[ISENGARD - DAY - OUTSIDE]
(MERRY and PIPPIN are dancing. bouncing chaotically is more like it)
MERRY and PIPPIN
(singing) The faggots are reeking! Hurrah! Hurrah!
(GANDALF, THEODEN, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, EOMER and several ROHIRRIM ride up)
GANDALF
What are you two doing?
PIPPIN
(grinning broadly) We have no idea.
GANDALF
(surveying the damage) I see. And what has happened here?
MERRY
The trees! The big scary trees! They came to life, er, no, they were alive, and they still are, but they came here, and they brought us with them, and then they tore everything to pieces. You don't want to make the trees mad, oh no. The eyes, the eyes...
GANDALF
I know that smell, Meriadoc.
MERRY
Huh? Oh, yeah. It seems Saruman had a private stash, ya know? Want some?
GANDALF
Perhaps later. For the moment, I have a pressing engagement with Saruman. Come!
PIPPIN
(watching the riders leave) Whatever. Hey, didn't he die?
MERRY
Come on. We'd better follow them so you can pick up the palantir.
[ORTHANC - DAY - OUTSIDE - FLOODED]
(SARUMAN appears on the balcony)
SARUMAN
Get off of my property, you damn kids! Look what you've done to my lawn!
GANDALF
Saruman! I strip you of your rank as head of the Order! I am now the White!
SARUMAN
Oh yeah smart*ss? I'd like to see you-
GRIMA
(from inside) I... can't... take it anymore!
(he pushes SARUMAN off of the balcony, impaling him on the RSWD)
(SARUMAN'S palantir rolls out of his hand to PIPPIN'S feet, who picks it up)
PIPPIN
Ooo... pretty!
GANDALF
Give me that you insufferable dolt!
PIPPIN
How come you didn't stay dead?
GANDALF
Come! We return to Rohan!
GIMLI
Back and forth, back and forth. All this riding is not good for a dwarf's hemorrhoids.
LEGOLAS
You sit behind me this time, Gimli.
PIPPIN
No really, I want to know. Why isn't he still dead?
[THE MORANNON - DAY - OUTSIDE]
FRODO
Look Sam, the front gate of Mordor, the Morannon.
GOLLUM
And on and on...
SAM
Please Frodo, let me kill that Smeagol.
GOLLUM
Calls us Gol- hrrr... Cruel tricksy masters... Fisssh... nice fisssh...
[CAMPSITE ON PLAINS OF ROHAN - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
PIPPIN
I'm stealing that palantir.
MERRY
Are you actually growing more stupid as time passes? Do whatever you want, just leave me out of it. I'm going to bed.
(PIPPIN tickles the sleeping GANDALF'S nose with a feather. GANDALF swats his nose in his sleep and PIPPIN replaces the palantir with a rock. PIPPIN runs a safe distance away then looks deeply into the seeing stone)
EYE OF SAURON
EYE SEE YOU! YOU CANNOT HIDE!
PIPPIN
Yoink!
(PIPPIN drops the stone then falls stiffly backwards, comatose)
MERRY
Pippin! Pippin! Are you all right?
(GANDALF approaches, smirking)
GANDALF
What a simpleton. Well, I suppose I had better see that this does not happen again.
(ARAGORN approaches)
ARAGORN
What happened? I heard a shriek!
GANDALF
(hands the palantir to ARAGORN)
Here, you keep this. I'm going to take this delinquent to Minas Tirith.
ARAGORN
Wonderful! Can I help you pack?
(ARWEN rides up with several ELVES)
ARWEN
Hi sweetie! Ohmigod, dad totally flipped when I told him I was giving up my immortality for you. He said the only way he'd allow that was if you were the king of Gondor. I don't think he was really serious, but I took him up on it and had Narsil reforged for you so you could go reclaim the throne. You WILL be king for me, right sweetie?
ARAGORN
(trying to smile) Oh, uh, yeah, great.
ARWEN
And I'm also supposed to "remind" you about the Paths of the Dead.
(ARAGORN visibly sags)
ARAGORN
I have to do THAT, too?
ARWEN
Well of course, silly! How else are you going to be king? Here's your sword and a nice banner I sewed for you all by myself which I'm sure will be very special to you and dear to your heart always.
ARAGORN
Well, in the tradition of things having far too many names, I rename this sword Anduril. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go lie down and try not to kill myself.
(SARUMAN'S palantir rolls out of his hand to PIPPIN'S feet, who picks it up)
Sort of prophetic if you read the first part of the TT spoiler thread.