to say, after all.

The single biggest factor in having a successful marriage is the commitment of each partner to make sure that the marriage works. That means it's your top priority. And if you doubt me, go do some research on the subject. Or better yet, go talk to some people who are happily married (hopefully, you know some).