SLUG ON A SOFA MALE INACTION FIGURE

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

Ahhh...love. Is anything so sweet?

And then the intense, gut-wrenching, cut-the-crotches-from-all-of-his-pants, have-his-prize-stud-hunting-dog-neutered, set-his-Corvette-on-fire, burn-an-effigy-in-his-honor kind of hate.

But I digress...

You were dating each other for weeks, months, or years and finally...finally he pops the question! And YES, a HUGE (yet only slightly gaudy) diamond engagement ring is presented on bended knee. It was simple then - the ease, the clear logistics, not to mention the economics...after all, it is silly for you both to be paying rent, utilities, etc., when he practically lives at your place to begin with.

And before you know it, you are sucked into the vortex of cardboard boxes, sharing the ultimate goal of living together with no intention of propagating.

Cohabitation. Playing House. Sin City. Your new very best friends include Chad from accounting, because he has a truck, and your sister's husband's uncle's nephew's friend from 3rd grade, because he has a trailer.

Life is heavenly as you are busily making plans for that wedding, perhaps sewing some new curtains for your comfy cottage...

And of course you don't mind working 120 hours a week, keeping the house neat as a pin, cooking those delicious eight-course meals, and home-schooling his children so that he can go to medical school and not have to tax his brain with any additional worries. You don't mind going without those little things in life...like electricity. And heck, the pay phone is only 17 blocks away!

One day...yes, one day your life would be pure and utter bliss. All of the work would certainly pay off when he becomes Chief of Surgery...

Think of those romantic dinners at home you are certain to share...



...before being whisked off for a night at the opera!


The winter vacation in Aspen you have always dreamed of!


Cruising in the Bahamas!


And of course you will already be a pro by the time he gets those Wednesdays off since you have been managing to squeeze in those golf lessons between your job at the nuclear power plant, taking little junior to his Baby Karate lessons, picking up the drycleaning, volunteering at the shelter, and your job with Acme Industries packaging anvils!


You know he has a kind heart...he tells you about all of the little old ladies he helps with their automotive woes on his way home from a grueling shift at the hospital.

Yes, your life will be perfect...

And then...

...it happens.

You wake up one day and realize the man you married for better or worse has gotten worse...really, way worse. You wonder if what you wake up to each day, with the morning breath that makes kissing the neighbor's Saint Bernard (who just ate something very old and very dead in your backyard) a far more appealing venture, was possibly covered in that "worse" category. Sickness, health...that stuff you can understand, but nowhere do you recall there being any mention of apathy, disgust, ESPN, or loving this man after he has eaten baked beans and/or sauerkraut, thinking that trapping you under the blankets while he emits gas is incredibly funny. How did things get to this point? Where did your husband/significant other go?

It started innocently enough. He would make himself a snack and leave the kitchen a mess.



He started to show signs of letting things slip...like his pants.


Perhaps he was over-imbibing...a lot.


Maybe you noticed a complete neglect of his usually unparagoned grooming habits.


His idea of entertaining your party guests changed from discussions of Kierkegaard and existentialism to slightly less sophisticated antics...

THESE ARE ALL CLASSIC SIGNS!

BEWARE!

RUN NOW! RUN FAST! REALLY FAST!! REALLY, REALLY FAST!!

You're still here???

The scene below is not for the squeamish. You may wish to remove small children from the room before viewing. If you have a heart condition, please consult your doctor prior to viewing. Please secure loose objects and keep your hands inside the car at all times.

Now remember, you did ask for it...

Welcome to Bliss! Pure, unadulterated Bliss...

THE SLUG ON THE SOFA MALE INACTION FIGURE


If you are the lucky(???) winning bidder of this auction, you will receive this one-of-a-kind object d'art depicting the regression of the Homo-Erectus into the Homo-Disgustus.

Your Slug On The Sofa Inaction Figurine comes jam-packed with features certain to keep you enthralled for hours!

RECEDING HAIRLINE WITH TYPICAL MALE PATTERN BALDNESS!! Remaining hair comes accented with the wiry grey stuff that feels like a barbeque grill brush to the touch!


UNIBROW AND ABUNDANT EAR-HAIR! Well, the hair that used to be on his head had to go somewhere! Please note: Over-active ear hair growth is NOT a valid reason that he can't seem to hear you - especially when the Superbowl, World Series, or Indy 500 is on tv! (Also see: PLUSH SHOULDER AND BACK HAIR)


PLUSH BACK AND SHOULDER HAIR! Imagine running your fingers through that! Makes me all tingly just thinking about it!


WIGGLY JIGGLY BEER BELLY! With special bonus belly button lint!!

ULTRA FURRY LEGS! Your Slug On The Sofa Inaction Figurine is new and improved to include special limited edition Neanderthal Man leg hair!

Complete Inaction Man Wardrobe! Basketball shirt that he claims fits him as well now as it did in 11th grade (the fact that he can get it over his head qualifies it as "fitting"). Remember that expensive designer pair of jogging pants you bought for him last Christmas, your vain effort to actually get him to even walk through the house? Well he cut the legs off two days after receiving them, and they are now his "best" shorts with peek-a-boo holes that if worn in public, would get him arrested in 22 states. The lucky socks he wore in last year's annual Moose Lodge bowling Tournament, and have not been removed from his feet ever since - he would certainly be struck by lightning if he ever took them off!

Your SLUG ON THE SOFA INACTION FIGURINE also includes these accessories:



The Couch - a must-have souvenir from his fraternity! Holes accented with duct tape with a don't-try-and-sit-next-to-me-during-the-playoffs spring!



Coffee Table - Once a haven for "Architectural Digest" and "Better Homes and Gardens" magazines, now a depository for miscellaneous sharp objects, old issues of "National Geographic" with educational nudie pictures, remnants of all meals eaten in the last two weeks, and a giant chew toy for Sparky, the dog he promised to train, and who just ate all of the toes out of your shoes.

Off-the-hook phone so the mother-in-law can't call while he is watching the big game.

Cell phone for the really important calls...like from his bookie or any one of the number of friends who feel the need to alert him when pitchers of beer are only $2.50 at the topless bar. This is one of the very rare occasions when the SLUG ON THE SOFA INACTION FIGURE may actually leave the domicile...of course he will tell you he is running to the store for some completely unnecessary item, and then not return for hours, sometimes days...often without the car, having forgotten where he left it.

Laptop computer so that he can carry on his torrid online affair with "Sheena69" in the adult chat room where he is known as "Dr. Stud."


Little Timmy! His version of quality-time with his son - duct-taped diaper, a bottle of chocolate syrup and an introduction to WWF & NASCAR. With any luck, you should be able to pry Little Timmy loose from cigar-burned, food-stained, ultra-shag rug in time for 1st grade.

Big Screen TV - He put off that dental work to buy it and cried tears of joy when it was delivered. It now needs rabbit ears and five pounds of foil to pick up even the closest local stations after the cable was cut off when he forgot to pay the bill for six months. If he checked under the cushions of the couch, he would find more than enough change to pay the cable bill for two years.

Miscellaneous Sporting Equipment to show the world he is truly a jock, though his last sports-related injury was a slight groin-pull when he tripped over the dog retrieving the remote from the top of the tv when you weren't home for the usual...

Him: "Have you seen the remote?

You: "No. I don't even go in that room for fear of contracting some garbage-induced disease!"

Him: "Well, I can't find it."

You: "Have you actually looked?"

Him: "Of course I looked! Do you think I don't do ANYTHING around here???"

You: (peeking in from the other room, pointing while covering your mouth and nose to avoid the smelly sock and shoe aroma, trying not to vomit) "It's right there...on top of the tv!"

Him: "Oh. Would you mind bringing it to me...you are so much closer to it than I am" (by approximately two inches).

Assorted and Sundry Rubble & Rubbish including beer cans, newspaper from three years ago and the petrified can of paint from 1987 when he promised to paint the bathroom!

All accessories are securely mounted on a fabulous hunk of wood and covered in shellac-like varnish to preserve it for many years to come! Proudly display it on your mantel-piece! Use it as an exhibit in your impending divorce case! Great to show the kiddies - prevent the relationship and you won't have to even worry about the birth control talk!!

Your SLUG ON THE SOFA MALE INACTION FIGURE also comes with a high-quality doll stand so he can be displayed on his own! Stand him on your desk as a reminder of the jerk who dumped you...you know the one, invitations sent and then he decides that he is "confused" and is really sorry, but the wedding is off.

Smile knowing that he is someone else's slug now...

Mr. Slug also looks great as an accent piece in any cluttered area of your home...the messier and dustier the better! Would make a wonderful Father's Day gift! Wouldn't dad be thrilled to be immortalized in art?!

Now for the not so fine print stuff!

PAYMENT:

• PayPal
• Money Order
• Cashier Check
• Personal Check - May be held up to 10 days for clearance
• Cash at your own risk

Priority Mail shipping and handling with confirmation is an additional $6.00 to anywhere in the US! I am always happy to combine items to help you save money on shipping!!

I ship Monday through Thursday, but am flexible if you are in a situation where you really, really, really, gotta-have-it-now, going to die without it and can sometimes manage to get to the post office on Fridays and/or Saturdays too. Global Priority rates are also available. Please feel free to email me at: bunnie_so_sweet@yahoo.com for rates, questions and comments!!

EANIE-BEANIE-TEENIE-TINY-GET-ME-MY-GLASSES DISCLAIMER
While the doll shown above is who you think he is, I am not using his name. Though many have successfully gone to court with that big toy manufacturer debating their right to use those dolls and their names in artwork (which of course this is! Can't you tell?!) I do not have the time, energy or the big bucks necessary to hire a Johnny Cochran-type lawyer to get me off the hook. While I was not severely injured in the production of SLUG ON THE SOFA MALE INACTION FIGURE, I did stub my toe and burned my pinky finger removing him from the oven and my dog ate a spare arm, but that came out ok. While "SLUG" is the ultimate in INACTION FIGURINES, he can be removed from his natural habitat, but please take care to keep him in fresh dust and debris for best results and longer life. Because the thought of actually cleaning his sanctuary is a very foreign concept to him, all furniture (except the big screen tv), accessories, food and rubble are also cemented in place. Please note: Lucky winning bidder has the option of customizing (at no additional charge) the "artwork" with genuine spilled beer scent (I have a six-pack and I'm not afraid to use it!) Clothing has been glued on to give SLUG MAN a little modesty - please do not purchase if you merely want to take off his outfit and sneak a peek at his goodies (if you are at all familiar with the "anatomy" of these dolls, you will already know that there are no goodies to peek at). Additional dolls, clothing, and accessories in supplemental pictures are not included. Why are Mr. and Mrs. Slug living in apparent squallor? Why is Mrs. Slug still working 120 hour weeks? Well, Mr. Slug lost his license to practice medicine when he accidentally performed an autopsy on an appendectomy patient and blew their savings on his gambling, Percocet and Twinkie addictions as well as some poor investments (who could forget the Acme Pocket Colonoscopy endeavor or the condos built on Mt. Vesuvius). Some dolls identities' have been masked to protect their privacy. All text and pictures are the property of me, please do not use without permission unless you wish to make me cry. Thank you for your time, now please BID! What are you waiting for? HURRY! Do it now before you forget!!

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

The first thread was pulled because it had information that FR didn't allow. This is the repost with all offending material removed.

[cmsgop]

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

My Wife just pointed at the screen and said....See , See , Thats You!!!!!!!! LOL!

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

it's back

[pubmom]

ROTFLOL!

[McLynnan]

Haha! Thank you for the laugh. Be back later -- off to check my husband for new, mysterious hair growth now that I know it's a precursor of Slug on a Sofa. Anybody have an EpiLady I can borrow?

[Hillary's Lovely Legs]

Here's a new one for you to bookmark

[sawsalimb]

Bless you,my dear!

[Carolina]

IHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Too close to reality.

[BigWaveBetty]

My ex-husband will pose for anybody to take pictures and then let them sell it on e-bay. At least he's stopped walking the streets in womens clothing!

[NYpeanut]

This is the repost with all offending material removed.

I dunno...a lot of what's left is pretty offensive, too. 'Scuse me while I go look at my Mel Gibson poster and clear my head.

[herewego]

too damn funny!!!

[HairOfTheDog]

It's so romantic...

[Servant of the Nine]

The first thread was pulled because it had information that FR didn't allow. This is the repost with all offending material removed.

How do I get a copy of the offending material? LOL

So9

[Inge_CAV]

Say, none of this will ever happen to me.

Only drink a little beer, watch a few sports programs and sometimes get the dirty clothes inside a hamper......... : )

[mlmr]

Twas wonderful, How do I get offending material?

[habs4ever]

Wonderful, lotsa laffs...

[HairOfTheDog]

hee hee - sure!

I must say she is keeping herself up wonderfully. Eek! I better get my butt to the gym...
and the plastic surgeon in no particular order.

[Inge_CAV]

Just for you...;~)

.

[sweetliberty]

ROTFLMBO!!