[L.N. Smithee]

Teal
Apparently, now included in the official major league sports franchise starter kit.

As a San Jose Shark fan who is revelling in the team's first division title, I don't have a problem with teal. Besides, the Sharks were the first teal team. All the others -- Florida Marlins, Anaheim Mighty Ducks, Carolina Panthers, and countless minor league teams in just every sport -- are imitators.

Basketball Short Shorts
Despite fostering a sweaty, disturbing, amateur wrestling-like undertext, thigh-bearing, cup-hugging short pants were a hoops staple well into the 1980s (and a oft-ignored dark side to the great Lakers-Celtics rivalry). Kudos to Michael Jordan and Michigan's Fab Five for ushering in an era of more, er, complete coverage.

Oh, come on. Not only do the current line of b-ball trunks look like hiking shorts from the Bozo's Big Top Outdoor collection, when I was watching the exploits of Magic, Dr. J and Larry Bird, I was watching the ball. What was the author watching?

The BCS
Something does not compute — namely, an incomprehensible, geeked-out ranking system that consistently fails to produce the most logical national championship matchup in college football. For the bowl czars and conference commissioners, the BCS is a useful way of deflecting discussion from a potential playoff system; for the rest of us, it's headache-inducing hooey. And we'd like to know: Does USA Today compu-rankings guru Jeff Sagarin even watch sports?

I would have said, "I couldn't have said it better myself," except that I think have. Click here.

The opinions of the author do not reflect the opinion of L.N. Smithee.

[MozartLover]

Thanks. This is hilarious!

[MozartLover]

For your perusal.:)

[Cagey]

Very funny stuff!

I've always thought it's kind of comical that baseball managers wear uniforms. Can you imagine an NFL coach and his staff dressed in a jersey with pads? Or a basketball coach in the now fashionable long and baggy shorts?

Sports has some great light moments.

[Dan from Michigan]

Astroturf - I hate that stuff.

The Prevent Defense - As a Defensive Coach, I absolutely DESPISE the prevent defense that prevents us from winning.

The BCS - Bull Crap series.

Ryan Leaf - Bwhahahhahahah. This draft bust makes Tony Mandrich(picked ahead of Barry and Deion Sanders) look like a good pick.

The Baha Men - I ought to go whereever they are from, and kick their ass. I hate who let the dogs out. The song sucks, and the dogs are let out? So damn what? What in the blue hell is so damn aggressive about that? Gimme a real song, like something by Jimi Hendrix.

[riley1992]

Sideline Reporters

Biggest waste of airtime I have ever seen.

[Dan from Michigan]

Ping

[2Trievers]

Great post Smithee!

Babe you have some work to do ... LOL &;-)

[Dan from Michigan]

Fox's Glowing Hockey Puck

May the people behind that be tarred and feathered. I'd like to spend 10 minutes in the octagon(Ultimate Fighting) each, against those jerks one after another. DAMN THEM. I'm still pissed off about that.

[DouglasKC]

They could have taken the tongue-wagging shooting guard from North Carolina. Instead, the Portland Trail Blazers used the second pick in the 1984 NBA draft to select Kentucky center Sam Bowie, a ho-

What? Who had the number 1 pick?

[BluesDuke]

They left a few out. Such as...

Postseasons in which damn near every team in the league gets to compete for a championship, even if some of them lost or tied more games than they won. Sorry, but I'm from the old school in this regard. You didn't finish the season in first place, it should be wait 'till next year and no further questions asked, I don't give a damn what the television networks think they have to say about it.

Baseball's Wild Card - Wasn't it bad enough when the NFL brought it in? Why the hell did baseball think it had to try its own version of the other games' (real and alleged) playoffs? So far as legitimate championship competition (real pennant races, anyone?) was concerned, baseball wasn't broken. Naturally, Bug Selig decided it had to be fixed. The sooner this noxious used car salesman is thrown the hell out as baseball commissioner, the better. Dump the wild card, baseball - and, while we're at it, dump the three divisions, return the leagues to two divisions each, schedule clubs in their own divisions primarily, then sit back and watch the pennant races get the way they used to be. Then, return the League Championship Series to its original best-of-five and restore the legitimate primacy of the World Series' best-of-seven. And if television wants to kvetch, just tell the appropriate networks, "Look - you can either sell baseball the way baseball was meant to be sold, and that means baseball ain't football, or we'll find the one who will. Because we're giving you something you couldn't sell with the other sports leagues no matter if you get James Carville himself to spin it for you: legitimate championships!"

Dennis Rodman - The least of his crimes against sense and sensibility would be taking the politically correct terminology of "person of colour" a little too literally.

SkyDome - Just what the world didn't need: baseball played in a mall.

The Day Ted Turner Managed The Braves - You can look it up. It happened, in the late 1970s. He couldn't even put his uniform on right. And you don't want to know how he made out his lineup card.

The Heidi Game - No, I'm not talking about Heidi Fleiss's games with the Hollywood high (in more ways than one) and mighty, either. Just ask all the American Football League fans who got to miss the Jets pulling one out at the last second against the Oakland Raiders - it was en route the Jets' subsequent Super Bowl upset of the Baltimore Colts - because NBC didn't want to miss the scheduled start of the film Heidi.

The Astrodome - How come the rug invented to survive therein got nominated but the world's biggest hair dryer (as Joe Pepitone memorably tagged it) itself gets a pass?

Muhammad Ali's third comeback. - If there's any more vivid living advertisement for quitting while you're ahead, I don't know of it.

The Pittsburgh Pirates' Slo-Pitch Uniforms - I don't care how loveable the late-1970s "Fam-I-Lee" Pirates were, they still looked like a bunch of drunks playing in a slo-pitch beer league.

Fan Strategy Night - Bill Veeck dreamed this one up for his otherwise hapless St. Louis Browns in the early 1950s: the manager would ask the fans to vote for their preferred strategic or tactical move in the game, and that's what the Browns would do. On the other hand, maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all - the Browns won the game! (Hey, anyone think this might help the Detroit Tigers?)

Charley O. - This donkey ushered in baseball's unfortunate era of tacky mascots (remember the San Francisco Crab?). It also proved the truism that it takes one to know one - Charley O. was the brainchild of his namesake, Kansas City Athletics owner Charles O. Finley.

The Wave - Do I really have to explain?

[hole_n_one]

[BluesDuke]

Another should-have-been candidate:

Televising the NFL Draft - You can't possibly be serious that it takes the equivalent of The Jerry Lewis Telethon to run the NFL's annual draft. At least with Jerry Lewis you get some laughs about once an hour. It didn't take that long to find Eichmann.

[Mid-MI Student]

I kept waiting for Disco Demolition.

GO TIGERS. That was one game they won easily.

[Rightwing Canuck]

Fox's Glowing Hockey Puck

LOL. I remember when that came out. Everyone up here was having a good laugh at you guys' expense (since Fox is an American channel, and it seemed like something Americans would do). 'Twas all in good fun, though :)

[fnord]

I would add the obligatory, 'spontaneous' Gatorade cooler drenching of the coach after each football playoff win. It was almost appropriate the first time; ever since it causes me to flinch in empathetic embarassment.

[okie01]

"On a warm summer evening in 1974, the attendance-starved Cleveland Indians held their first — and last — "10-Cent Beer Night," a celebration of life, bad baseball and ludicrously cheap suds."

What the story fails to mention is that the Indians' opponent on that "warm summer evening in 1974" was the Texas Rangers.

Who had hosted a Dime Beer Night of their own the previous week.

And that the visiting team had been these self-same Indians.

And that the Texas crowd, of which I was a part, had gotten a mite rowdy themselves.

Dave Duncan, now Tony LaRussa's pitching coach in St. Louis, was the Tribe catcher on that night. It was also the night that Dave Nelson, the Rangers second sacker, stole second...then third...and, finally, home...in succession.

The Indians were getting drilled and, when the inning was over, Duncan took quite a few "rag arm" insults from the crowd behind the visitor's dugout. He gave as good as he got.

One thing led to another, somebody threw a beer in Duncan's face, Duncan went postal and came over the dugout into the stands. A brawl ensued and the game was held up for a about ten minutes, while Duncan (and about a hundred fans) were ejected.

So, let the record reflect that the Cleveland fans were simply retaliating for the jobbing their team had received in Texas the previous week.

And let the record reflect that Texas also drew about 10,000 more fans into old Arlington Stadium (it was packed to the gills) and consumed over 100,000 cups of beer by the seventh inning. When the brawl broke out. And the vendors had just run out of beer...

So, also let the record reflect that Texas fans can not only drink more beer than Cleveland fans, they can handle it better, too.

It's our sense of decorum.

Damn, I miss Dime Beer Night...

[Born on the Storm King]

How about the offsides penalty in soccer? I always wanted to get a local high school basketball team to play a game usinmg the offsides penalty to prove how boring soccer is, e.g., He's running for a fast break---OFFSIDES!"

[Maceman]

And the #1 Worst Sports Idea EVER (drum roll):

Sports talk radio.

[Cyber Liberty]

"The Arizona Cardinals"

Har! Nice to see he feels my pain.

"Andre Rison giving Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes the keys to his pad"

Probably in poor taste since she croaked in a car crash last night....

[doug from upland]

Candlestick Park