Redneck Guide to Etiquette

A centerpiece for the dining table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Especially if it's more appetizing than the meal. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table--no matter how good his manners are. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. (They might be for a friend or relative of hers or her family.) Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Yes, unless you are the groom. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

Drunk in the Bar

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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