[ENTMOOT - DAY - OUTSIDE]
TREEBEARD
Wake up young hobbits! The ents have decided to march on Isengard! It's payback time...
PIPPIN
Where's Isengard?
MERRY
It's where Saruman lives, you tuber.
PIPPIN
Who- (realization dawns) Oh, I'm sorry mr. tree, we have a very important... party... to attend...
MERRY
It's not going to work, Pip.
[HELM'S DEEP - NIGHT - OUTSIDE]
(LEGOLAS and GIMLI are on the parapet of the wall killing orcs)
LEGOLAS
Thirty eight!
GIMLI
Thirty seven!
ARAGORN
Hey guys, do you really think keeping track of your body counts is an appropriate message to send to the kids?
(LEGOLAS and GIMLI stare at each other momentarily)
GIMLI
Thirty eight! Now we are tied!
LEGOLAS
Thirty nine! I'm better than you!
HAMA
The orcs have breached the wall! I die...
ARAGORN
Everyone hide!
[HELM'S DEEP - DAWN - INSIDE]
THEODEN
I'm tired of waiting! I will not sit here like a badger in a... thing you put badgers in! I'm going out there!
ARAGORN
Aw jeez. Come on people, I guess we have to go with him.
THEODEN
See! The orcs run! Into that forest that wasn't there yesterday...
ARAGORN
The trees appear to be eating the orcs.
LEGOLAS
And what a strange and gruesome picture it is.
GIMLI
It certainly gives one an appetite.
(everyone stares at GIMLI)
[ISENGARD - DAY - OUTSIDE]
(MERRY and PIPPIN are dancing. bouncing chaotically is more like it)
MERRY and PIPPIN
(singing) The faggots are reeking! Hurrah! Hurrah!
(GANDALF, THEODEN, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, EOMER and several ROHIRRIM ride up)
GANDALF
What are you two doing?
PIPPIN
(grinning broadly) We have no idea.
GANDALF
(surveying the damage) I see. And what has happened here?
MERRY
The trees! The big scary trees! They came to life, er, no, they were alive, and they still are, but they came here, and they brought us with them, and then they tore everything to pieces. You don't want to make the trees mad, oh no. The eyes, the eyes...
GANDALF
I know that smell, Meriadoc.
MERRY
Huh? Oh, yeah. It seems Saruman had a private stash, ya know? Want some?
GANDALF
Perhaps later. For the moment, I have a pressing engagement with Saruman. Come!
PIPPIN
(watching the riders leave) Whatever. Hey, didn't he die?
MERRY
Come on. We'd better follow them so you can pick up the palantir.
[ORTHANC - DAY - OUTSIDE - FLOODED]
(SARUMAN appears on the balcony)
SARUMAN
Get off of my property, you damn kids! Look what you've done to my lawn!
GANDALF
Saruman! I strip you of your rank as head of the Order! I am now the White!
SARUMAN
Oh yeah smart*ss? I'd like to see you-
GRIMA
(from inside) I... can't... take it anymore!
(he pushes SARUMAN off of the balcony, impaling him on the RSWD)
(SARUMAN'S palantir rolls out of his hand to PIPPIN'S feet, who picks it up)
PIPPIN
Ooo... pretty!
GANDALF
Give me that you insufferable dolt!
PIPPIN
How come you didn't stay dead?
GANDALF
Come! We return to Rohan!
GIMLI
Back and forth, back and forth. All this riding is not good for a dwarf's hemorrhoids.
LEGOLAS
You sit behind me this time, Gimli.
PIPPIN
No really, I want to know. Why isn't he still dead?