[THE MORANNON - DAY - OUTSIDE]
FRODO
Look Sam, the front gate of Mordor, the Morannon.
GOLLUM
And on and on...
SAM
Please Frodo, let me kill that Smeagol.
GOLLUM
Calls us Gol- hrrr... Cruel tricksy masters... Fisssh... nice fisssh...
[CAMPSITE ON PLAINS OF ROHAN - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
PIPPIN
I'm stealing that palantir.
MERRY
Are you actually growing more stupid as time passes? Do whatever you want, just leave me out of it. I'm going to bed.
(PIPPIN tickles the sleeping GANDALF'S nose with a feather. GANDALF swats his nose in his sleep and PIPPIN replaces the palantir with a rock. PIPPIN runs a safe distance away then looks deeply into the seeing stone)
EYE OF SAURON
EYE SEE YOU! YOU CANNOT HIDE!
PIPPIN
Yoink!
(PIPPIN drops the stone then falls stiffly backwards, comatose)
MERRY
Pippin! Pippin! Are you all right?
(GANDALF approaches, smirking)
GANDALF
What a simpleton. Well, I suppose I had better see that this does not happen again.
(ARAGORN approaches)
ARAGORN
What happened? I heard a shriek!
GANDALF
(hands the palantir to ARAGORN)
Here, you keep this. I'm going to take this delinquent to Minas Tirith.
ARAGORN
Wonderful! Can I help you pack?
(ARWEN rides up with several ELVES)
ARWEN
Hi sweetie! Ohmigod, dad totally flipped when I told him I was giving up my immortality for you. He said the only way he'd allow that was if you were the king of Gondor. I don't think he was really serious, but I took him up on it and had Narsil reforged for you so you could go reclaim the throne. You WILL be king for me, right sweetie?
ARAGORN
(trying to smile) Oh, uh, yeah, great.
ARWEN
And I'm also supposed to "remind" you about the Paths of the Dead.
(ARAGORN visibly sags)
ARAGORN
I have to do THAT, too?
ARWEN
Well of course, silly! How else are you going to be king? Here's your sword and a nice banner I sewed for you all by myself which I'm sure will be very special to you and dear to your heart always.
ARAGORN
Well, in the tradition of things having far too many names, I rename this sword Anduril. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go lie down and try not to kill myself.
[ITHILIEN FOREST - DAY - OUTSIDE]
(FRODO is asleep. GOLLUM is making various incoherent threatening grunts and hoots at SAM)
SAM
Why do you always have to be so weird? Be a dear and go find us some food, why don't you?
GOLLUM
(hisses violently)
Oh, yes my preciousss, yesss... we goes... we goes...
(crawls away muttering and snickering to himself, casting suspicious glances over his shoulder)
SAM
Crazy bugger. Don't know why we have to bring him along. (mocking) "Wanna come with us? I've got the ring."
(he continues to mutter to himself as several menacing figures emerge from the gloom)
SAM
Uh oh. Wake up, Frodo! We've got visitors.
FARAMIR
Ho there you silly little men! What are you doing in my forest?
FRODO
We, uh, we were... gathering herbs, right Sam?
SAM
Oh, yes, Ithilien's the only place to go this time of year for mugwump and, er, grickleberry.
FARAMIR
You boys had better come with me. Men, blindfold them!
[DUNHARROW - EARLY MORNING - INSIDE]
ARAGORN
Oh, this is so stupid.
(he looks into the palantir)
EYE OF SAURON
EYE SEE YOU! YOU CANNOT HIDE!
ARAGORN
Er, hello, yes. Just to let you know, I'm reclaiming the throne of Gondor, and I'm going to come kick-
(SAURON begins to chuckle)
ARAGORN
Hey, I'm not kidding! I've got the blade that cut off your finger here. They fixed it for me.
(SAURON begins laughing outright)
ARAGORN
Fine, then. I'm out of here. You'd just better watch your back, is all I'm saying.
SAURON
WAIT! DON'T GO! TELL ME MORE! OHO! OHO! THIS IS PRICELESS!
(ARAGORN puts the palantir down)
LEGOLAS
So how did it go?
ARAGORN
Oh. It went well. He's really shaking. Well, it's time to ride the Paths of the Dead.
GIMLI
And those would be exactly...
ARAGORN
A tunnel through the mountain, inhabited by the ghosts of a long dead army. No living thing has ever returned from those caves once the spirits moved in.
GIMLI
Then why would we go there? And how do you know what's there if no one's ever come back?
ARAGORN
Well, technically, that army owes my family a favor. I'm going to collect on that debt.
GIMLI
And are ghosts known for their good credit?
ARAGORN
Stop asking so many questions. You're giving me a headache. Let's go.