Crouching Gollum, Hidden Balrog

sourcery | 26 April 2002 | sourcery

[sourcery]

Here's a fun game to play: Come up with alternate titles for the Lord of the Rings movie, that would be appropriate in some hypothetical (contrary-to-fact) case. As examples, I will provide my entries:

1. If Marlon Brando had been cast as Sauron, and Al Pacino as Saruman: The Orcfather.
2. If the movie had been filmed in China: Crouching Gollum, Hidden Balrog.
3. If Stanley Kubrick had been the director: 2001: A Middle-Earth Odyssey.
4. If Spielberg had directed: Elf Encounters of the Trite Kind.
5. If Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd and Rick Moranis had starred: Orcbusters.
6. If Tim Burton had directed, and Jack Nicholson had played Gandalf: Mordor Attacks!
7. With Tim Curry as Sauron: The Raunchy Mordor Picture Show.
8. With Brad Pitt as a reluctant Ringwraith: Interview with a Nazgul.
9. With Tom Cruise as the Witch King: Wight Club.
10. Directed by Hitchcock: Dial M for Mordor.
11. Animated by Pixar: Either 'Ring Story' or 'Mordor, Inc.'
12. Starring Jimmy Stewart as Frodo: Mr. Frodo Goes to Mordor.
13. Starring Harrison Ford as Frodo: Ring Runner.
14. If the South were Middle Earth: Gondor with the Wind.
15. Starring Marlon Brando and Vivian Leigh, filmed in New Orleans: A Secret Ring Named Desire.
16. Directed by David Lynch: The Oliphont Man.
17. Shot in black and white, starring Billy Bob Thornton: The Hobbit Who Wasn't There.
18. Directed by Ridley Scott: Black Rider Down.
19. Directed by, and also starring, Kevin Costner: Dances with Wargs.
20. Starring Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman: All the Master's Wraiths.
21. In German, with Hitler as Sauron: Das Ring.
22. Robert De Niro and James Woods as Jewish versions of Sauron and Saruman: Once Upon A Time In Middle Earth.
23. With Jody Foster as Arwen and Anthony Hopkins as Saruman: Silence of the Lembas.

[sourcery]

Starring Sean Connery:

1. Dr. Sauron--or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Ring
2. The Lord with the Golden Ring
3. Wizards only live twice
4. From Mordor with Love
5. Evil rings are forever
6. The Rohirrim who loved me
7. Ninefinger

Starring Tom Cruise:

• Bane Man
• Ungolia
• Mithlond Impossible
• Gates Wide Shut
• Days of Thorondor

Inspired by CS Lewis:

1. The Hobbit, the Ring and the Balrog.
2. A Hobbit and his Ring
3. The Voyage of Prince Aragorn and the Last Battle.
4. Out of the Silent Shire
5. Sarumandra
6. That Hideous Ring.

Miscellaneous:

• The Creatures from the Black Gate
• Charge of the Wight Brigade
• A Beautiful Mine (Starring Russel Crowe as Gimli, a Dwarf whose visit to Moria drives him insane)
• A Wight's Tale (starring Heath Ledger as the Witch King)
• Frodo and Sam's Excellent Adventure
• Dude, where's my ring?
• Me, myself and Isildur
• Riding in Carts with Wizards
• Good Orc Hunting
• You've Got Mithril Mail
• The Second Breakfast Club
• What Sauron Wants (starring Mel Gibson)
• Invasion of the Ringsnatchers
• Attack of the Podpeople of Isengard
• One Steward Flew Over The Coocoo's Nest (The Denethor Story)
• Episode one: The Oliphantom Menace
• Merry Pippins
• Full Mithril Jacket
• The Thin Red Eye
• Saving Mr. Baggins

[HairOfTheDog]

LOL! - Very creative! And I couldn't think of a one!

[Overtaxed]

So Far:

Treasure of Moiria Madre
Mordor can Wait

I'll work on it.

[JenB]

Wow, that's really creative. Let me think...

The Ring-masters and The Ring is a Hard Mistress, by Robert Heinlein

Journey to the Center of Middle-Earth and Two Thousand Rings under the Sea, Jules Verne.

Buckleberry Finn, Mark Twain

The Old Maia and the Ring, Ernest Hemingway

Nine Rings from Outer Space

Unbreakable and Memento are good titles just as they are...

[maquiladora]

How about...

Citizen Frodo
The Fisher Ring
North By Northwestfarthing
Good Ring Hunting
Bridge On The River Brandywine
Ring Kong

[sourcery]

Russel Crowe in Gil-Galadiator

[sourcery]

Do any of these entries inspire you to make any graphics?

[GretchenEE]

These are hilarious! Thanks to all who contributed.

[ecurbh]

LOL!!

Great way to start a Monday morning. Thanks for posting these.

[billbears]

46 CDs? An hour on each?

[Cascadians]

Haven't timed each CD. Too busy listening with great enjoyment. He reads Gimli perfecto, but duds on Aragorn. The songs are wonderful!

Package says 52 hours, 46 CDs.
Saving our $$$ to buy The Hobbit and The Silmarillion.

This thread has us in belly laughs!

We take care of ill elderly persons in their homes; they appreciate hearing books on tape (those who are still able to track). So it is a major business treat and a blessing for them (and a welcome distraction from pain and looming death). Nothing like watching a person's first time! :-)

[ksen]

Directed by, and also starring, Kevin Costner: Dances with Wargs.

Directed by, and also starring, Kevin Costner: Dances with Wargs Dud. ;^)

-Kevin

[GretchenEE]

Thanks for the link!

[GretchenEE]

Pathetically, I am on the Hobbit Hole sidebar notices, but didn't remember enough of the title to even click on "Crouching Gollum ... " as I thought the title was very different!

[sourcery]

A Brandywine River Runs Through It
A Clockwork Apple
A Few Good Hobbits
A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Council
A Hobbit For All Seasonings
A Matter Of Life And Death…And Life Again
A Slight Case Of Mordor
A Tale Of Two Towers
About A Hobbit
Adventures In Hobbitsitting
Adventures Of A Lidless Eye
All Not Quiet On The Eastern Front
Along Came A Bloody Great Spider
And Then There Were Eight…No, Seven…No, Eight
Aragorn Elessar Got Married
Attack Of The Killer Cooked Tomatoes!
Bad Day At Black Gates
Bedtime For Bilbo
Big Trouble In Little Gondor
Bilbo Baggins And The Smeagol Kid
Bilbo Baggins' Diary
Black Orc Down
Blame It On Bilbo
Born On The First Of March
Calamity Pippin
Carry On Up The Mountain
Chasing Arwen
Clear And Present Ranger
Close Encounters Of The Third Age Kind
Cool Hand Frodo
Dangerous Mines
Dead Ringers
Dead Wizard Walking
Death And The Maia
Deconstructing Sauron
Desperately Seeking Frodo
Dial M For Mordor
Dirty Rotten Saruman
Do The Ring Thing
Don't Say A Word In The Language Of Mordor
Dr. Saruman Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Ring
Drop Dead Gollum
Dude, Where's My Ring?
Dumb & Dumber (The Story Of Merry And Pippin)
Easy Black Rider
eGGS-is-tenSE (The Story Of Arwen’s Ovulation Cycle After 2,700 Years)
Elf Girls Are Easy
Elves Are Forever
Elvish History X
Enemy At The Black Gates
Eowyn And The King
Eowyn Brockovich
Escape From M.E.
Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Hobbits
Eye Wide Shut
Far Trek III: The Search For Frodo
Fear And Loathing In Las Mordor
Finding Foresters
Fingers/Off
For Me And My Elf
For Your Eye Only
Force 9 From Rivendell
Fried Red Tomatoes
Frodeo Must Die
Frodo & Sam & Merry & Pippin
Frodo & Sam's Bogus Journey
Frodo And Sam Do Mordor
Frodo Baggins And The Cracks Of Doom
Frodo Versus The Volcano
Frodo/Frodoria
Full Mithril Jacket
G.I. Eowyn
Gandalf Lives!
Gentlemen Prefer Elves
Get Shorty (No Change Required)
Goldringfinger
Gollum Fishin'
Gollum Got Fingered
Gondor City Slickers II: The Legend Of Sauron's Gold
Gone With The Ring
Good Frodo Hunting
Gritty City Gang Bang
Guess Who's Coming To Dinner, Supper, Breakfast…
Guys And Elves
History Of Middle Earth: Part I
Hobbit, Interrupted
Hobbithunter
Hobbits Of The Corn
Hobbitz
Hobbitz N The Hood
Hostbusters
I'm Gonna Git You Saruman
In Like Frodo
In The Company Of Elves
Inherit The Ring
It's A Middle Middle Middle Middle Earth
L*O*T*R
Lady Eowyn And The Tramp
Life Of Frodo
Little Big Hobbit
Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Hobbits
Look Who's Stalking
Looking For Mr. Frodo
M.E. Confidential
M.E. Story
Middle Earth Is Not Enough
Mission To Mordor
Mission: Impassable
Mordor Kombat
Mordor Murder Mystery
My Best Ranger's Wedding
My Cousin Merry
Never Give A Smeagol An Even Break
Never Talk To Rangers
Nine To Seven (…And Back To Eight Again)
No Way To Treat A She-Elf
Not Another Hobbit Movie
O Hobbit, Where Art Thou?
Of Lice And Men
Oh, Mr. Frodo!
One Flew Over The Eagle's Nest
One Of Our Fingers Is Missing
One Wedding And Thousands Of Funerals
Orc Day Afternoon
Peeping Tom Bombadil
Radagast Ventura: When Nature Calls
Raiders Of The Lost Ring
Rangers On A Plain
Rangers With Dirty Faces
Reservoir Orcs
Riders In Black
Risky Business Going Out Your Door
Roam Alone: Lost In Mordor
Romancing The Elfstone
Rumble Fishesses
Saruman's Sense Of Snow
Saving Private Frodo
Scent Of A Hobbit
Second Breakfast At Tiffany's
She-Elf's Out Of Control
Single White She-Elf
So I Married An Dwarf Axe Murderer
Southfarthing Tobacco Road
Stop! Or My Elf Will Shoot
Sword? Fish? (The Choices Of Gollum At The Forbidden Pool)
The Adventures Of Galadriel, Queen Of The Noldor
The Bacon Fried Movie
The Bilbo Diaries
The Bridges Of Moria County
The Day Middle Earth Stood Still
The Dear-Hobbit Hunter,
The Dirty Dunadain
The Fabulous Hobbit Boys
The First Great Ring Robbery
The Frying Game
The Healing House Rules
The Hobbit Vanishes
The Hobbit Who Came To Dinner, And Breakfast, And Lunch…
The Hobbit Who Was A Thief
The Hobbit Who Wasn't There
The Hobbit Who Went Up A Mountain But Came Down A Hero
The Hobbitsucker Proxy
The Importance Of Being Eomer
The Invisible Hobbit
The Last Temptation Of Frodo
The Long Good Fry Day
The Longest Dawnless Day
The Madness Of Ring Forged
The Magnificent Nine
The Maia In The Iron Mask
The Maia Without A Face
The Maltese Eagle
The Man With The Silver Sword
The Mirror Crack'd (Up With Laughter After The Radioactive Galadriel Scene)
The Mordor Job
The Naked Civil Hobbit
The Oliphaunt Man
The Past And The Furious
The Ranger Who Loved Me
The Ranger Who Would Be King
The Remains Of The Dawnless Day
The Return Of The Living Wizard
The Roar Of The Woses (my favorite one)
The Second Breakfast Club
The Shady Lunch Movie
The Shakiest Sword In The West
The Talented Mr. Frodo
The Thief Of Bag End
The Tower Ring Inferno
The Unbearable Whiteness Of Being
The Untouchables (The Story Of Gimli’s Underwear)
The White Wizard Project
The Wrong Towers
There's Something About Merry
They Died With Their Vambraces On
They Shoot Hobbits, Don't They?
Thoroughly Modern Merry
Three Days Of The Gondor
Titan M.E.
To Catch A Nasssty Little Thief
To Live And Die In M.E.
Tricentennial Man
Valley Of The Orcs
Way Out East
Weekend At Elrond's
What She-Elves Want
When Gandalf Met Saruman...
When We Were Rings
Where There's A Will Whifoot
While You Were Creeping
White Wizards Can't Hump
You Only Live Twice – If You’re A Wizard
You've Got Mithril Mail
Citizen Thain
Tom Bombadil's Schooldays
The Adventures of Tom Bombadil and Huckleberry Finwe
The Ithilien Job
The Sound of Ainur Music
Goodbye Mr Sauron
The Grapes of Wraiths
Wight Fang
[Invisible] Men in Black
The Erufather
Faramir to Eternity
Ring Kong